Ok so I know I've really neglected my blog of late.
I've been to rock bottom and back again. Well at least that's what it feels like! Well I shall do my best to catch you up.. But I warn you I am typing this on my phone so you will have to excuse any typos..
As the majority of you know I had my gallbladder out about a month ago and really things haven't improved too much. I've lost four stone in the last 6 months- don't get me wrong I love an excuse to buy new clothes.. It is concerning however when I've not been active and I haven't exactly been the worlds healthiest eater!!
Well I went for a scan after a month of having my gallbladder and I have one doctor telling me that it's just bruising there. Another telling me there's a blood clot and a collection of stones.. So I think I have to wait for another scan!!
With all my symptoms and the fact that I am not absorbing my vitamins as I should they want to test for Chrons disease- runs in the family and does add up.
Then after the joy of being almost free from back pain that's come back to bite me in the bum with a vengeance! It spasms and not only that but now it has a new trick! It locks up and renders me imobile until the hubby literally moves me- not a pleasant experience. It's also a pain in the proverbial both literally and mentally. Try having a very active 8 month old who has decided that now is a grand time to stand up and try to walk. Plus you can guarantee the time my back goes is when I need to get her out of her cot or it's dinner time and this does not make for a happy baby or mummy!!
I'm trying so hard these days to focus on the things I can do. Things that a few months ago were impossible. Walking would be a grand example!! H is growing up so fast and I don't feel I'm missing out as much as I was. What is a pain however is that when the hubby comes in from work he takes over and nine times out of ten I go bed. My biggest fear is that this is going to impact on our relationship in a bad way. So we do what we always do. We make the best of what we've got and make sure we are open with one another..
One of the things that hurt alot. More than I was prepared to admit was my father. He's an alcoholic. Along with a lot of other things. We hadn't spoken in years. When I found out he had cancer I tried to make amends. Maybe for selfish reasons in the sense that I did not want anything to happen to him and I hadn't tried.
Well the first time I tried I got a not so nice email. Basically telling me as far as he was concerned he didn't have a daughter an all I ever did was cause problems. Then it was followed by a complete lie. You see me and his wife have never really seen eye to eye. Apparently my father was seriously ill in hospital with a blood clot on the lung (since found out it wasn't serious and certainly wasn't a clot but hey ho) so anyway his wife tells him she's contacted me and I've said I don't care.
Well anyway. I try to tell him this hasn't happened at all to no avail! So I left it. Then I heard that things were pretty bad. By this time I was pregnant with his first grandchild. I felt he deserved another chance. So I tried again. Totally different response almost like a different person answered the email!
He told me how happy he was for me etc. Now stupidly what with him having chemo I honestly managed to get in my head that he wouldn't be drinking anymore. So we went off to meet up. First thing that happens when we get there bear in mind it's probably about 2pm is that he cracks a cider open. I think my heart sunk at that I felt gullible for believing that things could honestly change and like so many times before where he was concerned I felt let down!
Other than a slight disagreement and the obvious awkwardness the night seemed to go smoothly. He said that he wanted to leave the past in the past this was fine by me as I knew that we would just argue about it as we have done so many times before..
So things went well and we came home. I felt a little hope that maybe H could have some form of a relationship with him. After she was born they came to see us. We went for a meal and then came back to the house. We hadn't been back long when he said he needed to get back to the hotel and would nip in on the way home the next day.
I was surprised to say the least he hadn't been round for long and it seemed a long way to come, plus he didn't seem to be that interested in H. I jokingly said to the hubby I bet he had to get back so he could go to the pub. The next day my joke was proved to be a spot on theory.
Well as far as I was concerned as long as he wasn't doing it around me or H I didn't care. I didn't need to know or be a part of it.
We were then asked to go to their caravan for my step mums birthday. Whilst there after my Dad had had one to many he told me and the hubby that he had five years left to live. Really didn't know how to feel about that one. Or how to react.
Fast forward a few months later when I'm informed that it's all a lie. My Dad been given the all clear. Since I found that and the fact that they need bothered to get in contact when I had emergency surgery I stopped all contact.
I can't believe that anyone would be sick enough to lie about that. I certainly don't need him in my life I've managed very well so far. I don't need the heartache and I don't want H to suffer because of his lies. I feel stupid for falling for it. It's not like it's the first time he's told me he's dying but the fact he had cancer I had no reason to think otherwise really!!!
So now trust becomes an issue for me again. I know some people won't be happy that I've posted this but you know what I don't care. My Dad has told so many lies about me and caused problems in the family that it's time the truth came our about him. He's nothing but a drunk and a wife beater. Him and his current wife are as bad as on another and deserve one another!!
I realise now that sometimes you make your own family. Friends can become your family and an important part of your life when they are true friends.
I guess my main thoughts are I don't know how family's do things like that to one another. You can't always take people at face value even if they are some one you are supposed to be able to depend upon.