Friday, 30 September 2011

A navy wife rant!! Beware!

So I am sat in the garden this morning writing this post, as H has decided yet again she would prefer to nap in the garden rather than her cot, not that she is doing much napping, note me writing a post rather than getting my head back down.

H decided a fun time to get up would be 6.15am blowing bubbles, this is after a restless night of her tossing and turning and coughing. One of the things I am looking forward to when I go home is her being back in her own room so that when I need the toilet at 2am and she is half awake I don't have to creep past!

Today is Friday and normally I would be spending the whole day in excited anticipation of the hubby coming home, as originally he wasn't duty for a few more weeks. However, this has now all changed. Life in the big blue one as his old boss used to say, normally at the most inappropriate of times but hey ho its true.

Yes I knew what lifestyle I was marrying into and the thoughts and worries that come with it. But sadly you don't get to chose who you fall in love with. What really gets my goat is when people turn around and say well you knew this was going to be your life. Just because I knew it doesn't mean I have to like it.

The thing I hate most at the moment, is knowing he is coming home from work everyday and yet I can't see him unless we do face time god bless the iphone! Its not the same though. You can't cuddle up to that in bed.  I didn't chose to come to Swindon, don't get me wrong I am enjoying spending time with my friends and my Mum. But its not the same, I want to be home.

This weekend I was supposed to be going home and seeing if I could manage in the hours that D works if not I would come back for another week or two. However, because today is the big day when they are announcing the redundancies apparently anyone who gets it is being sent home on 5 days leave. As D's office has already lost about three people and with two people up for redundancy it means that possibly he will be the only one that can do the duty and this weekend there is a lot of work on.

We had plans and I hate the fact that at the last minute a bombshell like this gets dropped. Just like the week before we were supposed to be moving to Cyprus everything packed in boxes and me living at home we found out that wasn't happening. No reason given. That's the life in the big blue one.

I hate the fact that I don't know if I am going to see him today or not. I may not know until four o'clock this afternoon. Its the constant uncertainties. As stupid as it sounds its easier when he's on deployment. Because I know I can't seem him, sometimes even have no contact with him. Its just knowing that he's at home and I am stuck here. There is no way on earth I am well enough to take the train. Plus then there is the luggage that comes with having a child, how the heck would I carry all that.

Its not just mine and D's plans messed up if this happens. Potentially its my mums to. As she will need to be here or at least someone will to help me out over the weekend.

Don't get me wrong not all aspects of a navy wife are bad. There are many support sites through which I have made some genuine and some not so genuine friends. One lady who I had never even met crocheted a blanket as a gift for when H was born, even though she had lost nearly everything in a house fire, no home insurance... Ladies and Gents please make sure you have it because you don't know who its going to happen to! Also other people have been supportive in times of need offering words of wisdom.

However, some forces wife's can be clicky and use their husbands rank as their own. This riles me, because whilst me and D are a couple I wouldn't dream of using his rank, I am my own person.

You can get women who are there through the thick and thin because they know what its truly like, as your normal friends can only really sympathise. Don't get me wrong I am thanking my lucky stars that D isn't in the category for redundancuy and for now his job is stable. Its a good wage and means that I can stay at home with my baby.

Which is even better considering all the problems with my health at the moment. Also their welfare system can be really helpful. The housing is cheap. You can get discount in certain places, but why shouldn't we have a few luxury's when our husbands could be putting their lives on the line for our country.

Plus those with children are single parents to all intents and purposes when there is a deployment. I am proud of my husband and the job he does. What makes it even better is that he enjoys his job, so I would never dream of asking him to give it up. Only if he wanted to. I have always said that whatever he chooses to do I will support him in and I mean that 100% because that in my eyes is what marriage is about. Its also about so much more, compromise as well as understanding truth and trust. Because I have always believed that if you don't have trust you don't have anything left. Especially when your oh or husband is in a job like mine. Its so much worse than long distance sometimes.

There are times when I don't even know where he is. My main concern now is for H and how it will affect her and I guess it wont as she will know no different. It will affect me on her behalf though, especially the times when there is no contact for months. Those are the times I chose to not watch the news, its too depressing and worrying when an article comes on.

Sometimes I think that what the navy fail to realise is us women are the ones fighting behind the scenes, fighting to keep a smile on our partners faces when they go to battle or in tough places. Fighting to make them remember that they have something worth fighting for, something to come home to. That's why every time D has been away for awhile I try to give him the best home coming every time. So that he fights tooth and nail to come home.

Hey ho life goes on and we have a beautiful daughter who I thought was asleep for all of five minutes anyway. Here's today's picture that made me smile. Because when life gets tough you have to roll with the punches and make your own happiness.

Brilliant news since writing this I have found out that D doesn't have to take the duty because those who applied for it don't get the 5 days leave.. Hurrah!!

Daddy's girl in her sailor dress!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

A Birthday and a Long Weekend (Plus H's long awaited hospital results)

Well the weekend just gone was a long weekend in more ways than one! D had the Monday off as we were getting the long awaited results of H's scan.
Also it was his Grandma's birthday. We went to visit her in Paignton and she loved her present which was a photo album with a few wedding pics of mine and D's as she had asked for one before and we hadn't got round to it. The rest of the album was H. On the front of the album I put my favourite picture of H and her great gran on the front.

 I was pleased to see that the present was a real hit! She loved it. In her eyes H is perfect. I love D's grandma to pieces she's one of the most honest people going. The way she see's it is that she is 94 and has earned the right to say what she feels no matter what other people think!! Fair play!
We were planning on going for a cream tea but by this time she was quite tired so we decided we would all go out for Sunday lunch the next day. Well when we got to D's Uncle and Aunties plans had changed and we were eating there. Sadly I don't like fish or eggs so I made do with a ham sandwich, whilst H chattered away or should I say shouted... my she has found her lungs!
My mother in law managed to get some fantastic photos, one being the four generations of a family. The other photo's were of all of us that had gone to the birthday girls lunch. They were all fantastic, she really is a dab hand with a camera! The ones she took of H when she was first born looked like professional ones.
Here's two of my favourite pictures.

So then it was Monday which was going to be a mad day, as H had her hospital appointment I had the doctors, and the rabbit should have gone to the vets. So up ready and early again. I suppose I better get used to early mornings...

Well we went in to see the consultant and he told us that H's scans were clear. So if she does bang her head then I don't have to worry that she is completely deaf. So the next thing was for me to deal with the consultants god like arrogance.
I asked him what exactly did he mean by the comment next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. To which he stuttered and stammered and said he was going to get the nurse who had sat in on the last consult as he didn't think for one minute he would say something like that. As I pointed out to him there was two of us that had heard the comment.
There was so many contradictions, for example we had been told originally that the type of hearing loss H had a hearing aid wouldn't help, we have now been told otherwise. Then it went from H being completely deaf to the fact that she may not be completely deaf but only slightly.
I did get more than one apology and I left it there as we do need to deal with him in the future and I don't want it affecting H's care. I left feeling satisfied this time, rather than being left feeling like H's deafness was my fault. Which it isn't! Even though now it would appear she may not even be deaf!! Whats the point in the tests when they don't tell us they can be wrong?
My doctors appointment was for my pain patches, they have been driving me up the wall. They have been itchy and when they come off leaving massive red lumps and weeping until like a sun burn peeling. Turns out I am allergic to plasters now! So we are trying a different type of patch, same drug so that what happened last time can't happen again!!
D's fine, he always is bless him. I really miss him during the week and know that he is missing us, especially the way he comes running in to see H on a Friday, its so sweet to watch. As a couple we have been through more than most couples go through in a life time and we are coming out stronger for it. He has been amazing and I can't thank him enough for being there as a shoulder and keeping my confidence up and also not repeating on what I have said to him. I love you D and I can't wait to be home again xxx

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Little H and Me

Firstly big apologies for neglecting my blog so badly. I promise I will try to come on more often with updates but life for me at the moment has been one manic time!

For those of you who follow my blog you will know I recently have had a back operation and needed to move back in with my mum so she could help look after the little one whilst I got back on my feet as my husband wasn't allowed any more compassionate time off, as he had had quite alot.

This back operation was a risk as we didn't know that it would solve my back pain. Obviously with any spinal surgery it also carried risks. I was so desperate that I was ready to try anything.
I have to say its the best thing I have ever done. Yes I am still waiting to have my gallbladder out and to find out why my arms and legs sometimes have a life of their own. But to go from being wheeled from the bedroom to the bathroom because I couldn't walk that far due to the pain. To being able to feed H and walk is just amazing.

Being in swindon has also come with benefits like many visitors! So it's been great but it means that I havent had much time to myself. Which is hard enough to come by as it is! I have enjoyed it don't get me wrong. I have also enjoyed the fact that the time me and hubby have spent together has been more quality time because we are making the most of what we have!

H is changing everyday at the moment. To start with in the highchair she had to sit on the cushion, that was only a week ago, but now she doesn't need that cushion as she has grown so much!
She can sit up unaided for short periods of time. She can get anywhere she wants by rolling and commando crawling. She says mumumumum and dadadada. She can also say yeah and no.

It was quite funny last night she was being really loud and it was getting close to her bed time. So I turned to her and said, it's quiet time now H your going bed soon. To which me and my mum heard a shouted NO! Well she probably didn't know what it meant but it was comical timing!

A quick update on me, I am still in Swindon but I don't think it will be long before I am able to go home. Admittedly the house work and cooking will still fall down to D but as long as I can sort H out and get myself breakfast which I need to start remembering we will be alright!

I also know that when I move back it doesn't matter if I don't see many people as I have one friend who has texted me everyday and has kept my spirits right up. I have never met this lady but I can't wait to. Once again people like this restore my trust in people. As that as most of you who are regular readers will know has been such a hard thing for me to do, after a fair few people collectively used and abused my trust.

I have decided to write a letter to H, for her to look back on in years to come.

Dear H,
When I am feeding you please stop looking down and moving your head just as the spoon is going in, I don't like it anymore than you do when the food goes up your nose.

Also after dinner time you are messy and I need to wipe you down. Your baby wipes are NOT food please stop trying to eat them.

When I am changing your bum it would be great if you didn't keep rolling over because it would be done quicker and everyone would be happy.

I know you like to think your the next Houdini but you can leave your high chair straps alone!! Your too little to start trying that!

When I say no to you, your not supposed to laugh. When I say no and you get upset don't look to your dad, he's on my side!

But mostly I have to stop going shops as you have enough toys and clothes now lol!

I love you lots, but please just go to sleep at your nap times like a good girl!
Mummy xxx

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Impluse Buying Strikes Again

Well I think that's it as a family we can officially say we win hands down at impulse buying. Last weekend I had decided that whilst I still had my wheelchair, as I can only walk short distances that it was the best time to go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get all of it done and dusted so that within a few weeks I could wrap them up ready to rock and roll!

So I was huffing and puffing a bit when the husband turned his nose up at ALL of my suggestions for his family, I have warned him if he isn't careful he will be doing the Christmas shopping himself. He then retaliated that he could always Internet shop. To which I retaliated well look where that got people last year.

So I think at this stage we both realised that enough was enough we weren't getting any further but have
managed to completely tick two people off the list and get our Christmas cards. Which I must say was a bargain one of the bits I picked up in said shop should have been £15 alone and the cards another £5 on top. When in total it came to £7.10 I wasn't arguing!!

So anyway knowing how much I love rabbit's and dogs and well most animals. Hub and me decide we would take H to see the animals, yup even as young as she is she's a great excuse!!

Well we kind of came out with a bunny rabbit. He's completely back except for one of his front paws that is white and under his neck I was a bit worried about telling mum about her overnight guest visitor but she actually seemed quite happy! Well until she got home and realised it was indoor visitor!

It's not the first impulse buy and to be honest, compared to the last impulse buy this one was extremely tame. When I was about 8 months pregnant, don't remember if I have told this one or not baby brain, so I am going to tell it again! I had a real bad craving for lamb chops.

On the way to the shop we ended up buying a car. Can honestly say its the most expensive lamb chops ever, but then in all fairness. It had to be done at the time, we were getting about in a Mazda M X 5 for those who don't know about cars, its a tiny two seater and not ideal for a pregnant lady.

So that was my day last weekend, did you do anything interesting.

My back did still seem to be on the mend until today, but I suppose everyday is a day closer to getting me home, I just hate not knowing when. I also apologise now for badly neglecting my blog the last few days, when I haven't been looking after H I have been sleeping or on the phone to the hubby, who I think may actually be finding this harder than me. At least I am being inundated with visitors whilst he's left walking round the house seeing mine and H's things and expecting us just to be in the next room. Although he is staying up beat, maintaining that as long as I don't put myself back by doing too much too soon that's a good thing, which sadly I have to agree with!

Thursday, 15 September 2011

A Great Day

Today has been well brilliant. Yesterday due to a dodgy tummy I blame the orange high juice personally! I had managed to ditch the zimmer frame, because trust me, you can not run with that thing! Yesterday I had made the decision to come off the Ora morph unless I needed it badly say in the evening. So after not taking that for the first time ever, I heard Holly wake up and cry.

I left it for a few seconds, which always feels like hours when your baby is crying, I decided stuff it I am going to tackle the stairs. I made up, nearly giving my mum a heart attack in the process! Then I fed her breakfast and was glad that she went sleep after because it was 6am.

So mum took her back upstairs and I got back in to bed and just as I was getting in to a deep sleep the doorbell went. It was Mr Postman. So I took the stuff inside, and decided I may as well ring the doctors. Then I was planning on getting back in bed.

Well that plan went to pot, someone was awake so I decided to change her on the sofa with the changing mat, saves my back and I tell you its actually better than my changing station as that is too low for me. So with that done I let her play on the floor with her toys, whilst I got comfy on the sofa keeping an eye on her. H has decided its fun to either commando crawl and roll to reach the handles on my mums T.V unit trying to chew on them or open. Plus she will then go the other way trying to get in to the dinning room which currently is my bedroom.

Anyway, she decided she had had enough of that and it was getting close to her lunch time so I put her in her round thingy ma bob that helps her sit up.. cant remember what its called haha! When mum seen me pick her up there was a gasp and E didn't think you could do that just yet.

You see the leaflet says two months. I've not even reached to weeks post op yet. The relief I feel however is immense. I have now managed to cut down all off my tablets apart from those that seem to be helping with the shakes.

So anyway. I fed her her lunch. Went and sat outside with her for a bit, as she loves it in the garden. She is so alert and totally fascinated by everything and every noise. Although to start with she wasn't too keen when mum started up the lawn mower but by just stroking her face and telling her it was ok calmed her.

After that mum had decided to take H for a walk to the shops to get some bits in. I crawled in to bed. I was shocked I knew if I didn't sleep I'd regret it so I read for a bit and slept some. Then the doorbell went and it was Smiley C. So we had a catch up and apparently I am a bad influence and made her smoke too many cigarettes haha! By the time she was leaving it was H's tea time. Which is desert time which she normally laps up.

H was having none of it, apparently the strap on the high chair was more tasty, so glama held that back and the lil bugga lugs just went to the other side, clever bugga lugs admittedly, but still lil bugga lugs! So after managing to get half down her bib and a couple of spoonfuls in she then decided to spit it out. Obviously she wasn't that hungry. So I left my mum to give her some juice while I spoke to the hub, who had left his phone in a different room. Yet had the home phone in front of him, not realising that particular one was not charged doh!

So anyway I finally managed to get hold of him and the doorbell went again, because mum was cooking I got out of bed and it was T. She had changed her mind and decided to come round after all, she loves H. Then about 8 H had her bottle with her rusk in (which I fed her) and then put her down.

If I say so myself I am quite pleased with myself, like I said before I am not even two weeks on from the surgery, and yes I do get pain, but nothing I can't handle. So I am ready to tackle this. Obviously the first week or so before going home I will do here to make sure I can do it and am ready, if I am not I have back up.

The only thing is its like being a new mum. As I never really had the chance to do this much with her before. So its quite scary but I know I can do it and I will do it. I can't wait to get back to my husband. He can't wait either because he misses seeing me and H each day when he comes home from work and feels a bit lost. I tried to tell him that doing the house work would take his mind off it, but he didn't believe me, dunno why... haha.

So that's all for today. I am posting this because I am proud of myself. I cannot thank the surgeons enough, they have changed my life less than two weeks ago I was in a wheelchair unable to walk or sit for long periods of time and now this. I am still resting though, I don't want to run before I can walk and set myself back.

Me, hub and mum had come up with Christmas as a deadline, its looking likely that that may be thrown out of the window! Thing is H is so easy to look after, shes so happy and content to play. She will chat away to you but she doesn't need 24/7 attention. If she rolls over and bumps herself she's more likely to get back up and carry on. Just as if something makes her jump she will jump and then begin to laugh. My baby is a tough cookie, it runs in the family.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday as it means the hubby gets to Swindon and I have decided to keep the wheelchair for the weekend so that I can get the Christmas shopping out the way because I don't know how long it will be before I can walk or stand for long periods. I still couldn't stand and cook a dinner. What I can do though is look after me and my baby and that's what matters! This time I really am going, but I will leave you with a piccy that I love.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Coming Round, The op and Recovery plus general catch up!!

coming round
Well I had my surgery today. Although I may not be able to post this till I am home. At the moment I am very drugged up so if I am not making sense, that's my excuse and I am sticking to it!
We had to get the ward for 7am so when someone told us that i may not go down until 1pm I felt like crying my mouth was dry my back however was in bits. I was very surprised to see my husband get all manly and demand that I be given a bed to lay on as I can not sit for long periods.
I'm surprised neither me or my husband launched at the stupid bollocks of a man who speaking at the top his voice said that nhs cuts were because they were paying money on equipment for the army, but he felt that more chairs were more necessary d. i. c. k. head. Personally I would loved to have put him straight, shame we got called out at that moment.
So anyway I have to stay on oxygen pretty much till I leave apparently it helps lower the risks of catching an infection which I do not bloody want thank you very much! I even have my own special toy.  Its called a morphine pump although they have offered me Ketamine as well but this i refused as i would have been put on a ward and taken out of my side which i have luckily acquired.  I cant sleep on wards so i thought it was a fair sacrifice.  They gave me something else instead though but it did begin with a c.  Bit like Gas and Air really!!  Makes me feel like i don't give a flying F***!!

I say i don't give a flying but that was until hubby walked in.  I felt sweet relief as i had my bitch back to run my errands LOL joke.  I sent him to get sweets drink and trashy magazines which always makes a girl feel better, even if at the moment everything is blurry and I am getting the hub to type this, im sure if i put my face close enough to the magazine I will be able to read it! Then for another shock which made me choke a bit. Uncee A the hubs mate had sent me a lovely card wishing the best of luck but it didn't stop there he had also sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers which arrived apparently in a nice vase as well. D has some competition for my hand LOL - erm I was dictating to my husband not anymore. I can't believe he has done that, it really is so sweet especially when some of my so called friends couldn't even wish me good luck! (And they are still looking and smelling lush a week on!!)
So uncee A I just want to say a big thank you. You have always been their in the background. As soon as we brought H home from the hospital there was a parcel waiting for us. A Liverpool kit for H. The oh was none to pleased! neither was h come to think of it as no sooner had we put it on she was sick everywhere on the kit.
A week later.
Well the operation had gone well, I was as you can probably tell by the above post as high as a kite on morphine until I asked for the commode. The nurse brought it in. Left me, bear in mind I have just had back surgery and before it I was in a wheelchair, so its been a while since my legs have been used. Anyway I manage to get on the darn thing with the nurse button near me but the morphine button the other end of the bed. So I do my business and 40 yes 40 minutes later someone comes in leaving the door and curtain open whilst I am sat on the commode so obviously pretty stressed in a damn site lot of pain I tell her to close the curtain and I want a formal complaint made. You cannot leave someone like that for that long. Not that they really cared as far as they were concerned they were busy. So I said now I need something else for the pain, because at this point I was crying and on the verge of screaming in pain. The nurse comes in and says to me do I want ketamine. Er no. Don’t fancy being paralysed and hallucinating surely that’s not good for people suffering depression, just come round from surgery and wanting some sleep?!  I want what I had before which had worked. I also want to stay in the side room because of how I'm feeling I wont sleep and don’t want to have other people looking at me or me looking at the horrid blue curtains that they don’t bother closing when you actually need privacy!!
Anyway it took them 3 yes that’s right 3 hours of me screaming and crying in pain before they sent someone. Who got on his high horse when I told him yet again why I didn’t want to take the horse tranquilizer drug. He got the hump and said the one that I wanted meant 25minutes of his time and he would have to do my obs and I wasn’t worth his time as he had more important patients. There was also a third drug but he refused to tell me about it. So after arguing about patient choice for about 20 minutes in which time he could of done it he goes off gets the drug beginning with C which at the start you can see makes me a happy bunny. Except he doesn’t give me a full dose he, he doesn’t check any of my obs. Then he says is that any better, a little but not a lot. Well that will have to do, I have wasted enough time with you and I will not come back down if your in pain and if they do send someone you will have to have ketamine. Thought I didn’t have to do or have anything against my consent!!
Anyway I am a week on the dressing has come off. I can walk slowly with a frame. Sometimes I am brave/ stupid you decide and go without and then have to sit down half way. I have had to come to Swindon for my recovery because the Navy will not allow my husband anymore time off.
I can’t pick up my baby girl for two months but at least when I am led or sat down people can pass her too me for cuddles. I am still going through the whole guilty about everyone else doing everything for her phase on and off. My auntie in Ireland sent a package of clothes over for H and they are adorable, she has great taste! I have managed to end up with lots of visitors which is nice but tiring.
I am going back to Plymouth soon for some appointments one of which is H’s hearing scan results. I am still waiting for my latest MRI results.
Someone who obviously knows me and my husband well-ish is playing games and signing us up for sites that we didn’t join and couldnt have done on some of the dates!  And I don’t just mean dating sites. So we know who-ever it is, is trying to split us up. But they are going to have to wake up a lot earlier than that to catch either of us believing that the other has joined such vulgar sites. This has happened tonight and me and the hub are wondering if we can get the police involved whether we should? What would you do. Its beyond a joke now. And can only be one of a few people. So passwords and emails and other things may have to be changed!
But other than that all is fine and dandy here! I feel better being able to walk again. I am managing to reduce my diazepam which has got to be good, and take the oral morph less often because its yucky! Although I am still getting very sleepy pockets during the day or evening where if I don’t go to sleep I will pass out. On that note I am going now as this post has been long enough. But then again it has been a week that I, Mrs Gabby Guts has tried to condense!!!

Monday, 5 September 2011

Sleepless in Plymouth

Well as Tuesday dawns closer everyone apart from H seems to be unable to sleep. At about one o'clock last night I heard my husband whisper are you still up, I need a fag. Yes I was still up because the tablets that I take that normally give me blissful sleep were refusing to do any such thing!

So me and the hubby crept in to the bathroom to have a fag, two minutes later we were joined by my mum. Can't sleep. When asked why it was a case of same reasons as you probably.

Having surgery is nerve racking enough for anyone. I have had my fair amount of surgery in the past and it never really bothered me too much apart from the fact I couldn't eat for a fair ol while! Since having my tonsils out a few years ago that all changed.

I remember coming to feeling like I was gagging but unable to move. Unable to even blink, I was desperately trying to let someone know that I was awake, and trust me petrified. When all of a sudden I heard a voice shout she's coming to give her some more anesthetic. At this point with a tube down my throat I couldn't breath and my panicking had reached a very high stage. There was someone by my side telling me to be calm it would be ok and I would be back under soon. I had a fit and then the next thing I know I came to in the recovery room.

Quite frankly the nurse was a bitch and told me to stop crying. When I told her what had happened she told me I was making things up. The next nurse said nothing was on my notes so I probably dreamed it. Convenient how nothing was on my notes but they wanted me to stay in an extra two hours than normal to keep an eye on me.

My one comfort I suppose at the moment is that this is a totally different hospital. So it will be a totally different anesthetist, plus I have already made them aware of how much this has played on my mind so they have said when I get there I will probably be given something to relax me.

I have to be there for 7am. I am not a morning person, and the fact that I am going to have to get up in time to leave the house for 6.15am does not please me in the slightest! But I suppose I will get some kip during the operation and afterwards.

I had already said to my mum that the hubby will be wearing the floorboards thin until he hears anything. To which with a wicked grin she said don't worry I am sure I can find plenty of chores to keep him busy. Poor hub, he was probably hoping to get a few hours of world of warcraft in!

Luckily H, is totally oblivious to the tension in the air and the nerves that the house feels so full of and she is getting her fair amount of sleep.

Saturday, 3 September 2011


It seems like things are finally happening to sort me out. My MRI has been moved forward to Monday. I rang and asked if I could possibly have a sedative as I don't think I will cope with being fully in the machine for over an hour as I am having a brain neck and spine MRI. The last few I have had I have not been to bothered by as I have not been totally in the machine I haven't had my whole body totally in! So they advised me to ring my doctors, but if you are a regular reader you will know just how helpful they are.

 When I was having a total breakdown and my husband rang them for a doctor to come out. They said they would get someone to call back. That call back was two hours later and his attitude was to just up my anti depressants and take more diazepam for that day to calm me.

When I actually went to the doctors and broke down in front of her, she said mine was a complex case and as she was only part-time she wasn't prepared to take it on. Also I was told I had to much on my mind and to forget about certain parts of it! (Erm hello). She then went on to say that I would just have to pretty much get over my meltdowns until the higher level of anti depressants kicked in. Which as she pointed out could take more than a month. She didn't look at what I was asking told me the rest of her patients had been waiting long enough and said I could stay in that room until I calmed down.I only thought a GP could refuse to treat you if you were rude, not because you were a complex case!

Safe to say until I got indoors took all my medicines and a sneaky baileys hot chocolate it took me quite a while to calm down. Anyway that night I didn't sleep to well but tossing and turning and just had a thousand and one things running around my head.

The next day I was still feeling teary, but low and behold I got a phone call from my neurosurgeon's secretary. Asking me to come in on Tuesday for my spinal surgery. Turns out the surgeon has been as good as her word. It will be about 3 weeks since I saw her when I actually have the surgery.

I know I have been told not to get my hopes up that it will fix the other problems including my back pain. However, I can't help but hope, and I am not going to stop hoping as its the first time in a long time that I have felt hope. It would seem that their is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband and mum have both been fantastic at keeping my mind of it (when I haven't been asleep that is) I was talking to my Husband the other day and saying how I think he may be a little bit addicted to games. He sat there and said no its been days since I played a game. I looked at him and to my phone which he had in his hand and was playing a game on and laughed.

Then trying to dig himself out of the situation he turned round and said I meant on a computer, then I sweetly pointed out that the night before we had played a hidden object game together!

It made me realise all over again who I am fighting this for, I'm fighting for my family.