Monday, 27 June 2011


I am feeling absolutely wretched at the moment. I can barely move and if I do get out of bed and go anywhere I set myself back by days. So today H has another hearing test before her appointment with her consultant next week. I know that the hearing test results probably won't have changed in the last week, but I hate the fact that I can't be there for her, but I know if I go I will be fit for nothing.
I hate that there is so much I can't do for her at the moment, I can barely manage feeding her as it sends my back in to spasms, and if I pick her up out of her cot to often it really hurts. I don't like holding her when I am standing up in case one of my leg goes. I know her daddy is with her and I know he will look after her, but its not the point. I want to be there and I should be there but instead I have to miss out on these appointments. Now I understand that she won't remember any of this and I need to get better for her sake, but it tears me up inside. The hearing test she wont be aware of as she has to be asleep for it anyway. But it's like for her jabs in a few weeks time, because I have to see the doctor on that day I can't be in with her when shes having them done. Its so hard.
This is not what it was supposed to be like! I feel like a failure as a mum at times because of all of this. I know being a mum is about alot more than that and that there are mums out there that palm their kids off on anyone else,but I'm not them! I want to be able to do everything for her. Things like her bath, I can't do because of the bending down so I can sit in whilst oh does it but I can't really get involved. Sitting on the sidelines is killing me.
I know it doesn't bother her to much, she is one of the most happiest content babies- and that's not just me being biased. She's always smiling and laughing or gurgling. Then she has her quiet time where she has cuddles and snuggles in and grabs on to your top as if to say don't put me down.
I've said it before and I will say it again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I had visions of putting her in her pram in the day and going for a walk. Popping in to town and meeting up with friends for coffee. Being able to bathe her. Pick her up and swing her around. Instead on a bad day the oh has to pass her to me when I am sat down, he has to feed her, he has to change her nappy, he has to bathe her. He gets to play with her and throw her up in the air (not letting go of course!) and I watch and try not to let it break my heart.

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