My Guilty Pleasure - Retail Therapy

I have to say it. I must be a typical woman. When your down there is nothing better than a bit of retail therapy!! Especially when you get some bargains.

I had decided to make my way down the stairs. Whilst down there I knew I needed to get out of the house and it not be just for an appointment. So we decided to go to Tesco. D had a voucher for £5 off when you spent £50.

Well lets just say we definitely spent that. Originally I was just going to get a few books and a few more grows and vests in the next size up for H. Seriously though who can resist pretty dresses and dungarees when they are half price.

My husband seems to be a Jeans man. It always tickles me that whenever we go to a clothing shock in deep surprise he will say oh they stock my size. Every time, talk about gold fish memory. Well I did a deal if he wanted new jeans he could have them on the provision of chucking some of his old 8 yes 8 pairs away. Which reminds me I need to get him to actually chuck a pair away.

Hubby cracks me up if a top has a hole in he doesn't want it chucked because, well its a comfy top. If it has a stain on it.. He has a fair few of those then they are saved for decorating. Even though we have done all the decorating we intend to do before we move out. You see we are in married quarters and I would rather not spend a fortune on decorating it to have to put it back to square one in a year to 2 years!

Anyway, I am a pj girl at the moment. Considering I spend most of my time in my bedroom and when my skin is flared, they are the comfiest things to wear. So how could I resist when I saw some bright yellow sponge bob square pants pj's in the sale, in my size. That in my books is a sign. All my husband had to say on the matter was, they were that bright he would feel like the light was on even when he had turned it off humph!!

One thing that does annoy me though is how difficult it is to shop. I have to hold on to H in the wheel chair and D puts big bags for life on the back and fills them up, that's the only way we know how to do it at the moment. H loves it as she can see so much more than she can in her pushchair. But I do get annoyed when people come up and start touching her. I think its a bit rude!

So we left Tescos a lot lighter, with far to many clothes for H. And a few more clothes for ourselves. I don't know whether this would be seen as a good or bad thing but my hubby is better at picking clothes out for me than I am. But not always great at picking stuff out for himself!

So what do you do when your feeling down and want to cheer yourself up?

At Last!!

I think I may finally after all these month just possibly, hold my breath and cross my fingers be getting somewhere. After having to pay £250 for a 15 minute consultation (Thank you so so much dad!!) Which my husband worked out at roughly £17 a minute... Maybe I need to think about a new career ha ha!!

But getting back on to the subject yesterday was the day, again. I didn't want to call it d-day again in case of jinxing it to disaster day again. He took some notes did a through a examination and thankfully doesn't believe it to be MS... breath a sigh of relief.. possibly the first one in months!

He did admittedly get my back up when he tried pinning it on my arthritis and psoriasis..oh and lets not forget pregnancy... I thought here we bloody go again. But instead of keeping my mouth shut this time I piped up and asked him how would that cause the other symptoms I am having. At which point he shut up. Probably not the wisest move to insult or put a professor in his place, but I have got to the stage that I am sick of doctors with their god like arrogance.

So anyway he said that he wants to review my last MRI, because, wait for it... It could be to do with my slipped disc and the possibility of Avascular Necrosis as.. as I had said before, symptoms mirror and also refer to other places.. that's why its called referred pain! But he did say he also wants another MRI of my Neck, Brain (that should be an interesting one ha ha) and of my spine, to see if there are any changes. Then go from there.

I asked how much an MRI would cost and he was honest and told us to go through the nhs as it will be just as quick and will save us A LOT of money! Then my doctor rang to say that she had put through a referral for the pain management team (could be interesting as they aren't sure whats causing the problems and she doesn't think they will help) and was also going to send me to a spinal specialist.

Finally they seem to be sitting up and listening. But what I think is disgraceful is the fact they cant get me in to pain management until the middle of September and they only managed to get me in that early by saying back pain rather than general!

Ahh well, have to chase up my hip MRI, which if it still shows water on the bone means that its looking more and more likely that it is Avascular Necrosis, and if the idiot says hes still not sure as much as I don't want to I will be telling him to take a bloody biopsy. I don't particularly want to wait around to see if my hip collapses!! Gorden Bennett I need a bloody good holiday!!

So maybe just maybe, slowly but surely I am making progress. Today for the first time in a long time I have woken up with out my legs feeling completely weak and am able to use my zimmer rather than the wheel chair to get to the bathroom. Not going downstairs, don't want to spoil what is actually at the moment a good day pain wise.

My mum was telling me this morning that she thinks I have lost confidence and am not the person I was. I have to say I totally agree. There has been alot thrown at me this year. But step by step I am getting there. I WILL beat whatever this is. I WILL get better for my Husband and Daughter. I WILL be able to start living again not just existing! The last few days have also taught me that their are Doctors out there willing to listen and help!

I have had some cuddles with H put her on the bed and boom feet straight in mouth. Then looks at me cheekily with her cheeky laugh as if to say look at what I can do!

The games that people play

It has taken me a few days to decide to post this , which is why I was quiet yesterday. However, after actions of others I no longer have any intentions of being careful what I put for fear of somebody misreading it. My thoughts on that are if you read it and think its something to do with you then you obviously have a guilty conscious.

I'm stuck with a bit of a dilemma. Someone who only knows half the story, but obviously thinks that they know it all is making a point.

I would love to tell this person, what has really been said and done. I would love for them to know the truth. I would love for them to see the texts of them being slagged off. However, I have so much on my plate I don't want or need the hassle. I have done my best to walk away from the two-faced conversations, I never say something behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their face. I would not stoop as low as this person has with the remarks that have been said.

So I think I will have to let it pass, and let someone I once trusted walk all over me for the first time, and trust me it will also be the last.

If they want to make judgements they should hear both sides, instead of snide snippy remarks, and stupid statuses/ tweets. I know I have been guilty in fighting back this way sometimes.

I think now is the time to stop playing games. If that person were to care enough, or to value a friendship enough, they would talk. Not play this silly game. I am sorry if I am not on the phone talking or texting 24/7 half of my day is spent sleeping the other trying to catch up on lost time with my husband and baby. I am sorry that I am ill and I have more important things going off in my life right now. My family comes first and people need to remember that.

I forget important things that are happening around me. That's what happens when I am stressed to the max. But if you gently remind me or nudge me I would still be there. But instead I get thrown to the side, so subtly you wouldn't know it had happened.

Maybe trying to still keep me sweet, keep me on side to get gossip or find some use from me. I am not a user and I don't like being used. Its only now, now that I am in a wheelchair struggling to get from one day to the next that I am starting to learn who my real friends are. Not as many as I thought that's for sure.
Alot of people want me to go home to swindon. But this is my home, with my husband and daughter and unless I have no choice I am going no where. Even if I don't have that much support here.

If people had a problem they should be as open as they claim to be and just come out with it. I'm tired I am not playing games, although I suppose this post could be seen as a game its not. Its a white flag. I give up with games.

I will rant if I want to rant and I do not appreciate being slagged off for it. WE ALL DO IT!

If no one ever ranted then how the hell did they get through life. Another trust has been broken, without them realising how much damage they are doing by playing this game. I have nothing to lose, they have everything to lose. Because in essence they are giving their trust to the enemy, but I think the lesson will have to be learnt the hard way.

Am I harsh in doing this? I don't think so. Either way its going to blow. I am far enough away from that situation and bloody glad to be out of it. They chose their side without getting both sides of the story. So now its my turn to back off. I wont enjoy watching it go wrong. I am not the sort of person who gets satisfaction from other peoples pain.

I have my family that's all I need.

Lil H's Scan

Well I went to the hospital worried, I really didn't think we would get her to sleep. As she only seems to take ten minute naps these days. Plus the past week it sounded like she hadn't really been napping. But then again I think she may have been getting spoilt with cuddles. Don't get me wrong yes she needs love and attention and cuddles, but you can't pick a baby up every time they make a noise otherwise they expect it. Babies are not stupid. Yes she needs interaction but not 24/7, people still need to be able to do the house work. But it would seem after our guests left, whether or not its because shes teething I really don't know. You can't put her down, as soon as you do she whinges.

Now if she was full on crying, needed her nappy changing, needed feeding then she lets you know if you see what I mean. Then she will really cry not just little moany whingey noises, or as has happened now fake coughing. We seem to be managing to get her back in to routine now, so hopefully it was just a phase. Lil madam will laugh as soon as you go in to see whats wrong which leads me to believe she's dipping her toe in the water so to speak to get attention.

It brings questions to the mind of controlled crying, or do you tend to them straight the way. I don't think there is a wrong or a right way of doing it, all babies are different. There is a huge difference between controlled crying and neglect. As I say though unless shes hungry or maybe under the weather it isn't really a cry.

Any way back to the hospital. I really was worried, because if she didn't sleep for the scan it would be more weeks of waiting and then the fact that she would have to have a general anesthetic. Which as I am sure most parents would agree I don't want for my baby.

So we were trying to feed her, she took two ounces and started crying and fussing. So not like her at all. I managed to calm her and passed her to her daddy, he managed to get another three ounces down her and some heavy eyes! So I took her back and had her resting on my chest gently stroking her hair and making low shh shushing sounds in her good ear.

She was out for the count I was so relieved, but still anxious, how long would we have to wait? How long would she stay asleep like this for? So when the nurse finally came out I managed to breath a little, but still not completely they still had to get her on to the bed for the ct scan.

As soon as she was took from my arms and placed on the bed she started crying. Because the beds a lot higher than the wheelchair I thought she had woken up and honestly my heart was breaking. The radiologists were fantastic stroking her hair and swaddling her.

Finally she seemed settled, it would seem she had cried out in her sleep, because they had to put her head in some sort of vice like thing to stop it from moving and they don't think she liked that. When they asked who wanted to stay in the room we agreed I would. I think D did this knowing how little I can do for her at the moment and how anxious I would be outside. I am grateful to him for that, because I can imagine it wasn't easy being the other side of the door waiting.

I honestly can't imagine how parents must feel when there children have to have operations, she was only having a scan and I was in pieces. But you see this scan could end up changing her whole life. If its positive it means one simple knock to the head and she will be completely deaf.

So now we have to sit and wait for an appointment for the results. I tell you if I see the same consultant I will be asking him what he meant when he said the next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. I will not take the blame for this. For a while I did. But I did everything I could to protect my baby. I took painkillers towards the end on both doctors and consultants orders, telling me that I would harm my baby more by not taking painkillers because I would be stressing the baby out.

H will grow up knowing no different. We will tell her how special she is. If the test comes back positive, which my gut is telling me it is. Then me and D will learn sign language and teach it to her from now. We will talk and sign so that if the worst was to ever happen, she will still be able to communicate.

So for now I will try not to worry I will watch over her as she sleeps and be prepared for whatever the answer is. Next big day coming up  is my private appointment with the professor in neurology. Lets hope we are one step closer to getting answers.

Missed First's

I have begun to realise that this blog has become not about, parenthood per say, or as much about our family life as what I first intended to.

It has mainly become about the roller coaster at the moment which is my life and my emotions. Some posts I don't even expect people to read, but I write them anyway because it is an outlet for me. Its somewhere for me to vent. Rather than at the poor husband ha ha!

Writing has always been something I enjoyed and until recently I didn't have the time to blog and I do hope that when I am better I will be that busy doing things and making up for lost time that it won't be everyday that I blog. Or even if I do that its a short one.

You see the reason I don't blog so much about mummy skills or doing things as a mummy is because on a bad day I will tell you I don't feel like much of a mum as I can't offer H much other than love and attention.
Not that H seems to mind. This last week has left me feeling a little unsure of my feelings. I am so happy that she is doing all these wonderful new things, but absolutely heartbroken that I am not the first one to see them.

My husband pointed out to me, that most of these new things she is doing he didn't see first either. But as I pointed out back to him- well hes the one that goes to work. That was always going to be the inevitable. For me however, I was supposed to be the main care giver. I always thought that I would be there for all of her firsts.

Though it would seem I am missing a few, now I know that its not like shes taken her first steps or crawled for the first time, but every new thing that she does amazes me and dazzles me and as her proud mummy I want to be the first to witness it all. Which I know sounds really selfish.

At this moment in time I guess I am sulking. I guess I am jealous of my friend. I don't like the fact that I am jealous of T after how much she has done and continues to do for me. I beginning to not like the depressed self pitying person that I can be some days.

I do on a normal day, like today, realise that its only normal that I am going to have days like this. So what if someone else gets to see her holding her feet in the air with her hands for the first time.

I will be around for a lot more firsts. Her first boyfriend (if her dad allows it!), her first day at school... bit out of order but you know what I mean.

So my aim now, is to get better, to get better to be there for all of her firsts. Then I can have mummy bragging rights!

Friday again

Well its Friday again. This week has flown by, mainly I think due to the fact that I missed two days sleeping. So today was time to say goodbye to T. I know it will be quite a while before I see her now and I am gutted, she is such a good friend and has always been there.

She has sorted out the house from us. Leaving it sparkling. Helped out by sorting our wadrobes out and helped me sort lil H's clothes. She really is a god send and has a heart of gold.

On a brighter note, me and the other half were ordering each others anniversary presents. Anyway one of mine and one of his turned up today so we were naughty and opened them. We are both like a pair of big kids and love giving one another gifts to see the others reaction.

When I was about to order hubbys gift I asked T if she thought ordering him a newspaper from the day he was born was more of a birthday gift. She agreed and said yes maybe look at doing something else... I said to her, we will probably end up getting one another the same gift!

Well turns out we nearly did if T hadn't have said it would be better for his birthday, as I now have a newspaper from the day I was born with a certificate to show its genuine. What I got the oh was a fake newspaper article, but it does look real. Saying how we had won couple of the year. Its an amusing piece that you stick your own picture in and was a bargain as it came framed and with a spare of the newspaper article.

We have both now said that the other stuff we are waiting on to be delievered we wont be giving one another as our anniversary isnt until the 8th of August. I am so chuffed with my purchases as I mainly managed to stick to paper and from what the hub has said so has he!

Another good thing was that I got my new glasses today so I can actually see for a change which makes me one happy bunny! Holly has now decided she is fasinated by her feet and tends to hold her legs up when T was changing her bum occasionally trying to give her toe a lil chew!!

And day 3 of the cream on my skin, also had a face mask first to get rid of some of the dead skin.

Catch up time!!

Well the last two days have been a bit of a blur.  Mainly spent sleeping, I think my body is trying to heal. Either that or I must be really low on Iron!! I mainly think its where the GP messed up my medication and my body is trying to get recovered from the shock of it all. So apologies for not being on. Think two days is the longest I have ever left it!

Yesterday was nice T and P took H out shopping with them, not before making sure I had plenty of drinks and snacks ha ha! Whilst they were out A popped over with a dvd for me to watch. Means I have something a bit different to watch. It was a flying visit but it was nice to catch up whilst both of us were baby free.

On a different note, I think my sena started working last night- note to self- you can not run with a zimmer frame. Its interesting to try though ha ha! Sorry if TMI!!

I still get a bit cross with the hub from time to time for not coming up as often. But he is getting better. However, his plan yesterday was to come up at 8 o'clock. His folks rang and he was chatting away so that went out the window. I suppose yesterday was what I might call a dark day. I was feeling down and miserable and just really teary. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that there is, just some days I find it alot harder than others to cope. I know my hospital appointment with the professor is only a week a way. However, that feels like a life time away. Monday we have H's CT scan, I don't know how this is going to work, if she doesn't sleep I am not sure if they will give her the general anaesthetic there and then or send us away for another appointment. I don't want to wait much longer to find out whether a bang to the head could leave her completely deaf. Plus I just don't know that I want my baby girl to go under general anaesthetic she's only 17 weeks old.

On the bright side H is coming along brilliantly. She is laughing and T has been teaching her to stick out her tongue and go phht! Then we realised that the little monkey has developed a 'fake cough'. When H feels we are not paying her enough attention because we are talking to one another and not her she used to shout. Now she does this fake little cough. I think she is turning out like her mother a stubborn monkey who knows what she wants!!

When T got back she came in to my room claiming that H had brought me a little something. Its a skin cream from lush that's supposed to help with Psoriasis and I must say after using it twice I can already see a difference, the white flakes have started to peel of leaving the red underneath.

Day 1 on the left                                         
Day 2 on the right. It looks redder I know, but the good thing is that the white flaky skin is coming off which means that its getting better, I am going to keep up with the cream. After years of steroid creams and prescription creams I have found something that seems to be working and isn't harmful! What do you think can you see the difference? Next time I do the pictures I think I will do it in the same lighting!! I also wish I'd took a picture before I even started using it.

The only thing I have found is it doesn't work under my boobs, if anything its made them more sore. I think they do need to be kept dry mainly with the odd bit of steroid cream. I have had such fun peeling the skin off my face and elbows... I know I'm not the only one who enjoys a good bit of peeling... only thing is I seem to lead a trail of skin where ever I go 'The high flake zone' my husband calls it.

I just say its a good job I'm not a criminal I would be leaving my DNA all over the place!!!