Tattoos

Tattoos are a very personal thing. At least they are to me. Each of mine have a meaning. After seeing someone else post about tattoos a week or so ago I decided that it was time to post about each of mine.

I have to say they also can be rather addictive and if it wasn't for my psoriasis after I had H I would have had a tattoo for her.

Here is a picture of a tattoo on my wrist as you can see it is two love hearts entwined. Now I was 21 and had been thinking about getting a tattoo for such a long time. I had looked I had found a Tinkerbell picture I liked but had been warned by a tattoo artist that because it was in colour outline it probably wouldn't look as good and would really fade with time. So for a while I forgot about it.

Then me and the ex bf mentioned in friendship disaster posts. Went on our first ever girly holiday to St.Ives, its a stunning place and I love it. I loved the holiday and had so much fun. On our last night we went to a club and they stamped our wrists with the two love hearts so that we could go out for a fag and still get back in. I knew as soon as I saw that stamp on my wrist I had found what I wanted for a tattoo.

I think the tattoo artist saw me coming he charged £40 for it!

The second tattoo I got is as you can see a butterfly on the back of my neck. Now it was coming up to a friends wedding and I was having trouble finding a dress I liked. Well I had a dream in and in the dream I was wearing a beautiful colourful dress and had a butterfly tattoo on the back of my neck. When I ended up finding a dress almost identical to the one in my dream by pure chance, I decided it was a sign to get the next tattoo done.

My final tattoo is one on my foot which says freedom. I had seen it a few times before but refused to get it as it held no meaning for me. Anyway I think it was probably two years later and my skin had begun to clear up, to the point where by if you looked at me you wouldn't know. Also my joints had been better and I had stopped picking up every bug going. Then I moved in to a flat on my own. So a tattoo saying freedom seemed the perfect thing to get.
I would love to get more tattoo's especially one for H, but I can't because now my skin is quite bad so it would just attack the tattoo I am lucky that the ones I have haven't really been affected.

A Little Light

Well Wednesday we went to see the neurosurgeon. I didn't hold out much hope. I was falling towards rock bottom at this point. I had had enough and trying to figure out a way round things was getting harder. A very kind person said that they would hope for me as I said I didn't have any left.

That's the amazing thing about blogging and forums, you talk to people and they support you, even though they don't know you. I write about my struggles and problems because this is MY blog to do with as I wish! Why should I just keep quiet to please one or two people. If I have a problem with someone I come straight out and say it. My blog has been about my struggles and has been a huge help to me. It has given me faith that there are some genuine people left in the world.

To my surprise the neuro surgeon was fantastic and understanding. She showed us the damage to two of my discs in my back. Then showed us how a normal disc should look. There is a big difference, considering how badly my mobility is at the moment she has decided to operate.

Yes I am scared and nervous about it but at the same time I am glad finally someone has decided to take some action! I know what the risks are but I feel they are worth taking. The gallbladder surgery will go on hold as this takes priority! It has also been classed as urgent which could still mean 8 weeks, I really hope not.

We do kind of have a back up plan of care thanks to strongman aka cheesy chips man. I am not going to let the cat out of the bag on that one just yet don't want to jinx it, but if it pulls off it means finally my luck has changed.

As for H wow. She has come on so much. She could already roll over on to her front and shuffle on her bum, now she can roll over the other way. We gave her some baby rice and she lapped it up! Hopefully she may go down a bit earlier tonight.

H has definitely been showing signs of teething as she had some bloody dribble and you can see the white of the gum, and a bit protruding out where the tooth is. Still she is a good baby all she wants is extra cuddles. Like father like daughter, she is rather laid back. We were up at the hospital for five hours on Wednesday as I had to go to pre-op. She was amazing, she kept quiet and when people came over to pull faces and chat to her she would chat back and laugh. One nurse said she thinks she will be forward when she's older. Another said she should be a model as she has the perfect baby face. I agreed... Not biased at all!!

We also discovered how H was managing to get to the top of the bed when our backs were turned. Its not quite crawling (she isn't even 5 months yet so I don't expect her to do it until she is ready!) What she does is uses her knees to push herself forward to get what she wants. She hasn't realised yet that if she used her arms as well she would make her life easier!

Because she will be five months this month and has been draining most of her bottles and looking for more, after seeking advice, and also realising we can't hold her off much longer we decided tonight to try her with some baby rice. She didn't spit it out, hardly made a mess (although she was trying to get her hands in the bowl!) and grabbed the spoon to give herself some more! I think we can call it a success. Its such a hard life being a baby and having your every need looked after lol!

The only thing I worry about with weaning her is her reflux. Is that going to cause problems and how are we going to get the gaviscon down her if it is! I think its a case of time will tell.

Oh and this morning I was woken up to a brilliant surprise. A beautiful delicate ring with 12 diamonds and 18 carat white gold eternity ring engrave with xx love you xx. Choked me up, as the hub has know how long I have wanted one, mainly because my wedding ring is giving me an allergic reaction at the moment and some days my rings fit and others not. So it seems like the start of a good weekend.

Trying to get round to planning a games night soon. Won't be a long one though as I haven't got the stamina and it all depends if  I can get down the stairs or not! I have a pain clinic assessment next week so hopefully they will sort some better medication for the back out so I can ditch the wheelchair!

I think I have rattled on enough for now so I'm going to go!

Decisions

Time seems to have gotten away from me yet again. So it has been a few days since I last posted!

H is teething so at night time she has to have cuddles to fall asleep. Today she took the dummy for all of five minutes before spitting it out and having a hissy fit because shes over tired. D after a few attempts with the roundabout right outside where we live managed to get her to the docs about her rash. They said thrush. I however am not convinced, but I am not a doctor so will wait and see if the cream helps.

D as ever has been an amazing supportive husband. We did have a good anniversary and he surprised me by bringing my home flowers and chocolates even though we had already exchanged presents. Got a fantastic card off my mum with two camper vans on, if you have seen our dinning room you would understand why this is so apt. We both have a bit of an obsession with camper vans!

But going back to the title the decision is do I stay in Plymouth or move back to Swindon where I have a support network who could help me with H during the day. Also there is a house opposite my mother that's for rent. Seems kind of ideal. Except for night time, that's when I need the most help when I have taken all the tablets of an evening its impossible for me to get to the bathroom on my own without falling down as has already been proven.

However, I don't want to leave Plymouth. Here with the cheaper rent we can save up for a deposit on a house. Here I am settled and the thought of moving again makes me shudder. Plus all my appointments are on the go here and I remember from when I first spoke to a GP over here you cant just transfer everything over.

I would probably have to start again. Meaning being at the bottom of the waiting list for having my gallbladder out, which also means re-qualifying for the psoriasis and psoratic arthritis drug.  Plus waiting longer for pain management. I don't want to be a weekend wife I remember how hard that was last time. I also remember how hard it was on D. We didn't have H in the equation then.

Personally I don't think it would benefit me or H to do that. So I guess you could say my minds already made up. But its not really, as I may have no choice. If I can't cope then I will have to go. I just feel that a week ago before I got this cold I was getting there, I felt able to do more things, unless we went out I didn't use the wheelchair. Even then depending on the length of the walk as long as I had something to lean on I didn't need it.

The reason for that is we seem to have found a balance as far as painkillers are concerned. Now I know that I can't stay on these for ever because of the risk of addiction and the fact that after a while they will eventually not work as well.

This is only supposed to be temporary though. I am seeing a neuro surgeon Wednesday and I am going to make a point of asking what can be done and asking if I need to get myself admitted in to hospital before they take action!

I also have an MRI of my hips again. Now when I see that idiot consultant again I am going to tell him if he doesn't know what it is to do a biopsy. After getting really upset and in a state earlier I have got my fight back.

I will see how our visit from the naval personal family service goes. Depending on that I will whilst D is here try to take care of H as if he isn't here so that I know if I can cope or not.

After getting off the phone to my mum and speaking to D and feeling like I had to move I decided stuff it. I told D to give me the bottle I would feed H. Not only did I do that but I gave her a top and tail bath, not that successful the madam managed to pee all over me and be sick three times. Meaning I had to re-wash her a lot. I then gave her a massage with lavender baby oil which she seemed to enjoy.

Then I put her to bed. Admittedly my back is hurting alot. But I would rather that than go to Swindon at the moment. My happiness is here. But I am just not sure if that's the right decision anymore. I guess the only way to figure this out is to try it in Plymouth for a while and if it doesnt work go back to Swindon. Yes I risk that house across the road being gone but after mulling it over and talking with D for hours this seems like the best way to do it so that I dont sit in Swindon a month or so down the line feeling better and thinking what if.

I think this is almost one of the hardest decisions for me to make, there are so many pros and cons for both.

The Good and The Bad

So for those who have been following my blog, you would know that I went to my Dad's caravan for a bit of a get away and a catch up. I really enjoyed it. Sadly though I had to cut it short. We were supposed to be there for nearly two weeks. Sadly I didn't even make it to a full week.

After a few days, which I have to say were fantastic. Me and the hubs got some quality time together, I felt well enough to do a little bit more for H. But sadly it would appear not staying in bed and going out or sitting down at a table, because trust me I didn't do much hoping not to have to go home early. But the weather finally set in to my bones and I didn't feel right.

Turns out I have a full blown cold, which has just sent my body completely crazy, I can hardly move and yesterday I was only awake for about 3 hours. I guess my body is trying to heal itself!

Well H has her first tooth coming through, can see it it's almost there. Luckily even if she needs more hugs at night, which I love who wouldn't, it doesn't seem to affect her too much. Apart from a horrid rash which we are getting checked at the docs today.

Also H is draining her 8oz and looking for more, so we are considering weaning her. I think we will ask for the doctors or health visitors advice. As they say to hold off until they are 6 months because their digestive system may not be ready and it can cause all sorts of problems for them later on in life.

H managed to get out of her routine on holiday but that's not to bad as she is slowly getting back in to the swing of things. I was sat watching her last night as she was chomping on her foot and wondered if she would still attempt it after her tooth comes through. If she does I don't think she will try again ha ha!!

On an even brighter note today is mine and the hubby's first wedding anniversary. Cannot believe its been a whole year, its flown. I know there will be many more happy years to come because in such a short space of time we have been through more than most couples go through in a life time, and are still managing to come out the other side loving one another more and more!

Well I am going to leave this post now to get some rest. Then hopefully once H goes to bed me and the hub can spend some quality time together!

Shared firsts- Day two of Holidays

Well not long after I finished writing my blog yesterday madam finally went to sleep and had to be woken up in the morning! She is currently in her cot sleepy but banging the sides as if in protest.  I think she is used to having her light system and mobile at home, her home comforts, but she will be asleep soon. Fingers crossed!

Today was a good day. Originally we were going to go to a swimming pool and then go to the beach. However, on the way there the traffic was manic. So we changed our mind and decided to go to Butlins instead, as whilst that may be busy as there is so much to do, you don’t tend to get caught in the crowds as much.

So off we trotted. Well me and H sat like ladies of leisure whilst D had the pleasure of pushing us about. We set off first for something to eat, because D isn’t a happy bunny if he is starving and made to go around too much.

After that we had a wonder around at the shops.  Managed to get a beautiful handmade wooden duck bedroom sign for H and they did the name in front of us. I then also seen a very pretty box with a picture of a ballerina on. So we got that as well! To be honest the stuff was beautifully made and cheap, makes a change!

Then as I have wanted to for ages. As H has had her jabs, it was time to…. Take her for her first swim! She was a bit dubious at first and the bottom lip had come out. I think that was more due to the temperature of the indoor swimming pool, I myself was surprised at how cool it was.

Anyway, within minutes she was smiling and laughing. The minx has also learnt that if she kicks her legs enough she can either splash you, or move about it a bit. I didn’t think we would be in the pool long as I thought H would get bored, I think we must have been in there an hour when she started to get fussy.

(It was nice it was a first that both me and my hubby got to share. Hopefully there will be many more that we can share and not miss out on due to ill health/ working. )

Next  we took her out and put her poncho towel on top of her and wrapped her tinker bell towel round the rest of her. I put her on the cot/ changing station in the changing rooms. By the time I was about to get her changed she was out for the count!

When we had to take her wet clothes off it woke her up and she wasn’t impressed at all! When we came out of the building we saw the clouds, heard a rumble of thunder and decided it may be time to call it a day! H fell asleep in the car.

As soon as we walked in to the awning the heavens opened! We managed to beat the weather by about a couple of seconds! H was asleep soundly for a couple of hours, waking in time for her bath and last bottle, for which she did have heavy eyes. Although I am not complaining she is quietly sucking her thumb and I think she will gradually settle herself.

Think we are in for bad weather the rest of the week, so we will have to find ways to amuse ourselves and not get under one another’s feet too much!

Goodbye Grandad

I'm sure at some point someone has lost someone they love. Here is my memories of my Grandad

I have a very vivid memory of things that happened when I was younger, it would seem my long term memory works a heck of a lot better than my short term memory.

My Grandad always used to make me laugh, may he rest in peace. He was Irish and was fond of the odd drink or two. Sometimes when he was drunk he would talk rubbish and tell us that he was speaking Gaelic. I don't really believe he ever was.

He had an armchair in the corner that none of us used to sit on. It was his. He would sit there watching the horses and waiting to see if he had won anything.

We used to have a golden retriever called Lady she was a soft touch. She loved going to my grandparents house, as soon as she knew that's where we were headed she would be tugging on the lead. Unlike when she knew we were going to the vets and she would lay in the middle of the road not budging until you promised to take her home!

So anyway Grandads favourite trick would be to call Lady over, he would feed her biscuits and then you always knew what was coming next 'fecking get down, fecking dog, hairs everywhere shoo away with ya!' But he would still keep teasing her with the biscuits.

Before we had Lady and when me and my brother were quite young I remember us going to some sort of farm, where we were going to have a picnic. So L, Mum,Dad,Grandma and Grandad and of course me were all sat at this table.

I remember this flock of geese coming from nowhere and surrounding the table. Well L jumped up and ran to the nearest tree house refusing point blank to come down until we were going home.
In the meantime my Grandad raises his walking stick and starts waving it in the air 'get away with ya' he felt I presume that they were given fair warning before he let his walking stick come down with a crashing blow on one of the geese.

I can never remember if that was the start or the end of the day, but I know we left that area pretty quick! The funniest thing was this one goose had followed L to the tree house and was waiting for him at the bottom. So when it was time to go he legged it to the car jumped on the car bonnet and refused to get off it until the car was unlocked. I'm not sure if he got bit by one but I am pretty sure he has a fear of geese now!!

Sadly my Grandad got dementia and it was sad to watch. You would go in and see him and this was a good few years since the dog had died, and he would ask where she was. I think the first few times we would explain to him what had happened. But seeing them grieve all over again just seems cruel so if memory serves me right after that we just used to say she was at home.

I will always regret not going to see him more often after I left Leicester, I had made plans with my friend to drive to Leicester in two weeks time, I was going to surprise them. The week before I was out with my friend waiting for my mum to come and join us for dinner at the pub when I got a phone call asking me to go home.

I knew there and then what had happened. It was a very difficult day his funeral, I did go and see his body, as I wanted to say goodbye. However, as the woman is leading us through. We are all assuming she will take us to a waiting room so we can go in one by one.

Nope she opens the door and without any warning there he is. When I looked at him I realised he had already gone. It wasn't him anymore, more like a wax work, without trying to sound disrespectful.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about that day. There had been a family feud, which I suppose is still going on and no-one really talks to anyone else. It was also the first time in many years that me and mum had seen L.

I got to place a rose with a message on top. I hope he got it. I believe that from time to time he comes and checks on me. I know he would approve of my Husband and I know if he had the chance to meet H he would have been besotted with her.

He was a funny man. Always telling stories, mainly the same ones. His favourite one being, you need to get that dog to the vet. Her nose is dry. I met a man in a pub once and he told me that if a dogs nose is dry it's ill.
Sleep tight Grandad, I'm sure we will meet again xxx

Holiday Night One

So we arrived safely in Skegness, I was glad the journey had ended. I think H and D were also relieved.

So everyone said their hellos and gave H cuddles and kisses. For the most part of the afternoon she was fine if not a little off colour but I suppose with her jabs that's to be expected. However, when A went to pick her up from her chair she started screaming and crying. There was no consoling her. It took me half an hour to calm her down.

I tried to give her calpol, admittedly she spat a fair bit back at me, can't blame her the bloody stuff is awful. Finally she settled a little and I managed to feed her a bit, she started falling asleep. Great I think only half an hour behind schedule.

The word jinx comes to mind, as well as minx. My back was spasming my legs were jerking out of control. I was ready  to cry. I was also worried that H was going to puke everywhere with the bouncing about. Nope seems she enjoyed that.

So after ten minutes of sleep the minx is wide awake again. In between trying to figure where we are going to fit the travel cot and making our bed up she is flitting from crying to laughing. Dribbling, pulling on her ears, biting at anything in site. Yup, definitely a teething baby.

So its 10 o'clock now we have put her in her travel cot, not that that's going to deter her from having a good night! She is happily squealing kicking her legs up and down in the air and moving about and punching her arms out.

So time to see if a warm bottle may make her sleepy. Although I will now be passing the reigns over to daddy as mummy needs to take her tablets. I'm beginning to wonder if doing this journey was the right thing to do.

I will give it a day or so and depending on how I feel, and how H is we may just have to cut it short. It seems to me the only thing that's helping with the spasming of arms and legs and persistent pain, is pretty much total bed rest. Which is completely gutting. I don't want to go home but fear if this carries on I will have no choice but to!

This can't go on. I won't be able to look after H on my own if this doesn't get sorted soon. Rather than getting upset about it. I'm starting to get really mad at the nhs at the fact that if you want something done quick you have to pay. Most of the time its an nhs doctor your paying, so in essence your jumping the queue, it would seem that if you have the money you get better treatment.