Thursday, 30 June 2011

Sleep Talking

We all have annoying habits and I have to say that one of my husbands most annoying habits is that he clicks his tongue in his sleep. Almost as if he is trying to salivate, numerous times I have woke him up and told him to have a drink, thinking that its possible that hes thirsty. It never works! Now it would seem little H is taking after her daddy, who would believe it?! All you can hear on the baby monitor is sighs and the clicking tongue.
What cracks me up the most is the *pumping* as my mother has told me to politely put it in the past. Sometimes little H is that loud that she wakes herself up. It always has me and the hubby in hysterics!
Anyway on to the title of sleep talking. My husband for some reason when he is stressed, or had one to many sleep talks, and on the odd occasion has been know to sleep walk!
One night when I was heavily pregnant (and struggling to sleep, apparently the sleepless nights start before the baby arrives) it was about 4am and I had finally managed to fall asleep. About an hour later I was being nudged so I woke up, looking daggers at the hubby through half open eyes when he says to me "life's a b***h" and proceeds to laugh incensed I jumped up and asked him what did you just wake me up to say.. At this point hes giggling and snorting and generally chatting rubbish. This is when I realise his eyes are shut and oh look at that hes snoring hes obviously asleep.
The other half's biggest habit is getting up in the middle of the night getting something to eat having a cigarette and coming back to bed, the times I have gone down in the morning to find bread crumbs all over the kitchen side! So I will shout and rant, and he honestly hasn't got a clue, he has no recollection of getting something to eat in the middle of the night.
We have had many incidents like this, and like I say the main time it happens is mainly when he is stressed or has had a few down the pub. Well as you can probably tell from the rest of my posts this year hasn't been the easiest year for us, so stress levels have been high. Well when T and P came down from Swindon T ordered the boys out of the house whilst I was laid down. When I came downstairs and was told they had left about 8 I was dreading it expecting the other half to be completely ratted. I know he needs to let his hair down especially at the moment. But seriously when I am stone cold sober in pain and have a headache, I really am not in the mood to deal with his drunkenness.
It was ok though. He came in and was a bit tipsy but not completely drunk which was a shock. So anyway we trotted off to bed. At stupid o'clock in the morning I got up to go for a wee. As I was sat on the toilet he tried to come in and use the toilet. "I'm on here" I practically shouted, he was mumbling about something and then said I will use the other bathroom. Now we have a downstairs toilet so I was expecting him to use that. Then I heard the spare bedroom door open. Jumping off the toilet and dashing in to the spare bedroom, I managed to lead him in to the toilet, but the best of it was when I first started shouting at him his response was "I'm not peeing on the blood bath mat whats wrong with that!" as i pointed out to him "your not even near the blooming toilet!!"
After he had been to the toilet he must have woke himself up and come in to the bathroom where I was hanging out the window having a cheeky fag. Head down he said to me "Its a good job T and P are staying downstairs and not in the spare room". Oh i was howling with laughter- I hadn't laughed like that for a long time. He looked at me and said don't laugh I don't deserve to laugh. Silly boy!!
Luckily we are a few weeks on from then and apart from the odd murmuring in his sleep about a skipper rolling over and it being 11.30 we haven't had any other incidents. But it still makes me chuckle, so I thought I would share it with you!!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Mummys girl

Well this is going to sound bad, but little H was crying her heart out and not settling for Daddy so I asked him to bring her up to me, we had some huggles and she went for a nap. Think she was over tired and fighting it, but for some reason when shes like that she will only settle for me singing to her. Now the awful sounding part of this is that it makes me happy. Now the reason it makes me happy at the moment is because it makes me feel like i can actually do something for her.
As I think I have said before in previous posts I find it too painful to feed her at the moment, have tried propping her up on pillows but that still means putting my back in an awkward position. I will be glad when I have seen the surgeon and they have done what ever they have to do so that the oh can get back to work and me and the wee one can crack on.
I do enjoy spending time just me and her chatting away to each other, we cant understand one another but who cares! But with all the tablets I am on I don't get to spend too much time with her before I need to sleep, and I cant sit in a chair for more than 20 mins without being in agony!
So pleased to see that little H is coming on, today she was reaching out and grabbing her toys. Admittedly once she gets hold of them they go straight to her mouth, but that's normal, I think?! She also managed to roll over yesterday, me and oh cheered, but she got her arm stuck and now its almost like she cant be bothered to do it again. Instead she tries to either wriggle up the bed on her tummy or if shes on her back tries to wriggle around on her bum, its quite amusing to watch.
I was on the phone to my mum yesterday and we had the I'm so sorry I finally understand all the things you did now I am a mum conversation. She then pointed out that one day I will have the same conversation with H and that is a scary thought. Because whilst it feels a million miles away the way time is flying at the moment I'm pretty sure she will be at that age before I know it!
The oh gets annoyed when I talk like that, he says she has to be allowed a boyfriend first and that's not going to happen until shes at least thirty according to him ha! She already has him wrapped round his little finger and she cant even talk yet! He went to the shops for bread and milk (why is it always bread and milk?!) and came back with three new outfits for her. He then did a me, I saved money because they were on offer. I couldn't help but laugh and the next time he says something to me when I say that I can just remind him of this, we women have long memories!!

Down Day

Today has been a particularly bad day.I woke up this morning with my head pounding and my throat was killing me! I was really snappy with the oh before bursting into uncontrollable sobs. I just felt so helpless and useless. Mainly where little H is concerned. Plus I am getting really scared with all the new symptoms that I seem to be getting.
Mainly at night I get what feels like my leg and spine or even sometimes my feet are vibrating. Then when I was sat with H my leg would not stop shaking, it lasted for about 20 mins. Its horrible because I honestly feel like I have no control over my body any more! I don't know if all of these things along with the pins and needles is to do with my discs being the way they are in my back. I hope so, because if not it means that there is something else wrong, and I don't think that I can cope with that right now.
Little H is getting bigger by the day and is thriving. She is constantly smiling and giggling so I know that she's happy and content so me and the oh must be doing something right. We were honestly blessed with her and I have to say if she was a screaming baby I wouldn't have coped I would have had a break down.
I think that I did the right thing by going back on the anti depressants but obviously I have only been on them for just over a week, so they haven't quite kicked in yet.
I seem to spend most of my days sleeping, and when I am not sleeping I nip on the laptop for a while, have cuddles with little H and the oh. Or watching films, so the same old same old!

Monday, 27 June 2011


I am feeling absolutely wretched at the moment. I can barely move and if I do get out of bed and go anywhere I set myself back by days. So today H has another hearing test before her appointment with her consultant next week. I know that the hearing test results probably won't have changed in the last week, but I hate the fact that I can't be there for her, but I know if I go I will be fit for nothing.
I hate that there is so much I can't do for her at the moment, I can barely manage feeding her as it sends my back in to spasms, and if I pick her up out of her cot to often it really hurts. I don't like holding her when I am standing up in case one of my leg goes. I know her daddy is with her and I know he will look after her, but its not the point. I want to be there and I should be there but instead I have to miss out on these appointments. Now I understand that she won't remember any of this and I need to get better for her sake, but it tears me up inside. The hearing test she wont be aware of as she has to be asleep for it anyway. But it's like for her jabs in a few weeks time, because I have to see the doctor on that day I can't be in with her when shes having them done. Its so hard.
This is not what it was supposed to be like! I feel like a failure as a mum at times because of all of this. I know being a mum is about alot more than that and that there are mums out there that palm their kids off on anyone else,but I'm not them! I want to be able to do everything for her. Things like her bath, I can't do because of the bending down so I can sit in whilst oh does it but I can't really get involved. Sitting on the sidelines is killing me.
I know it doesn't bother her to much, she is one of the most happiest content babies- and that's not just me being biased. She's always smiling and laughing or gurgling. Then she has her quiet time where she has cuddles and snuggles in and grabs on to your top as if to say don't put me down.
I've said it before and I will say it again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I had visions of putting her in her pram in the day and going for a walk. Popping in to town and meeting up with friends for coffee. Being able to bathe her. Pick her up and swing her around. Instead on a bad day the oh has to pass her to me when I am sat down, he has to feed her, he has to change her nappy, he has to bathe her. He gets to play with her and throw her up in the air (not letting go of course!) and I watch and try not to let it break my heart.

Worry Wart

I just can't help it, at heart I am a worry wart, it's in my DNA! I don't like loud noises so this morning, after the other half had taken H out to get her a bouncer, I heard a wailing siren. Now the only way I can think of describing this noise was that it was like the sirens they have in the world war films just before a bomb is about to drop.
Now I had remembered the oh saying some time back that if ever I heard it and it was for real it would mean there had been a necular accident and to shut all the windows and doors. So I struggled out of bed to shut the windows, all the time trying to ring the oh. Well after about ten minutes of trying I finally got through.
Safe to say he found it amusing, apparently they test these alarms on a Monday, so it was a false alarm. But all that was going through my head at the time was were the oh and H safe, and when would it be safe for them to come home. Plus how on earth was I going to cope on my own for more than half an hour when I can't get down the stairs!
Then to top it off it started thundering and lightening, now I don't mind this, if there is someone else in the house with me. But I will admit it other wise I am a BIG wimp! How I ever managed to cope living on my own or when the oh is on deployment is beyond me.
Another thing that the oh comes in handy for is removing spiders and creepy crawlies. A few weeks ago I was in the bath and out the corner of my eye I spotted something moving, I felt goose bumps on my arm and let out a blood curdling scream. The oh comes bounding up the stairs and flys in to the bathroom thinking I must be being attacked or something. To see me trembling and pointing in the corner hissing get rid of it!!
I have another funny story, when I was living at home I'd come in from my shift at the pub and it felt like someone or something had followed me in. I saw a shadow on the wall behind me and the next thing this frog leapt in to the air! I nearly had an accident! My mums partner at the time refused to deal with it so mum rolled her eyes and got the thing out the door.
When the oh was last on deployment we were living in a masionette and it was above a dentist surgery so it was safe to have the windows open whilst I was at work. Trust me, you had to keep them open because it was like a furnace otherwise! So anyway I'd come back from a busy day at work and was on the phone to my mum, whilst I was doing this I had gone to sit down at the computer. When I felt something brush up against my leg I jumped in the air, dropped the phone and, yes you got it let out another of my famous blood curdling screams..
I could hear my mum shouting down the phone so I picked up laughing, it was a cat. God knows how it had got in. But it was a regular visitor after that, personally i think it liked jumping out on me and scaring me. Although I was slightly concerned that I may find one day that it had had a litter of kittens...

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Hair Loss

I have been suffering with psoriasis for a few years now. And with it on my skin I have come to terms with it, and I tend to find that if I am comfortable with how my skin is less people comment on it, the only explanation I can think of for that is if it doesn't bother me it somehow becomes less visible.
But about two or three years ago my skin, nails and scalp got really bad with the psoriasis and I lost about three nails and I lost some of my hair. I used bandannas and material headbands to cover it and put on a brave face but inside it was one of the hardest things at the time that I had to deal with. You see I'm not exactly a small girl and my hair and nails had always been something I was very proud of so to lose that was a BIG deal.
Well after having H as expected my skin flared, and I started malting hair- which is normal after pregnancy. But last night as I was reading my book I had run my hand through my hair to keep it out my face and was left with a clump of it in my hand. I know its the psoriasis I have felt how bad its getting in my scalp. The lotions and potions they give me don't work for whatever reason. The frustrating thing is that they have said I am entitled to a new drug, it has took me years to agree to go on it. But my joints and skin have reached a stage where I know I need to start on the stronger stuff. Then my bloods came back and my liver count was high, that combined with stomach ache- which I had just put down as my body going back to normal, meant gallstones.
I was then told that until my gallbladder has been removed they can't and won't start me on this new treatment, but that I could start on UV light treatment until it worked. Sadly though at the moment as I can barely make it to the toilet let alone down the stairs the UV treatment will have to wait. Although that won't help the scalp and nails anyway.
So now I am sat here praying that on top of everything else I have going off I don't end up with a bald patch again. As a woman I find it hard to bear, it makes me feel unattractive, and the skin can do that do. Especially seems as after breastfeeding I got psoriasis on my nipples of all places! So all I can do for now is continue to use the shampoo and pray and hope that my hair slows down on falling out, i think right now I couldn't bear that.
Its difficult enough as it is in the mornings to get up, the pain is unbearable when I am tired. I feel sick, dizzy, tired and in huge amounts of pain and days like this make it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know its there.. Its just really faint at the moment.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Sleep at last!!

Well last night I finally managed to get a decent amount of sleep! I think it had helped that the mil had come round and we had sorted out some issues that had been hanging around for far to long!
Although I managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night I am shattered again. Just had H on the bed with me and she was giggling like mad for about half an hour, I tell you there is nothing like the sound of baby laughter! A and S came round as we are going to store a table and chairs for them until they move to their own place. A came upstairs for a chat and nearly fell off the bed when my hubby brought us both a hot drink without being asked, it appears he does know how to use a kettle!!
Today's still a bad pain day, but the fact that I am not as tired as I was makes it a little bit more bearable, I would love a bath to have a good soak but the thought of getting in and out is making me wince! Well H is asleep now so bit of peace and quiet for an hour or so. Little angel is still going through the night, think we have only had one night where she was up in the middle of it in about a month, so for a 3 month old not bad going! Although I thought when she went through the night I would.. What I didn't realise was that I would still panic and get up to check her breathing and make sure shes alright ha ha! At the moment now she has got in to the habit of sucking her fists in the sleep and between that and the snoring on the baby monitor you know shes alright he he.
Well I've nearly finished another Martina Cole book- The Runaway, and I have to say I find it difficult to put down. I love her books and think on payday I may treat myself to a few more, especially seems as I am stuck in bed and have pretty much worked my way through our DVD collection which is no mean feat!
Can't think of much else to say, life is pretty boring these days!

Friday, 24 June 2011

My Husband

I just wanted to write a quick post to express how much I love my husband and how fantastic he has been. These last few months have been highly stressful finding out about my back and hips, when I already had problems with my joints and skin. Then finding out H was deaf in one ear and rushing to the hospital when she had bad reflux.
I couldn't ask for a more supportive caring husband and I know that none of this has been easy for him neither, and I know that at times I'm not a nice person to live with. When I'm tired, depressed and in pain I can get snappy and obviously its him that bears the brunt of it.
I just cant believe how lucky I got, I truly did find my knight in shining armour. And I know that with everything we have got through together we can get through anything. There is no-one else I would rather spend the rest of my days with.


I have woke up this morning with a really bad flare up of my arthritus and it seems to be in every joint. I feel like I have been hit by a truck... So today i intend to just take painkillers and sleep.. T and P go back today really going to miss them, even if I didn't see that much of them! Well todays post is just short and sweet because honestly even typing is hurting everything!

Thursday, 23 June 2011


Today really has had me thinking that mates come and go but true friendships will last a life time. I am truly blessed that I have some of the most amazing friends. My friend T is down at the moment, bossing me about in to bed and waiting on me hand and foot whilst looking after H and doing the housework, shes using her holiday to do this and has already said that on her next week off she will be travelling back here to do the same.
The fact that I can't even make it downstairs to sit and chat with her and P hasn't bothered either of them in the slightest, and today they took H out so that I had no excuse but to rest properly, not that I ever do when she's out the house! Mothers prerogative!! T and P go home tomorrow and I can honestly say I am really going to miss them!
Mums hoping to get down to help out for a while but with everything she has going off her end at the moment I know that its going to be difficult. Long story short she brought a house, which had an extension on it. It then came out that the extension was not built to regulations, no planning permission was sought and the electrics are dodgy and that the certificate was got fraudulently. Plus she has to have two teeth out. Seems like its not our family's year.
I not only have an appointment with the hip surgeon but also the next day an appointment to see about having my gallbladder removed. Oh the joys! I managed to have a relaxing soak in the bath today as the oh helped me in and out but now I'm in complete agony from getting out!!
This was never the plan, and I know that other people have things alot worse than me, I do appreciate that but some days its hard not to feel low.
I'm trying to stay positive in the fact that next month I will have some answers, admittedly there will be more waiting but at least I will know for sure what is happening.
Anyway I'm getting off the track of this post. Friends are worth their weight in gold when they are true, and they are so hard to find. You have to roll with the punches and as I have learnt not give your trust to easily, it does end up get you hurt. But as far as I am concerned my true friends ARE my family.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Bad Day

Well to start with this morning I made it down the stairs. I managed to feed H, but then I was in agony and had to retreat back to bed and take painkillers. Its frustrating. I'm finding it so hard being upstairs and when I hear H laugh or cry not being there, or being able to go down to her. Because I know if I do I will make it worse and I need to get better for her.
I started taking the anti depressants last week but at the moment they aren't really doing anything. I have days where I feel numb, like I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream. I just want to see the surgeons now and at least know what the plan of action is. I know this is going to be a long road to recovery, and I do know that I will get there I just find it hard some days to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The one thing that keeps me going at the moment is H, seeing her little face light up and hearing her laugh. I have to say that baby laughter is like medicine, no matter how bad you feel it makes you smile.
I worry about the future to. If I am like this at 24 what am I going to be like in 10years time. I have a daughter who is my world and all I want to do is be able to play with her, feed her and care for her. At the moment I struggle to walk to the bathroom let alone pick H up.
I also feel bad for my husband. He is the one at the moment that is left to pick up the pieces, hes the one who on a bad day gets it in the neck. Whilst we said for better or worse and in sickness and in health, I don't think either of us signed up for this. I feel unbelievably lucky to have him. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband. He tells me he loves my stretchmarks because they are my war wounds and when my skins bad he still sees me for me and tells me I am beautiful. How many women can honestly say they have that?!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011


Oh dear, the doorbell just went and T answered it, i thought who's that. Totally forgot that the teacher of the deaf was out for H today. So it was probably one of her weirdest visits sitting on the end of the bed chatting!
Even worse was until she started talking I was thinking I recognise you, but who are you?! Glad I didn't ask I would have felt like even more of a muppet.
She popped round with a development folder which she said she normally doesn't give out if children only have a hearing loss in one ear, but, because i found the subject interesting she was more than happy to give me a copy. Looking on the bright side because it is only one ear that H is deaf in it wont really affect her, a hearing aid wouldn't help because of the type of loss but they can put like a hearing aid around the head that means anything said to her left ear travels round, but to be honest if its big and bulky and liable to confuse her, i don't see the benefit. Thing is kids are cruel and when she starts school, a long way off admittedly, I don't want anything that may draw attention to it.
Things that I wonder about is how do you tell a child that they are deaf in one ear? And when? So many questions but I guess like everything with being a new mum, its a learning curve..

First Day of Summer

Well from what i can see from my position in bed the sun is kind of shining. Although T has told me that in actual fact its not that warm outside.. But still being stuck upstairs in bed is no fun for anyone, but after yesterday I don't think i will make it down the stairs.
Yesterday I needed to go to the doctors to follow up on my pain medication and anti depressants... Well who would have thought a car ride could be so eventful. On the way there a car nearly crashed in to the side of us as he wasn't paying attention and went to pull out without indicating! Then as the oh pulled his car out of our parking spot a smart car came speeding round the corner. So oh managed to swerve to avoid the other car- who was doing about 50 in a 20 zone, that car stopped and then came speeding towards us and put her brakes on before hitting us. What is wrong with some people?! If I hadn't have been in so much pain I would have took her licence plate number down and reported her.. Admittedly though if she had have crashed in to us would have done her car more damage, but really its not the point!
So my back which was bad any way is now jarred. The oh was feeling worse for wear this morning, personally i think its a hangover!! So i was worried because right now we cant afford for him to be ill as well!But hey ho another day down and another day closer to my appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon!

Monday, 20 June 2011


Well i feel groggy today, hardly surprising the amount of pain killers I'm on at the moment. Although frustratingly enough I'm now going in to the third week of being on my period. My poor husband! It doesn't do much to help my mood i must say!!
We have naval personnel family service to come out today to see if they can help us with anything at the moment, we have been blessed that the oh is in the forces because i honestly believe that if he had been in any other job and i had been like this i would have been stuffed. Either that or i would have had to have moved back in with my mother.
Now i love her to pieces and i know she would agree with me on this one, but we cant live together for long! Last year i was supposed to be moving in with her for 2 weeks before moving to Cyprus, well Cyprus fell through and is now a dirty word in this house (its one place we wont be going for our honeymoon!) and i ended up being there for 4 months. How we managed not to kill one another what with her being menopausal and me being 6 months pregnant and highly hormonal is a bit of a miracle!!!
I think it was the longest 4 months of my life, what i hated was the fact that the oh wasn't at sea but yet i still couldn't see him every night, plus sleeping on an air bed when you have arthritis, have a beach whale belly and spd isn't ideal! But hey it was a bed so i suppose i shouldn't complain, but the first time i slept in a normal bed it felt like i had been hit by a truck!! Now it feels like that every morning anyway!!
Well i may post later with a bit of an update, but I'm going to shoot for now as i want a quick fag before the lady gets here..

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Fathers Day

Well Happy Fathers Day to all those dads and dad-to-bes out there! Madam woke at 6.30 this morning so no lay in for her daddy... Although he did love his first fathers day card off of her. I think its amazing how you can order cards online now and even upload your photos on.
Well i have to say today left me feeling a little down in the dumps, i woke up in agony and tired.. I had these visions that on the ohs first fathers day i would make him breakfast in bed and look after the little one for the day so that he could have a lie in, and a bit of a break from it all. But i guess as the saying goes life is what happens when your busy making other plans.
I am getting slightly concerned as even with all the rest and taking the strong painkillers things dont seem to be improving. I guess now i will just have to wait to see the surgeon but thats not till next month. So looks like a month stuck in bed for me! I have my friend coming to see me from Swindon next week which I have to admit im quite looking forward to. It also means the oh can go to work without worrying and I have a week where i dont have to panic as to how im going to manage looking after the wee one on my own!

Saturday, 18 June 2011


Sitting around doing nothing is draining! How i wish i could be taking the pram out for a walk at the moment. Feeling pretty low today. Managed to get some sleep this afternoon but i dont really feel any better for it. Just feel in shock to be honest, like maybe the hospital got it wrong and really there isnt anything wrong with me. At least nothing involving surgery. But i think more than anything at the moment thats wishful thinking..
Watching Run Away Jury and also playing zuma on the laptop.. highly addictive. Baby girl is asleep, but when she wakes up will be getting the hubby to bring her up to me for some cuddles.. they always make me feel better.
Baby girl was chuckling away to herself this morning. Would love to know what babies think about, also am fasinated about what they dream about. I mean at such a young age what do they know to dream about that can make them smile or whimper in their sleep.. I suppose its one of those things we will never really know.

Cliff Hangers

Well its 7am and i have been up since about 5am stressing! So not like me i love my sleep! Well last night (by the way this isnt what im stressing over!!) me and the hubster decided to watch a bit of Las Vegas before going to bed, it was a fantastic episode one of those to be continued ones, a real cliff hanger. Went to get the next one only to find out they have stopped making the bloody thing..
Dont think ive ever been so fustrated over a programme!! Well the lil one should be waking up soon, which means i get my morning smiles which should put me in a better mood! Been thinking about how me and the hub can resolve the family issues, and i just seem to be going around in circles, we have pretty much tried everything.
Research a little more in to Avascular Necrosis last night, wish i hadnt, think i need to stop looking at the websites now and just wait until i see the surgeon. Im just so impaitent and want answers now, thats my problem!

Friday, 17 June 2011

A not so great week

For those of you who dont know me, hello! I'm Emma and I am 24years old and married to a wonderful husband with the most beautiful 11 week old baby.. of course im biased!
I am beginning to think that life is all a big test for something else. Apart from my baby girl being born its not been such a great few months. I suffer from psorasis and psoratic arthritus anyway but since having my baby i began to have back problems and have now found out that i suffer with Avascular Necrosis of the hips as well as disc disease in the back. Avascular necrosis of the hips basically means that the blood isnt getting to the hips and is causing the bone to die meaning one way or another i will need surgery.. and to top it off i also need my gallbladder out as i now have gallstones which means the meds that i need to start on for the p and pa i cant!
And then comes the in laws.. as someone has said to me the difference between in laws and out laws.. is that the outlaws are actually wanted.. but i think thats another story for another day.
My husband has decided to become bossy (apparently i make a crappy paitent!) and is confiscating the laptop off me and making me go bed.. i wish it was for a bit of nudge nudge wink wink but no bloody chance of that for a while!