A great week!

So the last few days have been great and lifted my spirits. There's only one down side to this week and that was my rheumatology appointment. I went in to explain about my hip, it only hurts when I walk and it feels like bone grinding on bone which is really painful. He wasn't suprised and basically told me its not a case of if it's a case of when I need a hip replacement but obviously they want to prolong that for as long as is possible!

The other thing is how broody I have been. I know that I would be stupid to have another one until my health is under control and it wouldn't be fair on H. Plus in the new year the hubby's going back on submarines.

I'm not as upset as I normally would be because I have Holly and we can go visiting friends...

Speaking of that! On Tuesday I got a phone call from hubby saying that he had a training course in Portsmouth and me and H could go with him so I texted a good friend of mine who I hadn't yet met who lives there asking if she knew of any cheap hotels. Well she did but asked us to stay with her and her family! I had a great time it was lovely to have adult company and someone to help with H although i was very proud of myself for looking after an 8 month and 4 month old for just over half an hour! And it didn't stress me to much but then again it wasn't for long!

Well we have a new bed coming on Monday and them as the hubby is on leave we are off to go see my mum in Swindon and exchange Xmas gifts.

I feel kind of torn about Christmas at the moment. Originally it was going to be the three of us for H's first Christmas but hubby's uncle has invited us to spend it with his family. I get the impression that hubby wants to go as he feels it should be a time when your with family. But we are a family the three of us. I don't mind doing something boxing day I just had certain expectations of this Christmas with it being H's first and I know I'm maybe putting to much pressure on myself. But I also want to do what's going to make the hubby happy. Plus his uncle and aunt have always been so good to us that I kind of feel like I'm letting them down if I don't go. Can I just cancel Christmas this year?! It's giving me a headache everytime we seem to have a plan and are all sorted and then everything changes!!

Patch the bunny is not in the good books today. The little darling managed to get hold of the curtains through his cage god knows how, and an he's chewed a nice hole in it. He definatley needs the snip he's getting a wee bit boisterous!!

H is thriving although had us worried when she lost her appetite but the dic has said she's fine she's just teething really bad!!

She's desperate to walk and keeps trying to stand without furniture! She's just such a happy baby and it really does make my life easier looking after her. Although she does have a stubborn streak and has a new thing where by when I tell her no she replies yes!!! She's getting her own personality and is a real poser for the camera.

I'm making the most of Christmas by dressing her up and taking pictures! I have also realised that the buggy I have is useless the brakes don't always work and one of the wheels keep going wonky plus it's a bit heavy for me so I think after Xmas I may be saving to get a new one!

The lies that people tell

Ok so I know I've really neglected my blog of late.

I've been to rock bottom and back again. Well at least that's what it feels like! Well I shall do my best to catch you up.. But I warn you I am typing this on my phone so you will have to excuse any typos..

As the majority of you know I had my gallbladder out about a month ago and really things haven't improved too much. I've lost four stone in the last 6 months- don't get me wrong I love an excuse to buy new clothes.. It is concerning however when I've not been active and I haven't exactly been the worlds healthiest eater!!

Well I went for a scan after a month of having my gallbladder and I have one doctor telling me that it's just bruising there. Another telling me there's a blood clot and a collection of stones.. So I think I have to wait for another scan!!

With all my symptoms and the fact that I am not absorbing my vitamins as I should they want to test for Chrons disease- runs in the family and does add up.

Then after the joy of being almost free from back pain that's come back to bite me in the bum with a vengeance! It spasms and not only that but now it has a new trick! It locks up and renders me imobile until the hubby literally moves me- not a pleasant experience. It's also a pain in the proverbial both literally and mentally. Try having a very active 8 month old who has decided that now is a grand time to stand up and try to walk. Plus you can guarantee the time my back goes is when I need to get her out of her cot or it's dinner time and this does not make for a happy baby or mummy!!

I'm trying so hard these days to focus on the things I can do. Things that a few months ago were impossible. Walking would be a grand example!! H is growing up so fast and I don't feel I'm missing out as much as I was. What is a pain however is that when the hubby comes in from work he takes over and nine times out of ten I go bed. My biggest fear is that this is going to impact on our relationship in a bad way. So we do what we always do. We make the best of what we've got and make sure we are open with one another..

One of the things that hurt alot. More than I was prepared to admit was my father. He's an alcoholic. Along with a lot of other things. We hadn't spoken in years. When I found out he had cancer I tried to make amends. Maybe for selfish reasons in the sense that I did not want anything to happen to him and I hadn't tried.

Well the first time I tried I got a not so nice email. Basically telling me as far as he was concerned he didn't have a daughter an all I ever did was cause problems. Then it was followed by a complete lie. You see me and his wife have never really seen eye to eye. Apparently my father was seriously ill in hospital with a blood clot on the lung (since found out it wasn't serious and certainly wasn't a clot but hey ho) so anyway his wife tells him she's contacted me and I've said I don't care.

Well anyway. I try to tell him this hasn't happened at all to no avail! So I left it. Then I heard that things were pretty bad. By this time I was pregnant with his first grandchild. I felt he deserved another chance. So I tried again. Totally different response almost like a different person answered the email!

He told me how happy he was for me etc. Now stupidly what with him having chemo I honestly managed to get in my head that he wouldn't be drinking anymore. So we went off to meet up. First thing that happens when we get there bear in mind it's probably about 2pm is that he cracks a cider open. I think my heart sunk at that I felt gullible for believing that things could honestly change and like so many times before where he was concerned I felt let down!

Other than a slight disagreement and the obvious awkwardness the night seemed to go smoothly. He said that he wanted to leave the past in the past this was fine by me as I knew that we would just argue about it as we have done so many times before..

So things went well and we came home. I felt a little hope that maybe H could have some form of a relationship with him. After she was born they came to see us. We went for a meal and then came back to the house. We hadn't been back long when he said he needed to get back to the hotel and would nip in on the way home the next day.

I was surprised to say the least he hadn't been round for long and it seemed a long way to come, plus he didn't seem to be that interested in H. I jokingly said to the hubby I bet he had to get back so he could go to the pub. The next day my joke was proved to be a spot on theory.

Well as far as I was concerned as long as he wasn't doing it around me or H I didn't care. I didn't need to know or be a part of it.

We were then asked to go to their caravan for my step mums birthday. Whilst there after my Dad had had one to many he told me and the hubby that he had five years left to live. Really didn't know how to feel about that one. Or how to react.

Fast forward a few months later when I'm informed that it's all a lie. My Dad been given the all clear. Since I found that and the fact that they need bothered to get in contact when I had emergency surgery I stopped all contact.

I can't believe that anyone would be sick enough to lie about that. I certainly don't need him in my life I've managed very well so far. I don't need the heartache and I don't want H to suffer because of his lies. I feel stupid for falling for it. It's not like it's the first time he's told me he's dying but the fact he had cancer I had no reason to think otherwise really!!!

So now trust becomes an issue for me again. I know some people won't be happy that I've posted this but you know what I don't care. My Dad has told so many lies about me and caused problems in the family that it's time the truth came our about him. He's nothing but a drunk and a wife beater. Him and his current wife are as bad as on another and deserve one another!!

I realise now that sometimes you make your own family. Friends can become your family and an important part of your life when they are true friends.

I guess my main thoughts are I don't know how family's do things like that to one another. You can't always take people at face value even if they are some one you are supposed to be able to depend upon.

Gallbladder op

The strip lights were flickering above. Whispered conversations were being had all around the room. You could hear the click click of heels walking up and down the corridors, the beeping of machines and snoring.

I was back in hospital and it felt like hell on earth! It three weeks on Wednesday I had gone to the doctors because my gallbladder hadn't stopped hurting for near on 48hours - I was booked in for a routine gallbladder removal the following week, I was happy to wait but not so happy with the pain.

When I got to the doctors they sent me straight to the surgical assesment unit. Good job really my gallbladder was septic and could have burst. So after being taken down for emergency surgery on the Thursday I was trying to sleep things off in between pressing my morphine button.

Because of the drip and morphine machine I was wired to I needed help when I wanted to get to the toilet as I couldn't physically get to the plug or bend in that direction. Well I ended up with the snottiest health care assistant ever!

Every time I got back to my bed she would refuse to reset my morphine machine saying it automatically did it- it didn't. Then as I would go to put my oxygen mask back on I would find ut turned off. Being told that I didn't need it- funny that, a consultant is highly more qualified and he's said I'm too stay on it because of my blood pressure or some other reason.

When I would ask her for pain relief I wouldn't get it would have to keep buzzing until I got someone else as he would conveniently forget!

Then to top it off the next morning she's doing the rounds asks me my pain level- now since I'd been on this ward it was between one and three , three being the highest. I put mine between 2.5 and 3 to be told I wasn't in pain. HELLO it's MY body!

Now don't get me wrong there are some fantastic people out there doing the job, but some people shouldn't. It doesn't help recovery and being in hospitals depressing enough! And I'm sorry but wether or not they are having a bad day or not is not a good enough excuse to take it out on the patients. To be honest it's now left me petrified when I have to go in hospital.

Then to top my day of at 3am one of the girls on the ward has decided its a perfect time to play her music. Queue one unimpressed me shouting for her to turn it off. Wouldn't have minded if that had happened instead a few of us had to complain. Now this grates me because as soon as H started getting too noisy D would take her for a walk- this was during visiting hours and she is a baby. Then I had a snorer next to me, a lady who obviously wasn't very well mentally screaming help me every five minutes (she thought she was falling bless her) and one of the worst sounds in the world retching all of them. I was itching to get out!

When I went to change out of my gown I realised that blood had seeped through so lifting it up expecting to see dressings all I saw was an open wound- trust me I nearly retched! They had glued my wounds. Really clever not!

Three weeks on and I'm in worse pain than before I had the bloody thing out. My belly button wound has been open for a while now and I'm on my second dose of anti biotics.. With no sign of it disappearing.

Now you would think that would be my bad luck over oh no. Why would we allow that!! My leg fits as I'm walking with my frame, I go down straight on to my ankle. Now I've broken my ankle before and walked on it and this was more painful. Due to the fact I was upstairs had to call out the ambulance men. So after being stabbed with a needle and having it wriggled about five times (nice bruises!) they find a vain hip hip hooray! Time for the morphine not that it touches it. Then begins the fun, them carrying me down the stairs- not an experience I wish to repeat.

So when I first get there I'm put on a special bed to elevate my ankle because of how badly swollen my ankle was. I was given no pain reliefs and after a few puffs the gas and air runs out and the doctor refuses to replace it because apparently it doesn't help... Now tell me why would I be asking for it if it wasn't helping?!

So off for X-ray the doctor comes back pushes my foot up and tells me that it's not broken- I'm screaming at this point do he decides that he's going to say that I'm feeling pain when I shouldn't be as he didn't touch me. And seems as it wasn't swollen clearly theres nothing wrong its at this point i refuse to let him touch me due to the pain. So another Dr comes over screaming the whole time as he twists my ankle he tells me it's strained and that from a medical point of view there is nothing wrong.

Then he sees how I'm holding my foot and asks if I have cramp. No its the most comfortable position oh in that case you've probably strained your tendons. Contradictory! I have one telling me to rest for a few weeks another telling me to use it. So at the moment I'm doing a bit of both.

Sadly I have taken a step back. I'm back in the wheelchair as it would seem something happened to my back during the fall. Then again it's not that long ago I had that operated on!!

They have started me on a new med which means coming off the others cold turkey. I am so tired but the itching and fidgeting is stopping what little sleep i was managing. Now the pain management consultant thinks I may have fibromyalgia but now it appears that I have two infections and a joint flare up I'm praying that's not the case.

Waiting on a scan as they think I may have a collection of stones or bile, which possibly means more surgery. It's draining. I'm feel back at rock bottom and then to top this week of the hubby ends up having to have a tooth out and is really poorly with it so end up down a and e with him at 4am.

What is it with this family?! I think it's time our luck changed. Got to say that I'm hoping never to have to have surgery in Plymouth again. Each experience has left its mental and at present non healing physical scars on me.

So what with all that had happened at the weekend I decided me and D needed a break. So after a quick surf on the net I decided we should head to Roscoff, France. You see if we got the overnight ferry there and one back wouldn't need to spend on a hotel. Because of my wheelchair we needed a disabled cabin. I have to say I'm extremely impressed they made sure they parked you next to the lift and held it for you. The rooms were huge with a push of a button the door opened for you and there was even a seat in the shower!

The crossing there was great and it felt like we were there longer than a dy. apart from the odd hitch with the wheelchair it was a fantastic weekend and we has a real laugh and let our hair down. You have to make the most of being kid free!! Although it's almost to quiet without her and I am rather missing her although she's having a whale of a time!

My only comment would be is by closing the shops and restaurant so early they are losing out on some serious money as you only really have the chance to do one or the other unless you rush!!

Well I was going to write about my feelings towards Halloween and Carol singing in this post, but I've rambled on enough already and I don't think I have the energy to type anymore!!

Shopping with a mobility scooter

So I know I'm not the only disabled shopper in the world. As a first experience it wasn't the best,although it was slightly humourous, now i look back on it that is! I think I will be sticking to online shopping.As I don'tthink I will be braving a scoote for some time to come .

Firstly and this probably sounds rather vain, but I hated being in one and the looks that I got! I wanted to shout if you want to know just ask. Then its almost like a pity party of everyone jumping out your way avoiding eye contact or diving in to reach that product that's just a little to high up the shelves for you. Now that may sound extremely ungrateful, and I don't mean to come across that way but.. I was with my husband. Its for me difficult enough being in this position and I will ask him for help if I need it. I have or was always very independent until I met my husband, I still felt like I had some of that left so with people doing that it just felt they were taking strips of independence away. I suppose a little dignity, whats left of it after you have had a baby anyway!

Then as I was upstairs and the hubby had wondered off the blasted scooter wouldn't move. I'd like to point out that at this point the little light was still green indicating it still had battery left. Well it let me reverse but just refused to go forward. I could see people looking at me and felt the colour rising in my face. I felt like asking one woman if her mother had never taught her that it was rude to stare!

So after a few heart stopping minutes the thing starts up again, I go and join my husband and tell him in no way is he to leave me behind. Now I don't drive, so when I crashed in to a display full of clothes my husband said that it was probably a good thing. Luckily the display was sturdy and nothing broke. I however by now am scowling. I look to the little light, we'd probably been in the store for all of 15mins and its on red. So thinking that it turns to red with plenty of time to get you back to the front of I go.

Just as we reached the home stretch it started to give out on me. So the hubby pushed it from behind with the trolley and I made it to the customer service desk- just. I asked for another one. I couldn't use a normal chair as H was in the big trolley that D was pushing and we needed the big trolley. I like shopping and didn't want to have to sit on a bench red faced whilst the hubby finished up. So they give me another scooter...

I didn't get very far before it broke down in the middle of the store. At that point I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. There were no more scooters and it wasn't the shortest walk to the front of the store. No way was I dragging that thing and because it had completely lost power D couldn't even push it far from behind. So it had to be abandoned, bit like the rest of the shopping really.

There were no more scooters and really at this point, even though my husband was highly amused I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry as quite a few people had seen this happen and looking back yes I can laugh. But is it too much to ask that they charge the scooters when they put them back? I wasn't going to take the risk of a third scooter and there was no way I could walk round the rest of the way so it was a case of 'lets go home and D can finish it tomorrow'. Which got my goat a little bit really. I may have had a few disasters with online shopping but at least that's behind a screen!! So until I build up the confidence again I am only left with the choice of online shopping which after having my gallbladder out next week will probably be all I feel up to!

Back in Plymouth

I am back in Plymouth now. Hopefully to stay. Just waiting to hear when my gallbladder op will be and if D will be allowed the time off work if not I will have to go back and stay with my mum.

That's not such a big deal as luckily now that I am older me and mum get on a lot better and tend to try and talk things out rather than having argument. The other good thing is it means I get to catch up with all my friends because at the moment Plymouth is quite lonely as I don't know many people and unless there are mum and baby groups in the evening when D can take me, I don't really have a hope in hell of getting there.

I have finally changed the medication patches I was on, so at least I am not being driven up the wall with the urge to scratch! However, I am not entirely sure the dose is high enough as I can feel all my joints and gallbladder pain more than what I normally do. I am also getting the sleepy side affects. It would be so easy to just go back to Swindon for another week or until my medication is sorted out, but I don't see the point. I need to try powering through this as I am always going to have bad days with my joints and with my back.

I intend to ignore the housework, well try my hardest anyway. I am just going to concentrate on H and me and when she naps so will I. I feel like a new mum except my baby is 6months old and a hell of a lot more active than a new born. She is also stubborn as hell when she wants something... can't think where she gets that from lol! However, it does feel amazing that after all this time I can finally feed her without crying with the pain. I think and have probably said this before that the back surgery was the best thing I could have ever done!

She is sitting up unaided for longer periods of time and is getting frustrated that she can't crawl, not that it stops her from getting to where she wants to go, which is normally somewhere shes not supposed to be. She was shaking her juice all over her yesterday and had a roaring hissy fit when I took it off her and looked to her dad.

I am guessing she is going to be a daddy's girl! Would love to know what goes through their minds. She wasn't too well last night but seems fine this morning. Even if she did get up at 1am to have a little chat to herself and blow some bubbles, don't get me wrong she doesn't cry out to get up she sends herself back off to sleep. But I would love to know why she does it!!

Hub has joined me up with net mums so that I can meet other mums in the area. It really all depends on if they feel comfortable going to a strangers house for a drink though as there is no way I am near enough ready to get out and about. Which reminds me I need to do a food shop in a bit. Oh the joys. Considering trying asda to see if they are cheaper.

Anyway I think I have rambled on about nothing for the past ten minutes so if you managed to get this far well done! I guess the reason I am staying in Plymouth is that I need to try. I need to try and build up a good network of friends here like what I have in Swindon as I don't know that I can handle being a weekend wife. It also depends as to why my leg and arm have fits though, as I may be left with no choice but to move back. Its now just a waiting game and boy do I hate waiting!

A navy wife rant!! Beware!

So I am sat in the garden this morning writing this post, as H has decided yet again she would prefer to nap in the garden rather than her cot, not that she is doing much napping, note me writing a post rather than getting my head back down.

H decided a fun time to get up would be 6.15am blowing bubbles, this is after a restless night of her tossing and turning and coughing. One of the things I am looking forward to when I go home is her being back in her own room so that when I need the toilet at 2am and she is half awake I don't have to creep past!

Today is Friday and normally I would be spending the whole day in excited anticipation of the hubby coming home, as originally he wasn't duty for a few more weeks. However, this has now all changed. Life in the big blue one as his old boss used to say, normally at the most inappropriate of times but hey ho its true.

Yes I knew what lifestyle I was marrying into and the thoughts and worries that come with it. But sadly you don't get to chose who you fall in love with. What really gets my goat is when people turn around and say well you knew this was going to be your life. Just because I knew it doesn't mean I have to like it.

The thing I hate most at the moment, is knowing he is coming home from work everyday and yet I can't see him unless we do face time god bless the iphone! Its not the same though. You can't cuddle up to that in bed.  I didn't chose to come to Swindon, don't get me wrong I am enjoying spending time with my friends and my Mum. But its not the same, I want to be home.

This weekend I was supposed to be going home and seeing if I could manage in the hours that D works if not I would come back for another week or two. However, because today is the big day when they are announcing the redundancies apparently anyone who gets it is being sent home on 5 days leave. As D's office has already lost about three people and with two people up for redundancy it means that possibly he will be the only one that can do the duty and this weekend there is a lot of work on.

We had plans and I hate the fact that at the last minute a bombshell like this gets dropped. Just like the week before we were supposed to be moving to Cyprus everything packed in boxes and me living at home we found out that wasn't happening. No reason given. That's the life in the big blue one.

I hate the fact that I don't know if I am going to see him today or not. I may not know until four o'clock this afternoon. Its the constant uncertainties. As stupid as it sounds its easier when he's on deployment. Because I know I can't seem him, sometimes even have no contact with him. Its just knowing that he's at home and I am stuck here. There is no way on earth I am well enough to take the train. Plus then there is the luggage that comes with having a child, how the heck would I carry all that.

Its not just mine and D's plans messed up if this happens. Potentially its my mums to. As she will need to be here or at least someone will to help me out over the weekend.

Don't get me wrong not all aspects of a navy wife are bad. There are many support sites through which I have made some genuine and some not so genuine friends. One lady who I had never even met crocheted a blanket as a gift for when H was born, even though she had lost nearly everything in a house fire, no home insurance... Ladies and Gents please make sure you have it because you don't know who its going to happen to! Also other people have been supportive in times of need offering words of wisdom.

However, some forces wife's can be clicky and use their husbands rank as their own. This riles me, because whilst me and D are a couple I wouldn't dream of using his rank, I am my own person.

You can get women who are there through the thick and thin because they know what its truly like, as your normal friends can only really sympathise. Don't get me wrong I am thanking my lucky stars that D isn't in the category for redundancuy and for now his job is stable. Its a good wage and means that I can stay at home with my baby.

Which is even better considering all the problems with my health at the moment. Also their welfare system can be really helpful. The housing is cheap. You can get discount in certain places, but why shouldn't we have a few luxury's when our husbands could be putting their lives on the line for our country.

Plus those with children are single parents to all intents and purposes when there is a deployment. I am proud of my husband and the job he does. What makes it even better is that he enjoys his job, so I would never dream of asking him to give it up. Only if he wanted to. I have always said that whatever he chooses to do I will support him in and I mean that 100% because that in my eyes is what marriage is about. Its also about so much more, compromise as well as understanding truth and trust. Because I have always believed that if you don't have trust you don't have anything left. Especially when your oh or husband is in a job like mine. Its so much worse than long distance sometimes.

There are times when I don't even know where he is. My main concern now is for H and how it will affect her and I guess it wont as she will know no different. It will affect me on her behalf though, especially the times when there is no contact for months. Those are the times I chose to not watch the news, its too depressing and worrying when an article comes on.

Sometimes I think that what the navy fail to realise is us women are the ones fighting behind the scenes, fighting to keep a smile on our partners faces when they go to battle or in tough places. Fighting to make them remember that they have something worth fighting for, something to come home to. That's why every time D has been away for awhile I try to give him the best home coming every time. So that he fights tooth and nail to come home.

Hey ho life goes on and we have a beautiful daughter who I thought was asleep for all of five minutes anyway. Here's today's picture that made me smile. Because when life gets tough you have to roll with the punches and make your own happiness.

Brilliant news since writing this I have found out that D doesn't have to take the duty because those who applied for it don't get the 5 days leave.. Hurrah!!

Daddy's girl in her sailor dress!

A Birthday and a Long Weekend (Plus H's long awaited hospital results)

Well the weekend just gone was a long weekend in more ways than one! D had the Monday off as we were getting the long awaited results of H's scan.
Also it was his Grandma's birthday. We went to visit her in Paignton and she loved her present which was a photo album with a few wedding pics of mine and D's as she had asked for one before and we hadn't got round to it. The rest of the album was H. On the front of the album I put my favourite picture of H and her great gran on the front.

 I was pleased to see that the present was a real hit! She loved it. In her eyes H is perfect. I love D's grandma to pieces she's one of the most honest people going. The way she see's it is that she is 94 and has earned the right to say what she feels no matter what other people think!! Fair play!
We were planning on going for a cream tea but by this time she was quite tired so we decided we would all go out for Sunday lunch the next day. Well when we got to D's Uncle and Aunties plans had changed and we were eating there. Sadly I don't like fish or eggs so I made do with a ham sandwich, whilst H chattered away or should I say shouted... my she has found her lungs!
My mother in law managed to get some fantastic photos, one being the four generations of a family. The other photo's were of all of us that had gone to the birthday girls lunch. They were all fantastic, she really is a dab hand with a camera! The ones she took of H when she was first born looked like professional ones.
Here's two of my favourite pictures.

So then it was Monday which was going to be a mad day, as H had her hospital appointment I had the doctors, and the rabbit should have gone to the vets. So up ready and early again. I suppose I better get used to early mornings...

Well we went in to see the consultant and he told us that H's scans were clear. So if she does bang her head then I don't have to worry that she is completely deaf. So the next thing was for me to deal with the consultants god like arrogance.
I asked him what exactly did he mean by the comment next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. To which he stuttered and stammered and said he was going to get the nurse who had sat in on the last consult as he didn't think for one minute he would say something like that. As I pointed out to him there was two of us that had heard the comment.
There was so many contradictions, for example we had been told originally that the type of hearing loss H had a hearing aid wouldn't help, we have now been told otherwise. Then it went from H being completely deaf to the fact that she may not be completely deaf but only slightly.
I did get more than one apology and I left it there as we do need to deal with him in the future and I don't want it affecting H's care. I left feeling satisfied this time, rather than being left feeling like H's deafness was my fault. Which it isn't! Even though now it would appear she may not even be deaf!! Whats the point in the tests when they don't tell us they can be wrong?
My doctors appointment was for my pain patches, they have been driving me up the wall. They have been itchy and when they come off leaving massive red lumps and weeping until like a sun burn peeling. Turns out I am allergic to plasters now! So we are trying a different type of patch, same drug so that what happened last time can't happen again!!
D's fine, he always is bless him. I really miss him during the week and know that he is missing us, especially the way he comes running in to see H on a Friday, its so sweet to watch. As a couple we have been through more than most couples go through in a life time and we are coming out stronger for it. He has been amazing and I can't thank him enough for being there as a shoulder and keeping my confidence up and also not repeating on what I have said to him. I love you D and I can't wait to be home again xxx

Little H and Me

Firstly big apologies for neglecting my blog so badly. I promise I will try to come on more often with updates but life for me at the moment has been one manic time!

For those of you who follow my blog you will know I recently have had a back operation and needed to move back in with my mum so she could help look after the little one whilst I got back on my feet as my husband wasn't allowed any more compassionate time off, as he had had quite alot.

This back operation was a risk as we didn't know that it would solve my back pain. Obviously with any spinal surgery it also carried risks. I was so desperate that I was ready to try anything.
I have to say its the best thing I have ever done. Yes I am still waiting to have my gallbladder out and to find out why my arms and legs sometimes have a life of their own. But to go from being wheeled from the bedroom to the bathroom because I couldn't walk that far due to the pain. To being able to feed H and walk is just amazing.

Being in swindon has also come with benefits like many visitors! So it's been great but it means that I havent had much time to myself. Which is hard enough to come by as it is! I have enjoyed it don't get me wrong. I have also enjoyed the fact that the time me and hubby have spent together has been more quality time because we are making the most of what we have!

H is changing everyday at the moment. To start with in the highchair she had to sit on the cushion, that was only a week ago, but now she doesn't need that cushion as she has grown so much!
She can sit up unaided for short periods of time. She can get anywhere she wants by rolling and commando crawling. She says mumumumum and dadadada. She can also say yeah and no.

It was quite funny last night she was being really loud and it was getting close to her bed time. So I turned to her and said, it's quiet time now H your going bed soon. To which me and my mum heard a shouted NO! Well she probably didn't know what it meant but it was comical timing!

A quick update on me, I am still in Swindon but I don't think it will be long before I am able to go home. Admittedly the house work and cooking will still fall down to D but as long as I can sort H out and get myself breakfast which I need to start remembering we will be alright!

I also know that when I move back it doesn't matter if I don't see many people as I have one friend who has texted me everyday and has kept my spirits right up. I have never met this lady but I can't wait to. Once again people like this restore my trust in people. As that as most of you who are regular readers will know has been such a hard thing for me to do, after a fair few people collectively used and abused my trust.

I have decided to write a letter to H, for her to look back on in years to come.

Dear H,
When I am feeding you please stop looking down and moving your head just as the spoon is going in, I don't like it anymore than you do when the food goes up your nose.

Also after dinner time you are messy and I need to wipe you down. Your baby wipes are NOT food please stop trying to eat them.

When I am changing your bum it would be great if you didn't keep rolling over because it would be done quicker and everyone would be happy.

I know you like to think your the next Houdini but you can leave your high chair straps alone!! Your too little to start trying that!

When I say no to you, your not supposed to laugh. When I say no and you get upset don't look to your dad, he's on my side!

But mostly I have to stop going shops as you have enough toys and clothes now lol!

I love you lots, but please just go to sleep at your nap times like a good girl!
Mummy xxx

Impluse Buying Strikes Again

Well I think that's it as a family we can officially say we win hands down at impulse buying. Last weekend I had decided that whilst I still had my wheelchair, as I can only walk short distances that it was the best time to go Christmas shopping. I wanted to get all of it done and dusted so that within a few weeks I could wrap them up ready to rock and roll!

So I was huffing and puffing a bit when the husband turned his nose up at ALL of my suggestions for his family, I have warned him if he isn't careful he will be doing the Christmas shopping himself. He then retaliated that he could always Internet shop. To which I retaliated well look where that got people last year.

So I think at this stage we both realised that enough was enough we weren't getting any further but have
managed to completely tick two people off the list and get our Christmas cards. Which I must say was a bargain one of the bits I picked up in said shop should have been £15 alone and the cards another £5 on top. When in total it came to £7.10 I wasn't arguing!!

So anyway knowing how much I love rabbit's and dogs and well most animals. Hub and me decide we would take H to see the animals, yup even as young as she is she's a great excuse!!

Well we kind of came out with a bunny rabbit. He's completely back except for one of his front paws that is white and under his neck I was a bit worried about telling mum about her overnight guest visitor but she actually seemed quite happy! Well until she got home and realised it was indoor visitor!

It's not the first impulse buy and to be honest, compared to the last impulse buy this one was extremely tame. When I was about 8 months pregnant, don't remember if I have told this one or not baby brain, so I am going to tell it again! I had a real bad craving for lamb chops.

On the way to the shop we ended up buying a car. Can honestly say its the most expensive lamb chops ever, but then in all fairness. It had to be done at the time, we were getting about in a Mazda M X 5 for those who don't know about cars, its a tiny two seater and not ideal for a pregnant lady.

So that was my day last weekend, did you do anything interesting.

My back did still seem to be on the mend until today, but I suppose everyday is a day closer to getting me home, I just hate not knowing when. I also apologise now for badly neglecting my blog the last few days, when I haven't been looking after H I have been sleeping or on the phone to the hubby, who I think may actually be finding this harder than me. At least I am being inundated with visitors whilst he's left walking round the house seeing mine and H's things and expecting us just to be in the next room. Although he is staying up beat, maintaining that as long as I don't put myself back by doing too much too soon that's a good thing, which sadly I have to agree with!

A Great Day

Today has been well brilliant. Yesterday due to a dodgy tummy I blame the orange high juice personally! I had managed to ditch the zimmer frame, because trust me, you can not run with that thing! Yesterday I had made the decision to come off the Ora morph unless I needed it badly say in the evening. So after not taking that for the first time ever, I heard Holly wake up and cry.

I left it for a few seconds, which always feels like hours when your baby is crying, I decided stuff it I am going to tackle the stairs. I made up, nearly giving my mum a heart attack in the process! Then I fed her breakfast and was glad that she went sleep after because it was 6am.

So mum took her back upstairs and I got back in to bed and just as I was getting in to a deep sleep the doorbell went. It was Mr Postman. So I took the stuff inside, and decided I may as well ring the doctors. Then I was planning on getting back in bed.

Well that plan went to pot, someone was awake so I decided to change her on the sofa with the changing mat, saves my back and I tell you its actually better than my changing station as that is too low for me. So with that done I let her play on the floor with her toys, whilst I got comfy on the sofa keeping an eye on her. H has decided its fun to either commando crawl and roll to reach the handles on my mums T.V unit trying to chew on them or open. Plus she will then go the other way trying to get in to the dinning room which currently is my bedroom.

Anyway, she decided she had had enough of that and it was getting close to her lunch time so I put her in her round thingy ma bob that helps her sit up.. cant remember what its called haha! When mum seen me pick her up there was a gasp and E didn't think you could do that just yet.

You see the leaflet says two months. I've not even reached to weeks post op yet. The relief I feel however is immense. I have now managed to cut down all off my tablets apart from those that seem to be helping with the shakes.

So anyway. I fed her her lunch. Went and sat outside with her for a bit, as she loves it in the garden. She is so alert and totally fascinated by everything and every noise. Although to start with she wasn't too keen when mum started up the lawn mower but by just stroking her face and telling her it was ok calmed her.

After that mum had decided to take H for a walk to the shops to get some bits in. I crawled in to bed. I was shocked I knew if I didn't sleep I'd regret it so I read for a bit and slept some. Then the doorbell went and it was Smiley C. So we had a catch up and apparently I am a bad influence and made her smoke too many cigarettes haha! By the time she was leaving it was H's tea time. Which is desert time which she normally laps up.

H was having none of it, apparently the strap on the high chair was more tasty, so glama held that back and the lil bugga lugs just went to the other side, clever bugga lugs admittedly, but still lil bugga lugs! So after managing to get half down her bib and a couple of spoonfuls in she then decided to spit it out. Obviously she wasn't that hungry. So I left my mum to give her some juice while I spoke to the hub, who had left his phone in a different room. Yet had the home phone in front of him, not realising that particular one was not charged doh!

So anyway I finally managed to get hold of him and the doorbell went again, because mum was cooking I got out of bed and it was T. She had changed her mind and decided to come round after all, she loves H. Then about 8 H had her bottle with her rusk in (which I fed her) and then put her down.

If I say so myself I am quite pleased with myself, like I said before I am not even two weeks on from the surgery, and yes I do get pain, but nothing I can't handle. So I am ready to tackle this. Obviously the first week or so before going home I will do here to make sure I can do it and am ready, if I am not I have back up.

The only thing is its like being a new mum. As I never really had the chance to do this much with her before. So its quite scary but I know I can do it and I will do it. I can't wait to get back to my husband. He can't wait either because he misses seeing me and H each day when he comes home from work and feels a bit lost. I tried to tell him that doing the house work would take his mind off it, but he didn't believe me, dunno why... haha.

So that's all for today. I am posting this because I am proud of myself. I cannot thank the surgeons enough, they have changed my life less than two weeks ago I was in a wheelchair unable to walk or sit for long periods of time and now this. I am still resting though, I don't want to run before I can walk and set myself back.

Me, hub and mum had come up with Christmas as a deadline, its looking likely that that may be thrown out of the window! Thing is H is so easy to look after, shes so happy and content to play. She will chat away to you but she doesn't need 24/7 attention. If she rolls over and bumps herself she's more likely to get back up and carry on. Just as if something makes her jump she will jump and then begin to laugh. My baby is a tough cookie, it runs in the family.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday as it means the hubby gets to Swindon and I have decided to keep the wheelchair for the weekend so that I can get the Christmas shopping out the way because I don't know how long it will be before I can walk or stand for long periods. I still couldn't stand and cook a dinner. What I can do though is look after me and my baby and that's what matters! This time I really am going, but I will leave you with a piccy that I love.

Coming Round, The op and Recovery plus general catch up!!

coming round

Well I had my surgery today. Although I may not be able to post this till I am home. At the moment I am very drugged up so if I am not making sense, that's my excuse and I am sticking to it!

We had to get the ward for 7am so when someone told us that i may not go down until 1pm I felt like crying my mouth was dry my back however was in bits. I was very surprised to see my husband get all manly and demand that I be given a bed to lay on as I can not sit for long periods.

I'm surprised neither me or my husband launched at the stupid bollocks of a man who speaking at the top his voice said that nhs cuts were because they were paying money on equipment for the army, but he felt that more chairs were more necessary d. i. c. k. head. Personally I would loved to have put him straight, shame we got called out at that moment.

So anyway I have to stay on oxygen pretty much till I leave apparently it helps lower the risks of catching an infection which I do not bloody want thank you very much! I even have my own special toy.  Its called a morphine pump although they have offered me Ketamine as well but this i refused as i would have been put on a ward and taken out of my side which i have luckily acquired.  I cant sleep on wards so i thought it was a fair sacrifice.  They gave me something else instead though but it did begin with a c.  Bit like Gas and Air really!!  Makes me feel like i don't give a flying F***!!

I say i don't give a flying but that was until hubby walked in.  I felt sweet relief as i had my bitch back to run my errands LOL joke.  I sent him to get sweets drink and trashy magazines which always makes a girl feel better, even if at the moment everything is blurry and I am getting the hub to type this, im sure if i put my face close enough to the magazine I will be able to read it! Then for another shock which made me choke a bit. Uncee A the hubs mate had sent me a lovely card wishing the best of luck but it didn't stop there he had also sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers which arrived apparently in a nice vase as well. D has some competition for my hand LOL - erm I was dictating to my husband not anymore. I can't believe he has done that, it really is so sweet especially when some of my so called friends couldn't even wish me good luck! (And they are still looking and smelling lush a week on!!)

So uncee A I just want to say a big thank you. You have always been their in the background. As soon as we brought H home from the hospital there was a parcel waiting for us. A Liverpool kit for H. The oh was none to pleased! neither was h come to think of it as no sooner had we put it on she was sick everywhere on the kit.

A week later.

Well the operation had gone well, I was as you can probably tell by the above post as high as a kite on morphine until I asked for the commode. The nurse brought it in. Left me, bear in mind I have just had back surgery and before it I was in a wheelchair, so its been a while since my legs have been used. Anyway I manage to get on the darn thing with the nurse button near me but the morphine button the other end of the bed. So I do my business and 40 yes 40 minutes later someone comes in leaving the door and curtain open whilst I am sat on the commode so obviously pretty stressed in a damn site lot of pain I tell her to close the curtain and I want a formal complaint made. You cannot leave someone like that for that long. Not that they really cared as far as they were concerned they were busy. So I said now I need something else for the pain, because at this point I was crying and on the verge of screaming in pain. The nurse comes in and says to me do I want ketamine. Er no. Don’t fancy being paralysed and hallucinating surely that’s not good for people suffering depression, just come round from surgery and wanting some sleep?!  I want what I had before which had worked. I also want to stay in the side room because of how I'm feeling I wont sleep and don’t want to have other people looking at me or me looking at the horrid blue curtains that they don’t bother closing when you actually need privacy!!

Anyway it took them 3 yes that’s right 3 hours of me screaming and crying in pain before they sent someone. Who got on his high horse when I told him yet again why I didn’t want to take the horse tranquilizer drug. He got the hump and said the one that I wanted meant 25minutes of his time and he would have to do my obs and I wasn’t worth his time as he had more important patients. There was also a third drug but he refused to tell me about it. So after arguing about patient choice for about 20 minutes in which time he could of done it he goes off gets the drug beginning with C which at the start you can see makes me a happy bunny. Except he doesn’t give me a full dose he, he doesn’t check any of my obs. Then he says is that any better, a little but not a lot. Well that will have to do, I have wasted enough time with you and I will not come back down if your in pain and if they do send someone you will have to have ketamine. Thought I didn’t have to do or have anything against my consent!!

Anyway I am a week on the dressing has come off. I can walk slowly with a frame. Sometimes I am brave/ stupid you decide and go without and then have to sit down half way. I have had to come to Swindon for my recovery because the Navy will not allow my husband anymore time off.

I can’t pick up my baby girl for two months but at least when I am led or sat down people can pass her too me for cuddles. I am still going through the whole guilty about everyone else doing everything for her phase on and off. My auntie in Ireland sent a package of clothes over for H and they are adorable, she has great taste! I have managed to end up with lots of visitors which is nice but tiring.

I am going back to Plymouth soon for some appointments one of which is H’s hearing scan results. I am still waiting for my latest MRI results.

Someone who obviously knows me and my husband well-ish is playing games and signing us up for sites that we didn’t join and couldnt have done on some of the dates!  And I don’t just mean dating sites. So we know who-ever it is, is trying to split us up. But they are going to have to wake up a lot earlier than that to catch either of us believing that the other has joined such vulgar sites. This has happened tonight and me and the hub are wondering if we can get the police involved whether we should? What would you do. Its beyond a joke now. And can only be one of a few people. So passwords and emails and other things may have to be changed!

But other than that all is fine and dandy here! I feel better being able to walk again. I am managing to reduce my diazepam which has got to be good, and take the oral morph less often because its yucky! Although I am still getting very sleepy pockets during the day or evening where if I don’t go to sleep I will pass out. On that note I am going now as this post has been long enough. But then again it has been a week that I, Mrs Gabby Guts has tried to condense!!!

Sleepless in Plymouth

Well as Tuesday dawns closer everyone apart from H seems to be unable to sleep. At about one o'clock last night I heard my husband whisper are you still up, I need a fag. Yes I was still up because the tablets that I take that normally give me blissful sleep were refusing to do any such thing!

So me and the hubby crept in to the bathroom to have a fag, two minutes later we were joined by my mum. Can't sleep. When asked why it was a case of same reasons as you probably.

Having surgery is nerve racking enough for anyone. I have had my fair amount of surgery in the past and it never really bothered me too much apart from the fact I couldn't eat for a fair ol while! Since having my tonsils out a few years ago that all changed.

I remember coming to feeling like I was gagging but unable to move. Unable to even blink, I was desperately trying to let someone know that I was awake, and trust me petrified. When all of a sudden I heard a voice shout she's coming to give her some more anesthetic. At this point with a tube down my throat I couldn't breath and my panicking had reached a very high stage. There was someone by my side telling me to be calm it would be ok and I would be back under soon. I had a fit and then the next thing I know I came to in the recovery room.

Quite frankly the nurse was a bitch and told me to stop crying. When I told her what had happened she told me I was making things up. The next nurse said nothing was on my notes so I probably dreamed it. Convenient how nothing was on my notes but they wanted me to stay in an extra two hours than normal to keep an eye on me.

My one comfort I suppose at the moment is that this is a totally different hospital. So it will be a totally different anesthetist, plus I have already made them aware of how much this has played on my mind so they have said when I get there I will probably be given something to relax me.

I have to be there for 7am. I am not a morning person, and the fact that I am going to have to get up in time to leave the house for 6.15am does not please me in the slightest! But I suppose I will get some kip during the operation and afterwards.

I had already said to my mum that the hubby will be wearing the floorboards thin until he hears anything. To which with a wicked grin she said don't worry I am sure I can find plenty of chores to keep him busy. Poor hub, he was probably hoping to get a few hours of world of warcraft in!

Luckily H, is totally oblivious to the tension in the air and the nerves that the house feels so full of and she is getting her fair amount of sleep.

Finally!

It seems like things are finally happening to sort me out. My MRI has been moved forward to Monday. I rang and asked if I could possibly have a sedative as I don't think I will cope with being fully in the machine for over an hour as I am having a brain neck and spine MRI. The last few I have had I have not been to bothered by as I have not been totally in the machine I haven't had my whole body totally in! So they advised me to ring my doctors, but if you are a regular reader you will know just how helpful they are.

 When I was having a total breakdown and my husband rang them for a doctor to come out. They said they would get someone to call back. That call back was two hours later and his attitude was to just up my anti depressants and take more diazepam for that day to calm me.

When I actually went to the doctors and broke down in front of her, she said mine was a complex case and as she was only part-time she wasn't prepared to take it on. Also I was told I had to much on my mind and to forget about certain parts of it! (Erm hello). She then went on to say that I would just have to pretty much get over my meltdowns until the higher level of anti depressants kicked in. Which as she pointed out could take more than a month. She didn't look at what I was asking told me the rest of her patients had been waiting long enough and said I could stay in that room until I calmed down.I only thought a GP could refuse to treat you if you were rude, not because you were a complex case!

Safe to say until I got indoors took all my medicines and a sneaky baileys hot chocolate it took me quite a while to calm down. Anyway that night I didn't sleep to well but tossing and turning and just had a thousand and one things running around my head.

The next day I was still feeling teary, but low and behold I got a phone call from my neurosurgeon's secretary. Asking me to come in on Tuesday for my spinal surgery. Turns out the surgeon has been as good as her word. It will be about 3 weeks since I saw her when I actually have the surgery.

I know I have been told not to get my hopes up that it will fix the other problems including my back pain. However, I can't help but hope, and I am not going to stop hoping as its the first time in a long time that I have felt hope. It would seem that their is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband and mum have both been fantastic at keeping my mind of it (when I haven't been asleep that is) I was talking to my Husband the other day and saying how I think he may be a little bit addicted to games. He sat there and said no its been days since I played a game. I looked at him and to my phone which he had in his hand and was playing a game on and laughed.

Then trying to dig himself out of the situation he turned round and said I meant on a computer, then I sweetly pointed out that the night before we had played a hidden object game together!

It made me realise all over again who I am fighting this for, I'm fighting for my family.

One day at a time.

I think right now the only way I can deal with the things happening in my life is to take it one day at a time. But I am finding even that difficult, I know I am being impaitent and wanting everything fixed now but wouldnt you?

Everyday since my breakdown if I haven't taken a diazipam which I am supposed to be getting weaned off in the next few weeks I'm inconsolable. I hyperventilate, I blame myself for things that I have/had no control over. I am normally a logical person but on days like that I am illogical.

There is an Anastacia song and some of the lyrics really really say it all 'I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired'

No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say
I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired

Doesn't it just sum it up completely. Don't get me wrong I had my fairy tale wedding, but not a fairy tale ending. When I had H, there was so much I was going to do with her. Now though I can only feed her once a day because it hurts to much and I am normally asleep all the time as well.

My heart feels broken because as I said to my mum and husband tonight when we were having a conversation, I feel guilty all the time. I feel like I am bringing them down with me and its not fair. They are having to do what I should be doing.

I feel guilty about the miscarriage that I had before H. The reason for this is I was convinced I was pregnant but when I took the test it was negative. So that day we went to the fun fair I went on all the rides and then the next night me and hub went out and got absolutely bladdered. It was from that night I started to cramp. A day or so later hub left on deployment. Two days after he had gone I started to bleed and there it was. I got it confirmed by the doctors. I originally didn't want to tell the oh but he knew something was up and wouldn't give in. So I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have, according to some, but it was my decision and I had just moved to a city where I didn't have one friend who I could cry on I was on my own apart from when my mum came down just after we found out.

 A certain person rang, and said I should be happy because I 'dont have to deal with it now'. It hurt at the time, in fact it still hurts now. I will never forget the careless comment but I will move on.As it is history and needs and must.

 Its only tonight I realised that I never really grieved sure I cried but that was mainly because I was worried about the hubby who was miles and miles away unable to be here and I knew it would hit him hard. So I felt like I had to be strong and put on a brave face and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I put on too brave a face.

At that time we were having problems getting things sorted out in the Masonite we were living in because the company we went with were useless and it took them well over a year to refund our deposit. So I was dealing with all of that then hub got home we decided to try for a baby. Got pregnant straight away and then we were offered a draft in Cyprus. It was ideal because our lease was coming up I could stay with my mum for two weeks and then jet off to the high life.

The week before we were due to fly out I passed out. That night the hub phoned me told me he was coming to see me in Swindon as he was to go and talk to his boss the next day at 12. His boss wasn't there, hub looked on the system and realised we weren't going to Cyprus. Long story short I was stuck apart from my husband for four month before they got us accommodation. There was never a real explanation and never an apology.

Then the car broke down. In fact its now off roaded and we intend to scrap it, we spent far to much money on it its not worth it any more. Then the computer broke. Then just before Christmas our account got defrauded by £300 which took a while to claim back.

Then cherry on the cake for Christmas was we got pulled over. It appeared we had no insurance, because we paid by direct debit and didn't have a reminder we didn't realise. It was a genuine mistake. So the car got impounded theres £250 and i think the fine was nearly £300.

So you think when we finally get to Plymouth start getting settled things would get better, nope. I was a high risk pregnancy. I had high platelets meaning I was liable for blood clots. I could barley walk and have since found out after an MRI which was taken about 3 months after having H and having had physio. I really should have been in a wheelchair. Luckily now because I am its finally starting to close its not as serve as it was but still there.

Then we get told H is deaf in one ear. My dad has cancer. I need my gallbladder out and a spine operation. Plus I need to find out whats happening to my body. Everyday is the same. I sleep I read I spend time with H and hub then its time for bed. I am not living, I am merely existing.

I have blamed myself for H being deaf in one ear, but logically know that's not my fault. I feel guilty for not doing more. I feel guilty for crying and worrying everyone else.I feel guilty because my Dad was upset that he can't do more,but firstly he lives too far away and secondly he is too ill, so I feel guilty for making him feel guilty.I then feel like a stupid cow because there are people out there worse off than me, but this hasn't just been one tiny things this has been a combination and finally I have exploded and its hard to stop.

 I blame myself for my back problems because I  honestly believe it happened in labour because the epidural had numbed my legs and trust me only my legs they kept telling me to hoist myself up the bed, I didn't have any help in moving about. So I think I should have demanded a c-section, especially when the consultant turned round and said if what he thinks is wrong with H's ears is right it was probably the labour that caused her to be deaf.

So no I can't smile that much at the moment. Although I am trying soo hard to see the light, to find things to look forward to, but its near impossible. I can sit and give advice to my friends but I think its a case that its difficult to swallow your own medicine.

What really bugged me though was when I got slagged off for not going around a mates house as much as they came round here. Hang on a minute, I can't walk to the bathroom so getting down the stairs is like climbing mount Everest and the same with the steps outside the house. Long car journeys do me no  good because it causes the pain in my hips and back so its impossible. I just wish people would just stop and think for a minute before making judgements. Just because you can't physically see whats happening inside my body you shouldn't make judgements. But unfortunately that is today's society if you see a miss behaving kid you blame the parents, you never stop for one minute to think wait hang on there could be something wrong which is not his or his or her parents fault.

We English love to complain and I know all I have done is moan and droan in this particular blog. But I will leave it on a good note, when H saw me upset earlier she held her arms out to me for a cuddle i picked her up she put her arms round her neck and nuzzled her head in to my neck as if to say its going to be ok. I know it is, I know that because I have found out those who are real friends, plus my mum and husband couldn't do anymore than they already are.

Also for those of you who actually read the whole of my blogs, thank you. Especially those that comment. It means a lot to me right now, and it gives me faith back that people care, even when its someone they don't know personally.

This my family, is whats keeping me going. I love them more than words can ever say.

A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?

The SleepWalker Returns

If you have read my blog from the beginning you will be aware that my husband is known to sleepwalk and talk. Mainly during stressful times.

Well after the neurosurgeon decided that yes we are going ahead with back surgery and urgently I think the stress for him was getting high again. What I sometimes forget, which is bad of me, is that this is hard on him to. Its not just me that's struggling to come up with a solution of how to look after H when hes at work when I can't even get to the bathroom myself anymore, let alone look after H, when holding her for more than two minutes if she is wriggling and playing leaves me in agony.

So anyway we came home that day and when we came through the door he hadn't locked his car as he was quickly going to the shops for something or other. Anyway that night we did the usual routine of feeding H and putting her to bed before we ate. A habit we must get out of because it means we aren't eating till 9/10pm which isn't really healthy.

Then we went through our evening ritual of playing finding hidden objects games. After glancing at the clock and seeing it was gone 3am (where does time go these days?!) I told him we both needed to go bed, as he would be up with H in the morning.

So just before I drifted off I remembered when we had come in from the hospital he hadn't locked his car, I was forgetting he had gone shops. I went through the ritual questions of "Are all the doors locked?" me "yep and every things turned off and the oven isn't afraid of the dark!"

The oven not being afraid of the dark was something I had come up with, because every time he cooked something in the oven he'd leave the light on. So after asking time and time again I just asked him did he leave the oven light on because it was afraid of the dark!

Moving on, so I put my head back on the pillow and cuddled back into him before jumping up and saying is the car locked? I was mainly worried as I had left my engagement ring in their after my MRI.

At this point my husband jumps up out of bed, flies to the bedroom door, slowly opening it up. He then looks round saying its safe, I still have my xp. He then slams the door shut and starts drawing something on it with his fingers which to me looks suspiciously like a smiley face. Startled I ask him what he is doing.
Getting the smiley faces, its vital for the energy. Deciding to go with the flow, because sometimes his sleep talking is amusing if not slightly strange. I say are you awake of course I am awake I just had to shut it down. Shut what down. The game you know the one. The game the game. So I name the game that we had been playing that night and with a slight smile and a sigh he says yeah.

Then nothing just pure snoring. About half an hour later I feel him getting up again. Where are you going. Getting something to eat is the reply I get. I hear the toilet flush and back up he comes, I ask what did he get to eat he muttered something and climbed back into bed.

So the next day it was time to discuss what was on his mind and apart from the odd sentence when I first wake him up when I need the bathroom in the night, we haven't had any more incidents yet!!

Dear H

To my dearest H,

I would love to know where the last five months have gone? You seemed so big when you were born at 9lbs but now you just seem even bigger.

Your a real Daddy's girl you have been from the start you wouldn't let anyone feel you kicking. Even now you are a daddy's girl  unless your under the weather and tired and then you want mummy huggles to help you get to sleep.

That tooth is getting so much closer to coming through, and you seem to not be teething as bad now, your certainly not as cranky or needing your teething gel that much in fact you prefer your teething toys. And now that we have started weaning you, you love to chomp on the spoon. I can tell when you have had enough baby rice as you start to blow bubbles in to it. Almost to make a point as if your saying 'I'm done now mummy'.

Even though the doctors have said you are deaf in your left ear, I am beginning to have my doubts. You can hear the smallest of sounds and you always turn to the right direction when someone calls your name. That is unless your engrossed in something and that's normally the tv.

You hate children's programs and make whinny noises until we turn it over to a program like how's it made? If you are on the floor and cant see the tv you do this thing where you turn your body and twist yourself until your in the best position to see the tv. That's it then, you have once been so transfixed by the television that when your Glama waved her hand in front of your face you didn't even blink!

Your rolling over both ways now. Even attempting a commando crawl with your knees, that is if you see something you want. You have such determination that I know you will do well when you are older. I often wonder what will your voice sound like? Will you enjoy school? What will you want to be when you grow up?

It's true when they say that babies have a sixth sense, you can tell when mummy or daddy is having a sad day and you will reach your arms out to ask for a hug. Then once you have been picked up, you will nuzzle your head in to either of our necks whilst your other hand gently strokes mine/dad's face before looping your arm round and wriggling further in for proper snuggles.

You are one of the most happiest, giggliest babies I have ever known. You are so content. We really have been blessed with you. When we were stuck in the hospital the other day for nearly 5 hours (not for the first time) you made all the other patients smile with your big beams and giggles when people pulled funny faces. You didn't fuss once and all the nurses were amazed by you. One even said you have the perfect baby look and should be a baby model. Obviously me and your dad agreed but then we are totally bias.

We now have a new game that you play and that's what position are you going to be in when you wake up in the morning. We have had some funny photos. You have sometimes managed to get to the other end of the bed and turn yourself round and then get on to your tummy. You have totally wrapped yourself up in the quilt. One morning we heard giggling and a tap tap on the baby monitor then it went quiet. You had turned it the other way round so that the microphone was muffled by the mattress. You panicked your dad the other morning when he walked in and found you completely under your quilt. I think you were trying to play peek-a-boo because that's how you have seen me do it.

My favourite position that we found you in is this one below. You look like you are becoming a bit of a poser! Your so chirpy in the mornings always ready to come in to mummy for a good morning smile a giggle and a kiss.

You now hold your legs up when your bum gets changed, mainly so you can try and get both feet in your mouth. To me in my eyes, your a clever little determined baby, who knows how to get what she wants from daddy already haha!

What has always amazed me since you have been born though, is the love that I have for you. This small little thing that comes in to your life like a whirlwind and eventually its really hard to forget what life was like without you. It makes me so glad that your here now.

You had your first time in the swimming baths but now, you will have to wait till mummy gets better before I can take you again but you loved it. You didn't want to get out. But as soon as you did and we got you on the changing bench wrapped in a towel, you were fast off.

You look just like your dad when you sleep, and just like your dad you can sleep pretty much anywhere with some amusing poses taking place.

It is yet again another one of my favourite photos of you. I wonder whether because your such a good baby but already showing determination whether you are going to suffer from terrible twos... I can't imagine you at that age let alone older than that, because it still doesn't seem like five minutes a go since I really couldn't wait to have you!

Your asleep in your dads arms at the moment. I hope your dreaming of nice things, and I will see you for morning smiles in the morning.

All my love xxxxx