Before I start I want to point out this post isn't intended to sound depressing. Its just some reflecting that I have done over the last few weeks. And after a conversation yesterday made me decide to lay the cards on the table so to speak.
I am what I am. Those who know me will know this. I don't pretend to be someone I am not, and I don't take kindly to those who do. I give my trust far to easily and normally end up being the one that gets hurt.
Sometimes people see my skin and not me. Sometimes people don't notice it because they have bothered to get to know me. My skin is just that. It isn't anything to do with who I am as a person and I refuse to let it rule my life.
I don't lie unless it is a white lie to save someones feelings and I hate people who compulsively lie. Who worm their way in and eventually try to destroy something good that you once had.
I am blunt, I tell it how it is. It often gets me in to trouble. But that is who I am and why should I try to be any different just to please a few?
The thing is you will never please everyone. There is no point trying to. So now I please myself and my family. My family comes first. My husband and daughter are my world. I will fight tooth and nail for them. I will always do the best I can by them.
If you hurt me once I normally (and stupidly) give people a second chance. Whats the saying you fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I have a saying that springs to mind whilst writing this post and that is everyone is like and elastic band and we all have different snapping points.
I beat myself up when a friend betrays me. I ask myself over and over again why didn't I see the warning signs before? What have I done to deserve this? Am I a bad person? But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I said to my mum yesterday, that's it there is no point trusting anyone anymore, its me that ends up hurt.
As my mum pointed out you cant live like that. Because then you don't know what friendships you may miss out on. I have some friends from Swindon still who I know I can rely on at any time and they have been there through the ups and the downs.
One of my closest friends T, who I refer to as big sis has used most of her holiday to come down and help me out. She wont brag about it that's not who she is, she is doing a kind turn. I will never be able to thank her enough and I don't think she knows what she means to me.
Yet others have done things in the past which has meant that I have overlooked the bad things that they have said and done thinking they are a good person. Until I realised that actually these people they do it to make themselves look good. Instead of keeping quiet they will brag about it. Not only will they do that but then they throw it in your face.
I am like my mum in the sense that I don't like to be indebted to anyone. It causes to much hassle, but sometimes you have no choice.
I like to have a laugh and a joke. I like to read. I over analysis far too much, which sometimes is a good thing but at other times is a bad thing. I have far too much time on my hands at the moment and over think things way to much. I guess what I am saying is I can be a bit like marmite you either love me or you hate me.
The way I have come to think now, a leopard doesn't change its spots. No more second chances. I am not a doormat and I wont be treated the same way I have been in the past. I may say that I don't care what people say about me, but deep down it does matter. No-one likes to be disliked. No-one likes to be slagged off.
Sometimes when I am in agony I put on a brave face shrug my shoulders and act like every things ok. Those that aren't that close to me wont see it. But those that are lucky enough to be close to me can read me like a book, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, apart from when I am in pain. I don't like to bring other people down its not fair on them.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that no-one is perfect. Not everyone is going to like you. Don't act anything other than yourself. Because it will all come out eventually and can backfire on you big time.
Be who you are, and be it proudly. Everyone is stronger than they think they are. I have had people say to me before I wouldn't cope if I was in your shoes. My reply you would because you have to. No matter how hard it may be to do things you do them because you want the best for your loved ones, and that doesn't mean taking the easy way out. If people don't like it they know where the door is.
Don't let anyone convince you that your not good enough. That your not strong. That your not beautiful because everyone in some way is. I know this post is a bit strange but its something I wanted to say, as I know so many people who have been knocked down and let other people take something away from them i.e. their self esteem and its a long battle to get it back.
So I guess in all my rambling what I am trying to say is be who you are NEVER pretend, don't play games and get caught up in bitching, don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face, because in the end you will get caught out, I have caught out so many people. I even caught someone out with my baby monitor slagging me off in my house. Be yourself and be happy that you are who you are and remember people are LUCKY if they get to be a part of your life.