One day at a time.

I think right now the only way I can deal with the things happening in my life is to take it one day at a time. But I am finding even that difficult, I know I am being impaitent and wanting everything fixed now but wouldnt you?

Everyday since my breakdown if I haven't taken a diazipam which I am supposed to be getting weaned off in the next few weeks I'm inconsolable. I hyperventilate, I blame myself for things that I have/had no control over. I am normally a logical person but on days like that I am illogical.

There is an Anastacia song and some of the lyrics really really say it all 'I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired'

No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say
I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired

Doesn't it just sum it up completely. Don't get me wrong I had my fairy tale wedding, but not a fairy tale ending. When I had H, there was so much I was going to do with her. Now though I can only feed her once a day because it hurts to much and I am normally asleep all the time as well.

My heart feels broken because as I said to my mum and husband tonight when we were having a conversation, I feel guilty all the time. I feel like I am bringing them down with me and its not fair. They are having to do what I should be doing.

I feel guilty about the miscarriage that I had before H. The reason for this is I was convinced I was pregnant but when I took the test it was negative. So that day we went to the fun fair I went on all the rides and then the next night me and hub went out and got absolutely bladdered. It was from that night I started to cramp. A day or so later hub left on deployment. Two days after he had gone I started to bleed and there it was. I got it confirmed by the doctors. I originally didn't want to tell the oh but he knew something was up and wouldn't give in. So I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have, according to some, but it was my decision and I had just moved to a city where I didn't have one friend who I could cry on I was on my own apart from when my mum came down just after we found out.

 A certain person rang, and said I should be happy because I 'dont have to deal with it now'. It hurt at the time, in fact it still hurts now. I will never forget the careless comment but I will move on.As it is history and needs and must.

 Its only tonight I realised that I never really grieved sure I cried but that was mainly because I was worried about the hubby who was miles and miles away unable to be here and I knew it would hit him hard. So I felt like I had to be strong and put on a brave face and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I put on too brave a face.

At that time we were having problems getting things sorted out in the Masonite we were living in because the company we went with were useless and it took them well over a year to refund our deposit. So I was dealing with all of that then hub got home we decided to try for a baby. Got pregnant straight away and then we were offered a draft in Cyprus. It was ideal because our lease was coming up I could stay with my mum for two weeks and then jet off to the high life.

The week before we were due to fly out I passed out. That night the hub phoned me told me he was coming to see me in Swindon as he was to go and talk to his boss the next day at 12. His boss wasn't there, hub looked on the system and realised we weren't going to Cyprus. Long story short I was stuck apart from my husband for four month before they got us accommodation. There was never a real explanation and never an apology.

Then the car broke down. In fact its now off roaded and we intend to scrap it, we spent far to much money on it its not worth it any more. Then the computer broke. Then just before Christmas our account got defrauded by £300 which took a while to claim back.

Then cherry on the cake for Christmas was we got pulled over. It appeared we had no insurance, because we paid by direct debit and didn't have a reminder we didn't realise. It was a genuine mistake. So the car got impounded theres £250 and i think the fine was nearly £300.

So you think when we finally get to Plymouth start getting settled things would get better, nope. I was a high risk pregnancy. I had high platelets meaning I was liable for blood clots. I could barley walk and have since found out after an MRI which was taken about 3 months after having H and having had physio. I really should have been in a wheelchair. Luckily now because I am its finally starting to close its not as serve as it was but still there.

Then we get told H is deaf in one ear. My dad has cancer. I need my gallbladder out and a spine operation. Plus I need to find out whats happening to my body. Everyday is the same. I sleep I read I spend time with H and hub then its time for bed. I am not living, I am merely existing.

I have blamed myself for H being deaf in one ear, but logically know that's not my fault. I feel guilty for not doing more. I feel guilty for crying and worrying everyone else.I feel guilty because my Dad was upset that he can't do more,but firstly he lives too far away and secondly he is too ill, so I feel guilty for making him feel guilty.I then feel like a stupid cow because there are people out there worse off than me, but this hasn't just been one tiny things this has been a combination and finally I have exploded and its hard to stop.

 I blame myself for my back problems because I  honestly believe it happened in labour because the epidural had numbed my legs and trust me only my legs they kept telling me to hoist myself up the bed, I didn't have any help in moving about. So I think I should have demanded a c-section, especially when the consultant turned round and said if what he thinks is wrong with H's ears is right it was probably the labour that caused her to be deaf.

So no I can't smile that much at the moment. Although I am trying soo hard to see the light, to find things to look forward to, but its near impossible. I can sit and give advice to my friends but I think its a case that its difficult to swallow your own medicine.

What really bugged me though was when I got slagged off for not going around a mates house as much as they came round here. Hang on a minute, I can't walk to the bathroom so getting down the stairs is like climbing mount Everest and the same with the steps outside the house. Long car journeys do me no  good because it causes the pain in my hips and back so its impossible. I just wish people would just stop and think for a minute before making judgements. Just because you can't physically see whats happening inside my body you shouldn't make judgements. But unfortunately that is today's society if you see a miss behaving kid you blame the parents, you never stop for one minute to think wait hang on there could be something wrong which is not his or his or her parents fault.

We English love to complain and I know all I have done is moan and droan in this particular blog. But I will leave it on a good note, when H saw me upset earlier she held her arms out to me for a cuddle i picked her up she put her arms round her neck and nuzzled her head in to my neck as if to say its going to be ok. I know it is, I know that because I have found out those who are real friends, plus my mum and husband couldn't do anymore than they already are.

Also for those of you who actually read the whole of my blogs, thank you. Especially those that comment. It means a lot to me right now, and it gives me faith back that people care, even when its someone they don't know personally.

This my family, is whats keeping me going. I love them more than words can ever say.

A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?

The SleepWalker Returns

If you have read my blog from the beginning you will be aware that my husband is known to sleepwalk and talk. Mainly during stressful times.

Well after the neurosurgeon decided that yes we are going ahead with back surgery and urgently I think the stress for him was getting high again. What I sometimes forget, which is bad of me, is that this is hard on him to. Its not just me that's struggling to come up with a solution of how to look after H when hes at work when I can't even get to the bathroom myself anymore, let alone look after H, when holding her for more than two minutes if she is wriggling and playing leaves me in agony.

So anyway we came home that day and when we came through the door he hadn't locked his car as he was quickly going to the shops for something or other. Anyway that night we did the usual routine of feeding H and putting her to bed before we ate. A habit we must get out of because it means we aren't eating till 9/10pm which isn't really healthy.

Then we went through our evening ritual of playing finding hidden objects games. After glancing at the clock and seeing it was gone 3am (where does time go these days?!) I told him we both needed to go bed, as he would be up with H in the morning.

So just before I drifted off I remembered when we had come in from the hospital he hadn't locked his car, I was forgetting he had gone shops. I went through the ritual questions of "Are all the doors locked?" me "yep and every things turned off and the oven isn't afraid of the dark!"

The oven not being afraid of the dark was something I had come up with, because every time he cooked something in the oven he'd leave the light on. So after asking time and time again I just asked him did he leave the oven light on because it was afraid of the dark!

Moving on, so I put my head back on the pillow and cuddled back into him before jumping up and saying is the car locked? I was mainly worried as I had left my engagement ring in their after my MRI.

At this point my husband jumps up out of bed, flies to the bedroom door, slowly opening it up. He then looks round saying its safe, I still have my xp. He then slams the door shut and starts drawing something on it with his fingers which to me looks suspiciously like a smiley face. Startled I ask him what he is doing.
Getting the smiley faces, its vital for the energy. Deciding to go with the flow, because sometimes his sleep talking is amusing if not slightly strange. I say are you awake of course I am awake I just had to shut it down. Shut what down. The game you know the one. The game the game. So I name the game that we had been playing that night and with a slight smile and a sigh he says yeah.

Then nothing just pure snoring. About half an hour later I feel him getting up again. Where are you going. Getting something to eat is the reply I get. I hear the toilet flush and back up he comes, I ask what did he get to eat he muttered something and climbed back into bed.

So the next day it was time to discuss what was on his mind and apart from the odd sentence when I first wake him up when I need the bathroom in the night, we haven't had any more incidents yet!!

Dear H

To my dearest H,

I would love to know where the last five months have gone? You seemed so big when you were born at 9lbs but now you just seem even bigger.

Your a real Daddy's girl you have been from the start you wouldn't let anyone feel you kicking. Even now you are a daddy's girl  unless your under the weather and tired and then you want mummy huggles to help you get to sleep.

That tooth is getting so much closer to coming through, and you seem to not be teething as bad now, your certainly not as cranky or needing your teething gel that much in fact you prefer your teething toys. And now that we have started weaning you, you love to chomp on the spoon. I can tell when you have had enough baby rice as you start to blow bubbles in to it. Almost to make a point as if your saying 'I'm done now mummy'.

Even though the doctors have said you are deaf in your left ear, I am beginning to have my doubts. You can hear the smallest of sounds and you always turn to the right direction when someone calls your name. That is unless your engrossed in something and that's normally the tv.

You hate children's programs and make whinny noises until we turn it over to a program like how's it made? If you are on the floor and cant see the tv you do this thing where you turn your body and twist yourself until your in the best position to see the tv. That's it then, you have once been so transfixed by the television that when your Glama waved her hand in front of your face you didn't even blink!

Your rolling over both ways now. Even attempting a commando crawl with your knees, that is if you see something you want. You have such determination that I know you will do well when you are older. I often wonder what will your voice sound like? Will you enjoy school? What will you want to be when you grow up?

It's true when they say that babies have a sixth sense, you can tell when mummy or daddy is having a sad day and you will reach your arms out to ask for a hug. Then once you have been picked up, you will nuzzle your head in to either of our necks whilst your other hand gently strokes mine/dad's face before looping your arm round and wriggling further in for proper snuggles.

You are one of the most happiest, giggliest babies I have ever known. You are so content. We really have been blessed with you. When we were stuck in the hospital the other day for nearly 5 hours (not for the first time) you made all the other patients smile with your big beams and giggles when people pulled funny faces. You didn't fuss once and all the nurses were amazed by you. One even said you have the perfect baby look and should be a baby model. Obviously me and your dad agreed but then we are totally bias.

We now have a new game that you play and that's what position are you going to be in when you wake up in the morning. We have had some funny photos. You have sometimes managed to get to the other end of the bed and turn yourself round and then get on to your tummy. You have totally wrapped yourself up in the quilt. One morning we heard giggling and a tap tap on the baby monitor then it went quiet. You had turned it the other way round so that the microphone was muffled by the mattress. You panicked your dad the other morning when he walked in and found you completely under your quilt. I think you were trying to play peek-a-boo because that's how you have seen me do it.

My favourite position that we found you in is this one below. You look like you are becoming a bit of a poser! Your so chirpy in the mornings always ready to come in to mummy for a good morning smile a giggle and a kiss.

You now hold your legs up when your bum gets changed, mainly so you can try and get both feet in your mouth. To me in my eyes, your a clever little determined baby, who knows how to get what she wants from daddy already haha!

What has always amazed me since you have been born though, is the love that I have for you. This small little thing that comes in to your life like a whirlwind and eventually its really hard to forget what life was like without you. It makes me so glad that your here now.

You had your first time in the swimming baths but now, you will have to wait till mummy gets better before I can take you again but you loved it. You didn't want to get out. But as soon as you did and we got you on the changing bench wrapped in a towel, you were fast off.

You look just like your dad when you sleep, and just like your dad you can sleep pretty much anywhere with some amusing poses taking place.

It is yet again another one of my favourite photos of you. I wonder whether because your such a good baby but already showing determination whether you are going to suffer from terrible twos... I can't imagine you at that age let alone older than that, because it still doesn't seem like five minutes a go since I really couldn't wait to have you!

Your asleep in your dads arms at the moment. I hope your dreaming of nice things, and I will see you for morning smiles in the morning.

All my love xxxxx

Tattoos

Tattoos are a very personal thing. At least they are to me. Each of mine have a meaning. After seeing someone else post about tattoos a week or so ago I decided that it was time to post about each of mine.

I have to say they also can be rather addictive and if it wasn't for my psoriasis after I had H I would have had a tattoo for her.

Here is a picture of a tattoo on my wrist as you can see it is two love hearts entwined. Now I was 21 and had been thinking about getting a tattoo for such a long time. I had looked I had found a Tinkerbell picture I liked but had been warned by a tattoo artist that because it was in colour outline it probably wouldn't look as good and would really fade with time. So for a while I forgot about it.

Then me and the ex bf mentioned in friendship disaster posts. Went on our first ever girly holiday to St.Ives, its a stunning place and I love it. I loved the holiday and had so much fun. On our last night we went to a club and they stamped our wrists with the two love hearts so that we could go out for a fag and still get back in. I knew as soon as I saw that stamp on my wrist I had found what I wanted for a tattoo.

I think the tattoo artist saw me coming he charged £40 for it!

The second tattoo I got is as you can see a butterfly on the back of my neck. Now it was coming up to a friends wedding and I was having trouble finding a dress I liked. Well I had a dream in and in the dream I was wearing a beautiful colourful dress and had a butterfly tattoo on the back of my neck. When I ended up finding a dress almost identical to the one in my dream by pure chance, I decided it was a sign to get the next tattoo done.

My final tattoo is one on my foot which says freedom. I had seen it a few times before but refused to get it as it held no meaning for me. Anyway I think it was probably two years later and my skin had begun to clear up, to the point where by if you looked at me you wouldn't know. Also my joints had been better and I had stopped picking up every bug going. Then I moved in to a flat on my own. So a tattoo saying freedom seemed the perfect thing to get.
I would love to get more tattoo's especially one for H, but I can't because now my skin is quite bad so it would just attack the tattoo I am lucky that the ones I have haven't really been affected.

A Little Light

Well Wednesday we went to see the neurosurgeon. I didn't hold out much hope. I was falling towards rock bottom at this point. I had had enough and trying to figure out a way round things was getting harder. A very kind person said that they would hope for me as I said I didn't have any left.

That's the amazing thing about blogging and forums, you talk to people and they support you, even though they don't know you. I write about my struggles and problems because this is MY blog to do with as I wish! Why should I just keep quiet to please one or two people. If I have a problem with someone I come straight out and say it. My blog has been about my struggles and has been a huge help to me. It has given me faith that there are some genuine people left in the world.

To my surprise the neuro surgeon was fantastic and understanding. She showed us the damage to two of my discs in my back. Then showed us how a normal disc should look. There is a big difference, considering how badly my mobility is at the moment she has decided to operate.

Yes I am scared and nervous about it but at the same time I am glad finally someone has decided to take some action! I know what the risks are but I feel they are worth taking. The gallbladder surgery will go on hold as this takes priority! It has also been classed as urgent which could still mean 8 weeks, I really hope not.

We do kind of have a back up plan of care thanks to strongman aka cheesy chips man. I am not going to let the cat out of the bag on that one just yet don't want to jinx it, but if it pulls off it means finally my luck has changed.

As for H wow. She has come on so much. She could already roll over on to her front and shuffle on her bum, now she can roll over the other way. We gave her some baby rice and she lapped it up! Hopefully she may go down a bit earlier tonight.

H has definitely been showing signs of teething as she had some bloody dribble and you can see the white of the gum, and a bit protruding out where the tooth is. Still she is a good baby all she wants is extra cuddles. Like father like daughter, she is rather laid back. We were up at the hospital for five hours on Wednesday as I had to go to pre-op. She was amazing, she kept quiet and when people came over to pull faces and chat to her she would chat back and laugh. One nurse said she thinks she will be forward when she's older. Another said she should be a model as she has the perfect baby face. I agreed... Not biased at all!!

We also discovered how H was managing to get to the top of the bed when our backs were turned. Its not quite crawling (she isn't even 5 months yet so I don't expect her to do it until she is ready!) What she does is uses her knees to push herself forward to get what she wants. She hasn't realised yet that if she used her arms as well she would make her life easier!

Because she will be five months this month and has been draining most of her bottles and looking for more, after seeking advice, and also realising we can't hold her off much longer we decided tonight to try her with some baby rice. She didn't spit it out, hardly made a mess (although she was trying to get her hands in the bowl!) and grabbed the spoon to give herself some more! I think we can call it a success. Its such a hard life being a baby and having your every need looked after lol!

The only thing I worry about with weaning her is her reflux. Is that going to cause problems and how are we going to get the gaviscon down her if it is! I think its a case of time will tell.

Oh and this morning I was woken up to a brilliant surprise. A beautiful delicate ring with 12 diamonds and 18 carat white gold eternity ring engrave with xx love you xx. Choked me up, as the hub has know how long I have wanted one, mainly because my wedding ring is giving me an allergic reaction at the moment and some days my rings fit and others not. So it seems like the start of a good weekend.

Trying to get round to planning a games night soon. Won't be a long one though as I haven't got the stamina and it all depends if  I can get down the stairs or not! I have a pain clinic assessment next week so hopefully they will sort some better medication for the back out so I can ditch the wheelchair!

I think I have rattled on enough for now so I'm going to go!

Decisions

Time seems to have gotten away from me yet again. So it has been a few days since I last posted!

H is teething so at night time she has to have cuddles to fall asleep. Today she took the dummy for all of five minutes before spitting it out and having a hissy fit because shes over tired. D after a few attempts with the roundabout right outside where we live managed to get her to the docs about her rash. They said thrush. I however am not convinced, but I am not a doctor so will wait and see if the cream helps.

D as ever has been an amazing supportive husband. We did have a good anniversary and he surprised me by bringing my home flowers and chocolates even though we had already exchanged presents. Got a fantastic card off my mum with two camper vans on, if you have seen our dinning room you would understand why this is so apt. We both have a bit of an obsession with camper vans!

But going back to the title the decision is do I stay in Plymouth or move back to Swindon where I have a support network who could help me with H during the day. Also there is a house opposite my mother that's for rent. Seems kind of ideal. Except for night time, that's when I need the most help when I have taken all the tablets of an evening its impossible for me to get to the bathroom on my own without falling down as has already been proven.

However, I don't want to leave Plymouth. Here with the cheaper rent we can save up for a deposit on a house. Here I am settled and the thought of moving again makes me shudder. Plus all my appointments are on the go here and I remember from when I first spoke to a GP over here you cant just transfer everything over.

I would probably have to start again. Meaning being at the bottom of the waiting list for having my gallbladder out, which also means re-qualifying for the psoriasis and psoratic arthritis drug.  Plus waiting longer for pain management. I don't want to be a weekend wife I remember how hard that was last time. I also remember how hard it was on D. We didn't have H in the equation then.

Personally I don't think it would benefit me or H to do that. So I guess you could say my minds already made up. But its not really, as I may have no choice. If I can't cope then I will have to go. I just feel that a week ago before I got this cold I was getting there, I felt able to do more things, unless we went out I didn't use the wheelchair. Even then depending on the length of the walk as long as I had something to lean on I didn't need it.

The reason for that is we seem to have found a balance as far as painkillers are concerned. Now I know that I can't stay on these for ever because of the risk of addiction and the fact that after a while they will eventually not work as well.

This is only supposed to be temporary though. I am seeing a neuro surgeon Wednesday and I am going to make a point of asking what can be done and asking if I need to get myself admitted in to hospital before they take action!

I also have an MRI of my hips again. Now when I see that idiot consultant again I am going to tell him if he doesn't know what it is to do a biopsy. After getting really upset and in a state earlier I have got my fight back.

I will see how our visit from the naval personal family service goes. Depending on that I will whilst D is here try to take care of H as if he isn't here so that I know if I can cope or not.

After getting off the phone to my mum and speaking to D and feeling like I had to move I decided stuff it. I told D to give me the bottle I would feed H. Not only did I do that but I gave her a top and tail bath, not that successful the madam managed to pee all over me and be sick three times. Meaning I had to re-wash her a lot. I then gave her a massage with lavender baby oil which she seemed to enjoy.

Then I put her to bed. Admittedly my back is hurting alot. But I would rather that than go to Swindon at the moment. My happiness is here. But I am just not sure if that's the right decision anymore. I guess the only way to figure this out is to try it in Plymouth for a while and if it doesnt work go back to Swindon. Yes I risk that house across the road being gone but after mulling it over and talking with D for hours this seems like the best way to do it so that I dont sit in Swindon a month or so down the line feeling better and thinking what if.

I think this is almost one of the hardest decisions for me to make, there are so many pros and cons for both.