For those of you who don't know about a month or so ago we found out that Little H was deaf in her left ear. To start with I was completely devastated. But the more I thought about it the more I realised, she will know no different.
Also when we look at how well shes doing it would seem apparent that her right ear more than compensates for this loss. Anyway today we had an appointment with the consultant to discuss what would happen next. We had already been told that the type of loss that H has a normal hearing aide wont help. The aid that they could use is called a bone ( i think).
Basically this bone has a little box which goes underneath her bad ear and goes across her head like a head band in to her good ear. Now this leaves me and the hubby with a bit of a dilemma. Will having the bone really help? If her right ear is compensating for the left ear and doing a good job whats the point? Also having something like that on her when she starts school will only draw attention to her and make her a potential victim to bullying- we all know what kids can be like.
So we were just beginning to pick ourselves back up from all that's happened in the past few months. Me facing potential hip replacement, needing my gallbladder out. Suffering from serve psoriasis and serve psoriatic arthritis and having disc disease (along with a bulging disc) in my back, which at the moment has left me bed bound and I think understandably depressed.
However, I was dealing ok with everything and was looking forward to H's appointment to learn more about it and what it may mean for her growing up. I certainly didn't see the blow that was about to come. I sat there and listened as the consultant said we need to have a CT scan for her because of the fact it could be that her ears didn't develop properly.
If that shows up positive then it means that simple knock to her head could leave her completely deaf. Considering a few weeks ago I had said to the hubby that I would worry about her having a knock to the head for this reason I am convinced it will show positive.
It felt like someone had punched me in the chest, all the air seemed to leave my body. I couldn't say anything. I was then further upset when he said that if it was positive it could be that in labour she suffered a trauma to her head that could have caused the deafness in her left ear.
How the hell is that supposed to make me feel? I asked for a c-section which I will explain in another post and was denied it, but I never thought it. So I left the hospital in floods of tears blaming myself. I know realistically that it isn't my fault, but that is how he made me feel.
Also he asked how the pregnancy had been and I explained that I had been prescribed anti-biotics and when my spd got bad, paracetamol and codeine. The look that I got said it all. Thanks alot mate. It was a GP that prescribed me and told me it was ok to take.
So now, we have to sit and wait. We have also been told that if she doesn't sleep during the CT scan then they will have to put her under general anesthetic. I can't describe how gutted I am. I know we haven't got the results yet and she maybe just fine. But if she isn't how do I cope with the constant fear of her having a knock to the head.
Kids will be kids in the playground, and when she starts learning to walk she will fall. I have decided that if the test is positive me and the hubby will learn sign language and teach it to her, so that if the worst is to happen she can still communicate.
I feel like its a ticking time bomb, and perhaps so am I. How much crap is one person supposed to take?! I know this doesn't just affect me it affects the hubby and H. But H will know no different. And the hubby seems to take these things in his stride. I however am finding it a little more difficult.
I feel like I have to be careful when playing with her and putting her down in case something happens and she loses her hearing. Really feel lost and confused. I have stopped sobbing, and have calmed down. Its the waiting that gets me.
What he also said to us was that we would be more likely to have a deaf child than any other person as we already have one, even though it may not be genetic. Also there was a comment that we would have to be more careful. What the HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! I wish I hadn't have been feeling so low as I would love to know what he meant by that. What could I possibly do to stop that happening??
Please keep your fingers crossed that the scan comes back negative and that she manages to sleep without needing a general anesthetic.
But for now she is happy and giggling, she was even laughing at the consultant. Wish I had her frame of mind today!!