Sunday, 24 July 2011

Missed First's

I have begun to realise that this blog has become not about, parenthood per say, or as much about our family life as what I first intended to.

It has mainly become about the roller coaster at the moment which is my life and my emotions. Some posts I don't even expect people to read, but I write them anyway because it is an outlet for me. Its somewhere for me to vent. Rather than at the poor husband ha ha!

Writing has always been something I enjoyed and until recently I didn't have the time to blog and I do hope that when I am better I will be that busy doing things and making up for lost time that it won't be everyday that I blog. Or even if I do that its a short one.

You see the reason I don't blog so much about mummy skills or doing things as a mummy is because on a bad day I will tell you I don't feel like much of a mum as I can't offer H much other than love and attention.
Not that H seems to mind. This last week has left me feeling a little unsure of my feelings. I am so happy that she is doing all these wonderful new things, but absolutely heartbroken that I am not the first one to see them.

My husband pointed out to me, that most of these new things she is doing he didn't see first either. But as I pointed out back to him- well hes the one that goes to work. That was always going to be the inevitable. For me however, I was supposed to be the main care giver. I always thought that I would be there for all of her firsts.

Though it would seem I am missing a few, now I know that its not like shes taken her first steps or crawled for the first time, but every new thing that she does amazes me and dazzles me and as her proud mummy I want to be the first to witness it all. Which I know sounds really selfish.

At this moment in time I guess I am sulking. I guess I am jealous of my friend. I don't like the fact that I am jealous of T after how much she has done and continues to do for me. I beginning to not like the depressed self pitying person that I can be some days.

I do on a normal day, like today, realise that its only normal that I am going to have days like this. So what if someone else gets to see her holding her feet in the air with her hands for the first time.

I will be around for a lot more firsts. Her first boyfriend (if her dad allows it!), her first day at school... bit out of order but you know what I mean.

So my aim now, is to get better, to get better to be there for all of her firsts. Then I can have mummy bragging rights!

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