Monday, 29 August 2011

A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?


  1. *hugs* no advice, for you, but hugs.

  2. Oh hun, I wish I could come and help you. There has got to be a way to change case workr and a complaint needs to be made as she is not right for the job.
    I hope you feel better after putting it down in words. H knows your her mummy and I'm sure in time things will get better and remember, whilst she's little she won't remember any of this.
    Take time to yourself and try not to worry although I know this will be hard.
    Big "hugs" to you. Take care.

  3. Well done for writing it and clicking post. I hope its made you feel better, even if just a little bit.
    I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment and hope things get better for you really soon.

  4. Well Done for writing how you feel down and hope it helps!
    Your hubby sounds really supportive which is fantastic!
    Yes defiantly put a complaint in!
    I hope the doctors help you soon! You will have plenty of time with your daughter don't worry. I suffered Post natal anxiety and wasn't myself for 6 months, I just wanted to sleep too, as I could give myself a rest! xx

  5. Sorry you are going through so much at the moment.

  6. You poor thing!
    I'm so sorry that things are so hard at the moment :( Just want to be there and giver you a huge hug!
    My hubby is very supportive like yours and you can't beat yourself up for needing so much help - you are doing the best you can and remember, they all love you so much.
    I'm on the way up from a melt down, it takes time, but things will all work out right in the end.
    Sort out your caseworker and doctor - they both need a boot up the arse!!
    Loadsa hugs honey!!! You're brilliant for sharing xxx

  7. Awwww I'm so sorry your going through so much at the moment and pray that things get better for you and your family.

  8. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I really didn't expect this reaction and it has touched me, that people I only know through blogging are so supportive. Thanks again, I know I will get there its just going to be a long battle and I need to get my energy back. Hopefully we will sort out a new case worker on Tues, and as for the doc when i see her i think she will be timid as the neurosurgeon was unimpressed that she had seen what a state i was in and i had to ask to go on anti depressants! so i think she may have a snotty letter going her way xx

  9. Well done for publishing this post.

    Hope you sort out a new case worker. Sounds like the one you have doesn't know her arse from her elbow - not something you need right now!

    Hugs for you and fingers crossed the next two weeks bring some good news.


  10. Were you successful in getting a new caseworker today? I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Home Start, but they are there to help mum's just like you. They can't offer everything, but may give you a bit of help.

    Hoping things improve for you.x

  11. we heard today that we have to wait until she is in to hand our folder over to someone else. Your right i dont think she knows her arse from her elbow and i think her work ethics are unsuitable for the job, what makes me laugh even more though is the person whos supposed to cover her cases refused to help us, which eventually led to a breakdown. Lucky mums here at the moment so after two weeks if the spinal epidural steriod thing doesnt work and the sleep side affects havent gone i will have to go back with my mum until i get appointments. Which mentally will not help me or my husband as we would only get to see one another at the weekend! thank you for the link if my eyes werent blurring over i would take a look do will do tomorro, thanks for all your support it really does mean so much to me xx

  12. I'm glad we have helped you! Keep letting us know how your getting on here or facebook!Im Victoria Wilkinson on your post :) x