Everyday since my breakdown if I haven't taken a diazipam which I am supposed to be getting weaned off in the next few weeks I'm inconsolable. I hyperventilate, I blame myself for things that I have/had no control over. I am normally a logical person but on days like that I am illogical.
There is an Anastacia song and some of the lyrics really really say it all 'I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired'
No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say
I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired
Doesn't it just sum it up completely. Don't get me wrong I had my fairy tale wedding, but not a fairy tale ending. When I had H, there was so much I was going to do with her. Now though I can only feed her once a day because it hurts to much and I am normally asleep all the time as well.
My heart feels broken because as I said to my mum and husband tonight when we were having a conversation, I feel guilty all the time. I feel like I am bringing them down with me and its not fair. They are having to do what I should be doing.
I feel guilty about the miscarriage that I had before H. The reason for this is I was convinced I was pregnant but when I took the test it was negative. So that day we went to the fun fair I went on all the rides and then the next night me and hub went out and got absolutely bladdered. It was from that night I started to cramp. A day or so later hub left on deployment. Two days after he had gone I started to bleed and there it was. I got it confirmed by the doctors. I originally didn't want to tell the oh but he knew something was up and wouldn't give in. So I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have, according to some, but it was my decision and I had just moved to a city where I didn't have one friend who I could cry on I was on my own apart from when my mum came down just after we found out.
A certain person rang, and said I should be happy because I 'dont have to deal with it now'. It hurt at the time, in fact it still hurts now. I will never forget the careless comment but I will move on.As it is history and needs and must.
Its only tonight I realised that I never really grieved sure I cried but that was mainly because I was worried about the hubby who was miles and miles away unable to be here and I knew it would hit him hard. So I felt like I had to be strong and put on a brave face and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I put on too brave a face.
At that time we were having problems getting things sorted out in the Masonite we were living in because the company we went with were useless and it took them well over a year to refund our deposit. So I was dealing with all of that then hub got home we decided to try for a baby. Got pregnant straight away and then we were offered a draft in Cyprus. It was ideal because our lease was coming up I could stay with my mum for two weeks and then jet off to the high life.
The week before we were due to fly out I passed out. That night the hub phoned me told me he was coming to see me in Swindon as he was to go and talk to his boss the next day at 12. His boss wasn't there, hub looked on the system and realised we weren't going to Cyprus. Long story short I was stuck apart from my husband for four month before they got us accommodation. There was never a real explanation and never an apology.
Then the car broke down. In fact its now off roaded and we intend to scrap it, we spent far to much money on it its not worth it any more. Then the computer broke. Then just before Christmas our account got defrauded by £300 which took a while to claim back.
Then cherry on the cake for Christmas was we got pulled over. It appeared we had no insurance, because we paid by direct debit and didn't have a reminder we didn't realise. It was a genuine mistake. So the car got impounded theres £250 and i think the fine was nearly £300.
So you think when we finally get to Plymouth start getting settled things would get better, nope. I was a high risk pregnancy. I had high platelets meaning I was liable for blood clots. I could barley walk and have since found out after an MRI which was taken about 3 months after having H and having had physio. I really should have been in a wheelchair. Luckily now because I am its finally starting to close its not as serve as it was but still there.
Then we get told H is deaf in one ear. My dad has cancer. I need my gallbladder out and a spine operation. Plus I need to find out whats happening to my body. Everyday is the same. I sleep I read I spend time with H and hub then its time for bed. I am not living, I am merely existing.
I have blamed myself for H being deaf in one ear, but logically know that's not my fault. I feel guilty for not doing more. I feel guilty for crying and worrying everyone else.I feel guilty because my Dad was upset that he can't do more,but firstly he lives too far away and secondly he is too ill, so I feel guilty for making him feel guilty.I then feel like a stupid cow because there are people out there worse off than me, but this hasn't just been one tiny things this has been a combination and finally I have exploded and its hard to stop.
I blame myself for my back problems because I honestly believe it happened in labour because the epidural had numbed my legs and trust me only my legs they kept telling me to hoist myself up the bed, I didn't have any help in moving about. So I think I should have demanded a c-section, especially when the consultant turned round and said if what he thinks is wrong with H's ears is right it was probably the labour that caused her to be deaf.
So no I can't smile that much at the moment. Although I am trying soo hard to see the light, to find things to look forward to, but its near impossible. I can sit and give advice to my friends but I think its a case that its difficult to swallow your own medicine.
What really bugged me though was when I got slagged off for not going around a mates house as much as they came round here. Hang on a minute, I can't walk to the bathroom so getting down the stairs is like climbing mount Everest and the same with the steps outside the house. Long car journeys do me no good because it causes the pain in my hips and back so its impossible. I just wish people would just stop and think for a minute before making judgements. Just because you can't physically see whats happening inside my body you shouldn't make judgements. But unfortunately that is today's society if you see a miss behaving kid you blame the parents, you never stop for one minute to think wait hang on there could be something wrong which is not his or his or her parents fault.
We English love to complain and I know all I have done is moan and droan in this particular blog. But I will leave it on a good note, when H saw me upset earlier she held her arms out to me for a cuddle i picked her up she put her arms round her neck and nuzzled her head in to my neck as if to say its going to be ok. I know it is, I know that because I have found out those who are real friends, plus my mum and husband couldn't do anymore than they already are.
Also for those of you who actually read the whole of my blogs, thank you. Especially those that comment. It means a lot to me right now, and it gives me faith back that people care, even when its someone they don't know personally.
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| This my family, is whats keeping me going. I love them more than words can ever say. |
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