Sunday, 31 July 2011

My Guilty Pleasure - Retail Therapy

I have to say it. I must be a typical woman. When your down there is nothing better than a bit of retail therapy!! Especially when you get some bargains.

I had decided to make my way down the stairs. Whilst down there I knew I needed to get out of the house and it not be just for an appointment. So we decided to go to Tesco. D had a voucher for £5 off when you spent £50.

Well lets just say we definitely spent that. Originally I was just going to get a few books and a few more grows and vests in the next size up for H. Seriously though who can resist pretty dresses and dungarees when they are half price.

My husband seems to be a Jeans man. It always tickles me that whenever we go to a clothing shock in deep surprise he will say oh they stock my size. Every time, talk about gold fish memory. Well I did a deal if he wanted new jeans he could have them on the provision of chucking some of his old 8 yes 8 pairs away. Which reminds me I need to get him to actually chuck a pair away.

Hubby cracks me up if a top has a hole in he doesn't want it chucked because, well its a comfy top. If it has a stain on it.. He has a fair few of those then they are saved for decorating. Even though we have done all the decorating we intend to do before we move out. You see we are in married quarters and I would rather not spend a fortune on decorating it to have to put it back to square one in a year to 2 years!

Anyway, I am a pj girl at the moment. Considering I spend most of my time in my bedroom and when my skin is flared, they are the comfiest things to wear. So how could I resist when I saw some bright yellow sponge bob square pants pj's in the sale, in my size. That in my books is a sign. All my husband had to say on the matter was, they were that bright he would feel like the light was on even when he had turned it off humph!!

One thing that does annoy me though is how difficult it is to shop. I have to hold on to H in the wheel chair and D puts big bags for life on the back and fills them up, that's the only way we know how to do it at the moment. H loves it as she can see so much more than she can in her pushchair. But I do get annoyed when people come up and start touching her. I think its a bit rude!

So we left Tescos a lot lighter, with far to many clothes for H. And a few more clothes for ourselves. I don't know whether this would be seen as a good or bad thing but my hubby is better at picking clothes out for me than I am. But not always great at picking stuff out for himself!

So what do you do when your feeling down and want to cheer yourself up?

Friday, 29 July 2011

At Last!!

I think I may finally after all these month just possibly, hold my breath and cross my fingers be getting somewhere. After having to pay £250 for a 15 minute consultation (Thank you so so much dad!!) Which my husband worked out at roughly £17 a minute... Maybe I need to think about a new career ha ha!!

But getting back on to the subject yesterday was the day, again. I didn't want to call it d-day again in case of jinxing it to disaster day again. He took some notes did a through a examination and thankfully doesn't believe it to be MS... breath a sigh of relief.. possibly the first one in months!

He did admittedly get my back up when he tried pinning it on my arthritis and psoriasis..oh and lets not forget pregnancy... I thought here we bloody go again. But instead of keeping my mouth shut this time I piped up and asked him how would that cause the other symptoms I am having. At which point he shut up. Probably not the wisest move to insult or put a professor in his place, but I have got to the stage that I am sick of doctors with their god like arrogance.

So anyway he said that he wants to review my last MRI, because, wait for it... It could be to do with my slipped disc and the possibility of Avascular Necrosis as.. as I had said before, symptoms mirror and also refer to other places.. that's why its called referred pain! But he did say he also wants another MRI of my Neck, Brain (that should be an interesting one ha ha) and of my spine, to see if there are any changes. Then go from there.

I asked how much an MRI would cost and he was honest and told us to go through the nhs as it will be just as quick and will save us A LOT of money! Then my doctor rang to say that she had put through a referral for the pain management team (could be interesting as they aren't sure whats causing the problems and she doesn't think they will help) and was also going to send me to a spinal specialist.

Finally they seem to be sitting up and listening. But what I think is disgraceful is the fact they cant get me in to pain management until the middle of September and they only managed to get me in that early by saying back pain rather than general!

Ahh well, have to chase up my hip MRI, which if it still shows water on the bone means that its looking more and more likely that it is Avascular Necrosis, and if the idiot says hes still not sure as much as I don't want to I will be telling him to take a bloody biopsy. I don't particularly want to wait around to see if my hip collapses!! Gorden Bennett I need a bloody good holiday!!

So maybe just maybe, slowly but surely I am making progress. Today for the first time in a long time I have woken up with out my legs feeling completely weak and am able to use my zimmer rather than the wheel chair to get to the bathroom. Not going downstairs, don't want to spoil what is actually at the moment a good day pain wise.

My mum was telling me this morning that she thinks I have lost confidence and am not the person I was. I have to say I totally agree. There has been alot thrown at me this year. But step by step I am getting there. I WILL beat whatever this is. I WILL get better for my Husband and Daughter. I WILL be able to start living again not just existing! The last few days have also taught me that their are Doctors out there willing to listen and help!

I have had some cuddles with H put her on the bed and boom feet straight in mouth. Then looks at me cheekily with her cheeky laugh as if to say look at what I can do!

Thursday, 28 July 2011

The games that people play

It has taken me a few days to decide to post this , which is why I was quiet yesterday. However, after actions of others I no longer have any intentions of being careful what I put for fear of somebody misreading it. My thoughts on that are if you read it and think its something to do with you then you obviously have a guilty conscious.

I'm stuck with a bit of a dilemma. Someone who only knows half the story, but obviously thinks that they know it all is making a point.

I would love to tell this person, what has really been said and done. I would love for them to know the truth. I would love for them to see the texts of them being slagged off. However, I have so much on my plate I don't want or need the hassle. I have done my best to walk away from the two-faced conversations, I never say something behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their face. I would not stoop as low as this person has with the remarks that have been said.

So I think I will have to let it pass, and let someone I once trusted walk all over me for the first time, and trust me it will also be the last.

If they want to make judgements they should hear both sides, instead of snide snippy remarks, and stupid statuses/ tweets. I know I have been guilty in fighting back this way sometimes.

I think now is the time to stop playing games. If that person were to care enough, or to value a friendship enough, they would talk. Not play this silly game. I am sorry if I am not on the phone talking or texting 24/7 half of my day is spent sleeping the other trying to catch up on lost time with my husband and baby. I am sorry that I am ill and I have more important things going off in my life right now. My family comes first and people need to remember that.

I forget important things that are happening around me. That's what happens when I am stressed to the max. But if you gently remind me or nudge me I would still be there. But instead I get thrown to the side, so subtly you wouldn't know it had happened.

Maybe trying to still keep me sweet, keep me on side to get gossip or find some use from me. I am not a user and I don't like being used. Its only now, now that I am in a wheelchair struggling to get from one day to the next that I am starting to learn who my real friends are. Not as many as I thought that's for sure.
Alot of people want me to go home to swindon. But this is my home, with my husband and daughter and unless I have no choice I am going no where. Even if I don't have that much support here.

If people had a problem they should be as open as they claim to be and just come out with it. I'm tired I am not playing games, although I suppose this post could be seen as a game its not. Its a white flag. I give up with games.

I will rant if I want to rant and I do not appreciate being slagged off for it. WE ALL DO IT!

If no one ever ranted then how the hell did they get through life. Another trust has been broken, without them realising how much damage they are doing by playing this game. I have nothing to lose, they have everything to lose. Because in essence they are giving their trust to the enemy, but I think the lesson will have to be learnt the hard way.

Am I harsh in doing this? I don't think so. Either way its going to blow. I am far enough away from that situation and bloody glad to be out of it. They chose their side without getting both sides of the story. So now its my turn to back off. I wont enjoy watching it go wrong. I am not the sort of person who gets satisfaction from other peoples pain.

I have my family that's all I need.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Lil H's Scan

Well I went to the hospital worried, I really didn't think we would get her to sleep. As she only seems to take ten minute naps these days. Plus the past week it sounded like she hadn't really been napping. But then again I think she may have been getting spoilt with cuddles. Don't get me wrong yes she needs love and attention and cuddles, but you can't pick a baby up every time they make a noise otherwise they expect it. Babies are not stupid. Yes she needs interaction but not 24/7, people still need to be able to do the house work. But it would seem after our guests left, whether or not its because shes teething I really don't know. You can't put her down, as soon as you do she whinges.

Now if she was full on crying, needed her nappy changing, needed feeding then she lets you know if you see what I mean. Then she will really cry not just little moany whingey noises, or as has happened now fake coughing. We seem to be managing to get her back in to routine now, so hopefully it was just a phase. Lil madam will laugh as soon as you go in to see whats wrong which leads me to believe she's dipping her toe in the water so to speak to get attention.

It brings questions to the mind of controlled crying, or do you tend to them straight the way. I don't think there is a wrong or a right way of doing it, all babies are different. There is a huge difference between controlled crying and neglect. As I say though unless shes hungry or maybe under the weather it isn't really a cry.

Any way back to the hospital. I really was worried, because if she didn't sleep for the scan it would be more weeks of waiting and then the fact that she would have to have a general anesthetic. Which as I am sure most parents would agree I don't want for my baby.

So we were trying to feed her, she took two ounces and started crying and fussing. So not like her at all. I managed to calm her and passed her to her daddy, he managed to get another three ounces down her and some heavy eyes! So I took her back and had her resting on my chest gently stroking her hair and making low shh shushing sounds in her good ear.

She was out for the count I was so relieved, but still anxious, how long would we have to wait? How long would she stay asleep like this for? So when the nurse finally came out I managed to breath a little, but still not completely they still had to get her on to the bed for the ct scan.

As soon as she was took from my arms and placed on the bed she started crying. Because the beds a lot higher than the wheelchair I thought she had woken up and honestly my heart was breaking. The radiologists were fantastic stroking her hair and swaddling her.

Finally she seemed settled, it would seem she had cried out in her sleep, because they had to put her head in some sort of vice like thing to stop it from moving and they don't think she liked that. When they asked who wanted to stay in the room we agreed I would. I think D did this knowing how little I can do for her at the moment and how anxious I would be outside. I am grateful to him for that, because I can imagine it wasn't easy being the other side of the door waiting.

I honestly can't imagine how parents must feel when there children have to have operations, she was only having a scan and I was in pieces. But you see this scan could end up changing her whole life. If its positive it means one simple knock to the head and she will be completely deaf.

So now we have to sit and wait for an appointment for the results. I tell you if I see the same consultant I will be asking him what he meant when he said the next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. I will not take the blame for this. For a while I did. But I did everything I could to protect my baby. I took painkillers towards the end on both doctors and consultants orders, telling me that I would harm my baby more by not taking painkillers because I would be stressing the baby out.

H will grow up knowing no different. We will tell her how special she is. If the test comes back positive, which my gut is telling me it is. Then me and D will learn sign language and teach it to her from now. We will talk and sign so that if the worst was to ever happen, she will still be able to communicate.

So for now I will try not to worry I will watch over her as she sleeps and be prepared for whatever the answer is. Next big day coming up  is my private appointment with the professor in neurology. Lets hope we are one step closer to getting answers.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Missed First's

I have begun to realise that this blog has become not about, parenthood per say, or as much about our family life as what I first intended to.

It has mainly become about the roller coaster at the moment which is my life and my emotions. Some posts I don't even expect people to read, but I write them anyway because it is an outlet for me. Its somewhere for me to vent. Rather than at the poor husband ha ha!

Writing has always been something I enjoyed and until recently I didn't have the time to blog and I do hope that when I am better I will be that busy doing things and making up for lost time that it won't be everyday that I blog. Or even if I do that its a short one.

You see the reason I don't blog so much about mummy skills or doing things as a mummy is because on a bad day I will tell you I don't feel like much of a mum as I can't offer H much other than love and attention.
Not that H seems to mind. This last week has left me feeling a little unsure of my feelings. I am so happy that she is doing all these wonderful new things, but absolutely heartbroken that I am not the first one to see them.

My husband pointed out to me, that most of these new things she is doing he didn't see first either. But as I pointed out back to him- well hes the one that goes to work. That was always going to be the inevitable. For me however, I was supposed to be the main care giver. I always thought that I would be there for all of her firsts.

Though it would seem I am missing a few, now I know that its not like shes taken her first steps or crawled for the first time, but every new thing that she does amazes me and dazzles me and as her proud mummy I want to be the first to witness it all. Which I know sounds really selfish.

At this moment in time I guess I am sulking. I guess I am jealous of my friend. I don't like the fact that I am jealous of T after how much she has done and continues to do for me. I beginning to not like the depressed self pitying person that I can be some days.

I do on a normal day, like today, realise that its only normal that I am going to have days like this. So what if someone else gets to see her holding her feet in the air with her hands for the first time.

I will be around for a lot more firsts. Her first boyfriend (if her dad allows it!), her first day at school... bit out of order but you know what I mean.

So my aim now, is to get better, to get better to be there for all of her firsts. Then I can have mummy bragging rights!

Friday, 22 July 2011

Friday again

Well its Friday again. This week has flown by, mainly I think due to the fact that I missed two days sleeping. So today was time to say goodbye to T. I know it will be quite a while before I see her now and I am gutted, she is such a good friend and has always been there.

She has sorted out the house from us. Leaving it sparkling. Helped out by sorting our wadrobes out and helped me sort lil H's clothes. She really is a god send and has a heart of gold.

On a brighter note, me and the other half were ordering each others anniversary presents. Anyway one of mine and one of his turned up today so we were naughty and opened them. We are both like a pair of big kids and love giving one another gifts to see the others reaction.

When I was about to order hubbys gift I asked T if she thought ordering him a newspaper from the day he was born was more of a birthday gift. She agreed and said yes maybe look at doing something else... I said to her, we will probably end up getting one another the same gift!

Well turns out we nearly did if T hadn't have said it would be better for his birthday, as I now have a newspaper from the day I was born with a certificate to show its genuine. What I got the oh was a fake newspaper article, but it does look real. Saying how we had won couple of the year. Its an amusing piece that you stick your own picture in and was a bargain as it came framed and with a spare of the newspaper article.

We have both now said that the other stuff we are waiting on to be delievered we wont be giving one another as our anniversary isnt until the 8th of August. I am so chuffed with my purchases as I mainly managed to stick to paper and from what the hub has said so has he!

Another good thing was that I got my new glasses today so I can actually see for a change which makes me one happy bunny! Holly has now decided she is fasinated by her feet and tends to hold her legs up when T was changing her bum occasionally trying to give her toe a lil chew!!

And day 3 of the cream on my skin, also had a face mask first to get rid of some of the dead skin.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Catch up time!!

Well the last two days have been a bit of a blur.  Mainly spent sleeping, I think my body is trying to heal. Either that or I must be really low on Iron!! I mainly think its where the GP messed up my medication and my body is trying to get recovered from the shock of it all. So apologies for not being on. Think two days is the longest I have ever left it!

Yesterday was nice T and P took H out shopping with them, not before making sure I had plenty of drinks and snacks ha ha! Whilst they were out A popped over with a dvd for me to watch. Means I have something a bit different to watch. It was a flying visit but it was nice to catch up whilst both of us were baby free.

On a different note, I think my sena started working last night- note to self- you can not run with a zimmer frame. Its interesting to try though ha ha! Sorry if TMI!!

I still get a bit cross with the hub from time to time for not coming up as often. But he is getting better. However, his plan yesterday was to come up at 8 o'clock. His folks rang and he was chatting away so that went out the window. I suppose yesterday was what I might call a dark day. I was feeling down and miserable and just really teary. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that there is, just some days I find it alot harder than others to cope. I know my hospital appointment with the professor is only a week a way. However, that feels like a life time away. Monday we have H's CT scan, I don't know how this is going to work, if she doesn't sleep I am not sure if they will give her the general anaesthetic there and then or send us away for another appointment. I don't want to wait much longer to find out whether a bang to the head could leave her completely deaf. Plus I just don't know that I want my baby girl to go under general anaesthetic she's only 17 weeks old.

On the bright side H is coming along brilliantly. She is laughing and T has been teaching her to stick out her tongue and go phht! Then we realised that the little monkey has developed a 'fake cough'. When H feels we are not paying her enough attention because we are talking to one another and not her she used to shout. Now she does this fake little cough. I think she is turning out like her mother a stubborn monkey who knows what she wants!!

When T got back she came in to my room claiming that H had brought me a little something. Its a skin cream from lush that's supposed to help with Psoriasis and I must say after using it twice I can already see a difference, the white flakes have started to peel of leaving the red underneath.

Day 1 on the left                                         
Day 2 on the right. It looks redder I know, but the good thing is that the white flaky skin is coming off which means that its getting better, I am going to keep up with the cream. After years of steroid creams and prescription creams I have found something that seems to be working and isn't harmful! What do you think can you see the difference? Next time I do the pictures I think I will do it in the same lighting!! I also wish I'd took a picture before I even started using it.

The only thing I have found is it doesn't work under my boobs, if anything its made them more sore. I think they do need to be kept dry mainly with the odd bit of steroid cream. I have had such fun peeling the skin off my face and elbows... I know I'm not the only one who enjoys a good bit of peeling... only thing is I seem to lead a trail of skin where ever I go 'The high flake zone' my husband calls it.

I just say its a good job I'm not a criminal I would be leaving my DNA all over the place!!!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

GP = Mess up time and time again!

Well, I haven't had the best of experiences as far as NHS and GP's are concerned. The first time I saw (lets call her Dr X) she seemed dismissive. Everything as far as she was concerned was post natal. Bad back and sciatica, even migraines. There was just no hope. I was going back time after time, (think there's a song there ha ha) begging for some help and for something to be done.

The response you will just have to wait to see your Rheumatologist. My appointment was four months away. I asked if it could be put through urgently. Or could I see a Rheumatologist nurse? The answer no, because I was classed as a new rheumy patient after moving away from Plymouth and coming back, she also told me what I now Know to be a lie, four months is quick.

But yet a few weeks a go she confirmed for me that an urgent appointment was a month. Yet a non urgent should be three months, ergo I was far from urgent. My consultant was highly annoyed I hadn't been sent for an MRI because of the fact that the back and sciatica problems had been going on for more than 8 weeks.

So as you all know I got my MRI and results so wont get in to that again. I am now back to square one because no-one wants to do anything because they want the other person to sort out the other problem first. Talk about book passing so the only option really was to keep the pain levels under control.

One day when I couldn't get out of bed I asked for a home visit to be told that they don't do them unless your elderly. Apparently the disabled don't matter. Plus the only Dr you can see at that surgery if you are disabled is Dr X.  So anyway she phoned, told me my stomach ache that I was getting under my breast was probably just things going back to normal after the pregnancy. She's the Dr right I'm not going to disbelieve that.

Luckily it was my dermatologist nurse.. yes a person who deals with skin, who said he felt I needed to get an ultra sound as he felt I had gallstones. He also promised me if the Dr didn't organise one he would get it sorted. Lucky for me the Dr was off that day and it was a different Dr I saw who came to the same conclusion.

Whenever I have been in with a complaint, she has NEVER examined me. I then went in one day when my sciatica was particularly bad, different Dr she decided to prescribe me trammadol and also said that she felt it may be worth me going to a and e in case it was something more serious.

After saying this she hmms and ahhs and says do I want to go. Well not really. But if its serious and there is a possibility that it could lead to complications then yes I am prepared to go. My friend who is sat with me at this point says I think she should go because you think she has candine equine (sp?) which if I had I would need an operation straight away.

So she says Yes Yes you should defiantly go. However, if it isn't that you may get in to trouble for wasting their time. Erm hang on a minute- YOUR REFERRING ME?! So we get to a and e, and see that she has put on my notes that I demanded to go to a and e. Your having me on right? I hate hospitals I'd rather avoid them!!

So back to Dr X. I am told by her that she doesn't see the point in coming out she can prescribe me over the phone. I have been telling her every time I go how emotional I am and how down and depressed I am feeling. In the end I had to beg to go back on to anti depressants as I wasn't coping.

Then my husband comes home with the prescription's and she has given me a wrong dose. A low dose. So because I have to double up I end up running out early.

Then when I end up going in to tell her I have found a lump I want checking she doesn't allow me to talk before saying are the patches working lets reduce them down. Well to start with I am sat in a wheel chair when in the past I have been on crutches. No they are helping but I'm not pain free yet, can we try going up a level?

No lets not, lets not stick with something that's showing signs of progress lets take  you off that and put you on another for of patch. She tells me its still an opium drug but shes not sure of dose conversion so puts me on the lowest form.

I am then having a conversation with a nurse and she says the dose I have been give isn't even at a pain killer level. Its actually for when your jumping from like a 50-70 so you don't jump to high to quickly.

This is after I am starting to feel like I've been hit by a truck. My back and hips are getting worse. My gallbladder is starting to play me up, my joints are the worst they have ever been. I struggle get up the stairs with help from T and D. I get in to my wheelchair.

I need the toilet I can barely stand before my legs start moving in different directions. I have no control over them and then my arms are going, cue crying snot monster. I cant do this I cant cope. I am in more pain than when I was in labour, as I didn't cry or scream then. I'm doing both now. I am shivering feeling violently sick. Its possible I am having withdrawals as I haven't been put on the same type of patch.

I call the doctor out, originally until I break down as the pain is too much he isn't going to do anything. Finally someone comes out gives me pain relief in injection form as well and an anti inflamatory injection as I cant take that orally. As well as anti sickness, after he is gone I take the rest of my medication and have a blissful sleep. I have slept pretty much all of today.

So I rang the doctors to find out about my referral letter for private consultant. Surprise surprise they have messed that up, I was told I could collect it by the doctor but the secretary tells me I shouldn't have been told that as that's not supposed to happen they send it straight to the private hospital. Good job I hadn't chosen Bupa!!

Then I tell them that the doctor must ring me as I need to go back on the previous medication as obviously I cant keep calling out the doctor! She says she will write a prescription out and gets the incorrect dosage amount. Seems pretty incompetent especially as I had to point out to her that I was on 52.5mcg not 35mcg she says she never prescribed it. I tell her to check the system. She does and shuts up.

So the conclusion I have come to is to change GP. Also don't trust the buggers. I just wanted to share my experience and see if anyone else has had a despairing experience with their doctors? Does it ever end?

Monday, 18 July 2011

I Am What I Am

Before I start I want to point out this post isn't intended to sound depressing. Its just some reflecting that I have done over the last few weeks. And after a conversation yesterday made me decide to lay the cards on the table so to speak.

I am what I am. Those who know me will know this. I don't pretend to be someone I am not, and I don't take kindly to those who do. I give my trust far to easily and normally end up being the one that gets hurt.
Sometimes people see my skin and not me. Sometimes people don't notice it because they have bothered to get to know me. My skin is just that. It isn't anything to do with who I am as a person and I refuse to let it rule my life.

I don't lie unless it is a white lie to save someones feelings and I hate people who compulsively lie. Who worm their way in and eventually try to destroy something good that you once had.

I am blunt, I tell it how it is. It often gets me in to trouble. But that is who I am and why should I try to be any different just to please a few?

The thing is you will never please everyone. There is no point trying to. So now I please myself and my family. My family comes first. My husband and daughter are my world. I will fight tooth and nail for them. I will always do the best I can by them.

If you hurt me once I normally (and stupidly) give people a second chance. Whats the saying you fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I have a saying that springs to mind whilst writing this post and that is everyone is like and elastic band and we all have different snapping points.

I beat myself up when a friend betrays me. I ask myself over and over again why didn't I see the warning signs before? What have I done to deserve this? Am I a bad person? But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I said to my mum yesterday, that's it there is no point trusting anyone anymore, its me that ends up hurt.

As my mum pointed out you cant live like that. Because then you don't know what friendships you may miss out on. I have some friends from Swindon still who I know I can rely on at any time and they have been there through the ups and the downs.

One of my closest friends T, who I refer to as big sis has used most of her holiday to come down and help me out. She wont brag about it that's not who she is, she is doing a kind turn. I will never be able to thank her enough and I don't think she knows what she means to me.

Yet others have done things in the past which has meant that I have overlooked the bad things that they have said and done thinking they are a good person. Until I realised that actually these people they do it to make themselves look good. Instead of keeping quiet they will brag about it. Not only will they do that but then they throw it in your face.

I am like my mum in the sense that I don't like to be indebted to anyone. It causes to much hassle, but sometimes you have no choice.

I like to have a laugh and a joke. I like to read. I over analysis far too much, which sometimes is a good thing but at other times is a bad thing. I have far too much time on my hands at the moment and over think things way to much. I guess what I am saying is I can be a bit like marmite you either love me or you hate me.
The way I have come to think now, a leopard doesn't change its spots. No more second chances. I am not a doormat and I wont be treated the same way I have been in the past. I may say that I don't care what people say about me, but deep down it does matter. No-one likes to be disliked. No-one likes to be slagged off.

Sometimes when I am in agony I put on a brave face shrug my shoulders and act like every things ok. Those that aren't that close to me wont see it. But those that are lucky enough to be close to me can read me like a book, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, apart from when I am in pain. I don't like to bring other people down its not fair on them.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that no-one is perfect. Not everyone is going to like you. Don't act anything other than yourself. Because it will all come out eventually and can backfire on you big time.
Be who you are, and be it proudly. Everyone is stronger than they think they are. I have had people say to me before I wouldn't cope if I was in your shoes. My reply you would because you have to. No matter how hard it may be to do things you do them because you want the best for your loved ones, and that doesn't mean taking the easy way out. If people don't like it they know where the door is.

Don't let anyone convince you that your not good enough. That your not strong. That your not beautiful because everyone in some way is. I know this post is a bit strange but its something I wanted to say, as I know so many people who have been knocked down and let other people take something away from them i.e. their self esteem and its a long battle to get it back.

So I guess in all my rambling what I am trying to say is be who you are NEVER pretend, don't play games and get caught up in bitching, don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face, because in the end you will get caught out, I have caught out so many people. I even caught someone out with my baby monitor slagging me off in my house. Be yourself and be happy that you are who you are and remember people are LUCKY if they get to be a part of your life.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

The Hubster And Shopping

My Husband has been trained well ha ha. Well at least I have tried to train him in budget shopping. There are certain things though that I cant stand the cheap versions of and that's sweet corn and peas. I also don't like cheap bread, to me it tastes different. That's mainly since I was pregnant though, because even the smell of bread made me heave.

Many a time my husband would come home and ask where the bread was, to which my reply was in the bin. You see he had a habit of keeping it in the fridge which stunk the fridge out and made me loose my appetite.
As my regular blog readers will know I can't get about so I do the main shop online. Then if we run out of anything things like milk and bread (Its always milk and bread)  I send the hubby out to the shops.

I will always say to him, do you want me to write you a list? You see I know what he is like! He always forgets at least one thing. I tell you his memory is shocking especially when he is stressed, and at this moment in time our life is quite stressful.

So the other morning, I sent him out to get my prescription, as we had forgotten to get it on the Friday. I was panicking because even though I had seen posters in the surgery advertising Saturday appointments, I wasn't confident that it would be open.

So off he goes. I nod off and wake up about an hour or so later. He isn't home yet so I am quietly confident that doctors were open and its taking him so long to wait for the prescription. I knew he had said he would get some bread and milk (again) and a few other bits and bobs as T and P are down next week to look after me and H.

So anyway I hear the front door open 'Honey I'm hooomee!' he yells and then comes bounding up the stairs like an excited little school boy about to show his mummy his latest drawing!
I couldn't quite figure out why he had brought the shopping upstairs. Then he starts getting all excited and gabbering away 'I hope you don't mind.. but look what I got.'. he the proceeds to pull out a variety of clothes for H in the next size up. Of course I don't mind him getting her stuff, in actually fact I think its really sweet.

He then goes on to say... yes this phrase has come back and bit me in the arse... look how much money I saved us because it was in the sale. I laughed and said yes you did save money because I suppose it is needed, but that's the only way you save.

Then he goes oh and just in case you were mad at me for getting some bits.. I got you some more nighties, as
I know you like your PJ's and nighties (mainly because that's the most comfy thing to wear with my skin at the moment).

Guess what folks he came back without half of the stuff he was meant to get. Including no prescription !(docs wasn't open). Still managed to spend enough for 5p off fuel. I'm telling you that's some expensive bread and milk. Mind you not as expensive as the lamb chops we brought. When I was about 8 months pregnant and we still had the Mazda we knew we had to get rid. Anyway this one day I was craving lamb chops on the way to the shops we went past a car garage and I told D to turn in to see how much we would get for a part exchange. We ended up leaving with a brand new car and no lamb chops!!

Now before I tell you about his next purchase I have to explain something. The first new years eve we were together we were at his parents and were about to go to London for it. It was bitter cold and we were looking for hats to wear. He then comes out with a flat cap. Me, A and N were all laughing. I suppose when he hasn't shaved he looks pretty good in one. Still it reminds me of an old man.

He then for months afterwards is sulking because he can't find one to buy. So imagine my delight when in December before Christmas I found one. So he gets his beloved hat Christmas day and I swear for about a week the only time he didn't wear it was he had a shower!

Then T and P came down just before H was born. When T left she picked up the coats hanging on the banister. They go home. A few hours later I get a phone call of T 'Er I picked up D's flat cap by accident' laughing I say 'thats fine!'

D whilst I'm still on the phone comes in looking a bit upset.. Where's my flat cap babe? So I tell him whats happened. He seemed to go a bit pale. Tears seemed to be filling her eyes, as he knew it was going to be a while before we would go to Swindon and before they would come here. Tell her to post it back! He yells. I'm not impressed I love that hat and its the right weather to wear it in!!

T laughingly refused to post it and told him he would just have to wait. I think it was about 4 months before he got the hat back and I swear I saw him kiss it and caress it telling it he would never let it out of his sight again.

His cousin told me not to worry its just his Yorkshire genes coming out and if he ever asks for whippets its a no no!! So going back to the shopping, out the bag he pulls out a pink flat cap designed for babies. I didn't even know they did flat caps for kids let alone babies. But somehow my hubby managed to grab one and bag a bargain in the process ( I reckon its because they weren't selling ha ha!)

He's took his obsession to a whole new level. Now he is determined to get her an outfit that matches, even though the hat is a little big for her. H however, seems to like the hat and I have to admit it doesn't look that bad on what do you think?

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Pet Peeves

Anyway last night was a pretty bad night, every time I had to get up to pee, which is often, poor hubby, I was in tears. Just standing up took such a huge effort, sitting down the same again. My legs were that weak I couldn't lift the wheelchair foot thingy ma bobs up.

Thankfully though I have an amazing husband who makes me laugh. We were sat having a cigarette last night and started talking about how would a mum who's in a wheelchair with a baby do things like go out to shop? I know there's online shopping but its not the same!

Then somehow we came on to the conversation of pet hates. Now as I said to D one of my biggest pet hates, and this will sound strange, is that we have to pay for sanitary towels or tampons. What do blokes have to pay for?! Its just not on.

The hub then had me cracking up saying about razors and how it always annoys him when he sees an advert basically saying 'look at our new razor, our old one is crap you must rush out and buy the new one NOW!' Well his argument to that is, why do they make crap products in the first place!

Also the hubby has a huge thing about the blame society, the society of suing. Now I can kind of see his point. Especially with things like whiplash. There really is no way to medically prove that the victim did suffer whiplash. As I pointed out to him yes accidents do happen, but when they shouldn't have because there was an easy way to resolve it and it potentially causes life long problems for the person, then why shouldn't they sue?

I have to admit though, when watching Super Size Me I was gobsmacked at the two girls trying to sue McDonald's for them being overweight. That's ridiculous, its not like anyone forced them in there at gun point and made them eat it. Thankfully it got thrown out. The only reason it got thrown out? Was because they couldn't prove it was the McDonald's food that made them fat. Hang on a minute what about free will? It was there choice to go in there and eat it. If they cant eat properly its not really the companies fault.

 Then there is the other time that the McDonald's got sued which astounded me that it won. Basically someone went in to McDonald's and ordered a coffee then spilt it over themselves. They then took the case to court as there was no warning label on the cup. HELLO! Whats wrong with these people? Coffee is hot, it is made from boiling water, what do you expect?! So now when you next have a cup of coffee in there and see caution hot, you will know how that came about.

Then another favourite case of mine. Cruise control, everyone who drives will know that basically it keeps speed constant. You still have to steer. Also watch the road in case you need to brake. So anyway some chappy gets his new car with cruise control. Puts it on and then climbs in to the back of the car. Yup you guessed it, he crashed. But his case won because nowhere in the manual did it say that you had to steer!

Also another peeve, magazines. I love picking up a magazine with true life stories. You know what gets me? When you have paid about £1 for a nice big magazine, bit of trashy reading time and BAM. Adverts pretty much every blinking page! Now I know they have to make a profit, but I would rather pay a bit more to not have adverts thrown in my face constantly. Its bad enough on TV where the adverts seem to happen every five minutes and is it just me or have the adverts got longer and the programmes shorter???

Well that's my ramblings for tonight, I've probably bored you all to sleep. Do you have a pet peeve? If so drop me a comment I would love to know what it is!

Friday, 15 July 2011

My little adventure

Before I start today's post I just want to give you a link to my guest blog that was kindly posted today its called The Luck Gene

Well as my regular readers probably know, most days I am pretty much bed bound. The only time in the last 2 months that I have been out the house is to doctors appointments or hospital appointments. The hubby had decided that this just wouldn't do and I needed to get out. Even if it was just to Tesco.

The past few days had been particularly painful so I have pretty much been taking my painkillers and sleeping all day. Today the pain level  was more tolerable. So I suggested timidly that maybe a trip in to Drakes Circus in town may be in order for the day.

Now that's a task and a half. I have to balance Holly on my knee whilst Dave obviously pushes us. What you don't think about is how the hell are you supposed to shop?! Its fun, especially when we saw a bigger bath for H as her one is just too small for her now. So I had that balanced on the arm of the chair with my other arm firmly round H. That meant a trip back to the car before starting again.

I have to admit both me and D are shocked. We spent a fair bit, and none of it on us! We got H a lot of clothes in the next size up because there are sales on! Anyway as we were queuing in Superdrug I got a bit off a whiff in my nostrils... Oh O time to change H.

So the other half suggests going to Cafe Nero. He gets the drinks tries to pay by card but their machines are down which means he will have to go get cash. More importantly he needs to change H first. He trots upstairs to the toilets and tells me theres no baby changing bit. I said to him try the back of the store pretty sure they have a toilet which is also a changing station. Nope Mr B knows best. Off he trots.

He comes back the waitress pops over to our table and I ask is there any disabled toilets.. guess what folks Mrs B was right! At the back of the cafe.. and in there.. hey presto one changing station. One flushed Mr B. We go back to the table and D goes to get his drink. The woman on the table is chatting away. I am feeling awkward, but H attracts them all in.

She continues to chat and I don't want to be rude but I really have to get my phone out my pocket at this point which would mean turning away. However, H sorted that problem out. The next time the woman looked at her bottom lip came out and the uuuuu sound..

D comes and sits back at the table and we are chatting away. Then once again D my knight in shinning armour comes to my rescue, when out of nowhere this massive and I mean massive burp escapes without me realising. OH MY GOD! I just want the floor to open up and swallow me. D in the mean time turns to H 'good girl H, such a good girl, that was a nice big burp'.

Who said babies weren't good for anything? ha ha! H just smiled almost like she was in on the joke. Apart from the odd nearly crashing me in to shop displays, good steering there hub! It was a nice day. It made a nice change to get out.

I also thought oh whilst I am out I will get my eyes tested. I explain about the odd double vision and the odd bout of blurring in one eye. After she had finished examining my eyes and telling me my prescription had changed quite dramatically she said it didn't account for the double vision or blurriness as it wasn't happening all the time and wasn't accompanied by the migraines. She asked me if I had been referred to a Neurologist because if not she wanted to refer me. So looks like my option was a damn sight better than my GP!!

So I picked up some different frames two different pairs who can resist a BOGOF, I was even more impressed when it turned out that even with the cost of the eye test it cost me less than £100 I will be sticking to speck savers in the future!

Oh I lied when I said I didn't get anything, obviously I have my glasses which hub will be picking up Friday. Also he brought me some lovely sunflowers. What a darling. Even if I did have to excessively hint. *cough cough* them flowers are beautiful, would really cheer up the bedroom, seems as you killed my purple plant *cough*

On the way home it was a case of oh bugger. Guess what we didn't do. We didn't pick up my prescription I am pretty sure the docs is open on a Saturday I bloody hope so.

I did notice a lot of people staring. And for once I was unsure why, was it the psoriasis the wheelchair or the baby! But I didn't care because H was giving me beaming smiles as well as charming the passers by. Seems that having a baby is a great ice breaker!! I'm glad I went in to town. I was nervous as hell but didn't want to become institutionalized. I am shattered now and could sleep for a week. But I did it. Admittedly will be a while before I do it again so online shopping watch out.. I just will try not to make the same mistakes ha ha!

Thursday, 14 July 2011

A Better Day

OK so I will admit I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Snappy, irritable and ready to bite someones head off at any given opportunity. Sadly my husband seems to manage this very easily.

Anyway today I was waiting for a phone call from the doctor. They refuse to do home visits unless you are elderly. Doesn't seem to matter that I am disabled and some days bed bound. Meaning my blood tests I was supposed to have never happened.

So when she rang I asked about a referral to a private hospital and straight away she agreed that may be wise because of the waiting lists, although I wonder if that's because she thinks she wont have to put up with me!! So anyway she was asking for a list of symptoms. After everyone she was saying is that it? Erm nope theres a BIG list of them.

I mentioned that a friends of mine has ms (bit of a fib, but its been playing on my mind) and has said that my symptoms are similar to some of hers. At that the GP paused and then agreed that, with how fast things were deteriorating she felt that I was in need of a brain MRI to see if there is any nerve damage as she believes that my problems are definitely do to with nerves.

However, she warned me that she is unable to order this test. Apparently there are strict rules and because of what the orthopaedic surgeon said she can't really go against that. But if I see a neurologist privately and he suggests an MRI and we can't afford it privately the NHS will have to listen and take his advice as if they don't they could be liable for a law suit.

I have an appointment on the 28th its two weeks away. Bit of a pain was hoping to get in next week, but two weeks is a damn sight better than two months. It really frustrates me that I have to pay privately before anyone will take me seriously! Also the fact that these consultants are on the NHS normally. I am seeing a professor the best of the best hey?!

The doctor also suggested increasing my anti-depressants, which i agreed to. Then she asked for a list of the things I am running low on. Seriously its like a pharmacy in my room at the moment! I try not to take them during the day as I don't want to end up addicted to them. Sadly though the pain has reached a level whereby this is no longer possible.

So this afternoon was the appointment with the surgeon. After my GP had turned around and told me that she didn't feel that my gallstones were big enough to be a problem and that she felt that they wouldn't remove my gallbladder even though I need it out to start on my medication for my skin and joints. I was ready for a fight.

That readiness for a fight increased when the wait jumped from 30mins to 1hr to 2hrs we were the last to be seen. He simply walked in sat down, asked me what medication it is they want to start me on, which requires the gallbladder being removed. The fight went out me like a whoosh of air. He had read my notes! Good sign. He seems to be on my side.

He wasted no time in telling me that he would recommend the surgery be done by himself, the waiting list is 4 months however, they often have cancellations, that no-one wants to take would I want one of those at short notice? HELL YES!! Get me in! Whip the bloody thing out. I don't want it or need it. I want to be in and out and then I am one problem down only half a dozen left ha ha!

So this has left me feeling more positive. Not all doctors have their heads up their arses and no bed side manner, some are nice. He explained the possible complications gave me a leaflet and for the first time in a long time I left feeling reassured.

Don't get me wrong I am still nervous about having an operation especially since when my tonsils were taken out I woke up on the operating table.. another story for another day..

Oh and H was amazing she was quiet and used her whisper voice to chat in the waiting room she didn't whinge or cry. Until the nurses tried talking to her seems she has something against them. Bottom lip comes out starts to tremble proper baby tears and everything. My theory is she associates them with her jabs I don't know or maybe its something about the uniform. Just coincidentally that the past two nurses when they tried talking to her made her cry! Shes not a baby who makes strange with new people. She normally doesn't care as long as you feed her and cuddle her, oh and lets not forget continuous singing of row row row your boat. If you sing it about 20x you get a laugh!

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

D-Day = Disaster day.

We went to the hospital today as explained in my earlier post d-day. We were full of hope that finally we would have some answers and I could begin to get on the road to recovery.

When we first got there we were led into a room with an assessment couch. H was being as good as gold and being her flirty little self! I was asked to get on to the couch where he could then asses my mobility. With much difficulty I got out of the chair and on to the couch.

The last few days have been particularly bad to the point where even with my walking frame last night, my legs gave way and I ended up in a heap on the floor.

So he pulled and twisted, and I felt like I was being torn from limb to limb crying and telling him yes that does blinking hurt! But he would repeat it more than worse leaving me in tears and biting back from screaming. After doing his examination he got me to sit on the couch and tested my reflexes, which as I have been told before are a bit weakened.

He then when down the line of questioning saying have I lost control of my bowel or bladder. Did I have any numbness.. No... Been down this road before.

So he asks me to stand up. Bare in mind I can hardly stand and I am wobbling even holding on to my chair and the bed he then asks me to stand on tip toes. Nope not going to happen. So he tells me to sit down.

Good bloody job really. I'm sat fighting back the tears because the pain he has just put me through, I know for a fact is going to set me back by days. He then turns around and says he doesn't believe its my hip that's the problem but my back. The reason for this is because my right hip is hurting and  nothing showed on the right hand side just the left.

So he says it may not be Avascular Necrosis, water on or in the bone, cant remember which apparently can be caused by a few things. So he suggests pain management and physiotherapy. Even after saying he DOESN'T think that what the MRI showed on my back should be causing this many problems as it wasn't seen to be pressing on the nerves.

I explained to him that I have gone from only having to use crutches on a bad day, to having to use a walking frame everyday. To now not being able to walk even to the toilet and having to use a wheel chair. That my legs and arms shake and spasm like mad and I cant control them when they are like that. That the back pain has worsened as well as the feeling of weakness in my legs. Could it be the disk has slipped further and is now affecting the nerves.

Oh well we use surgery on the back as a last resort. HELLO WHO MENTIONED WANTING SURGERY?! I JUST WANT ANSWERS! But his response was that even though I have deteriorated and am thoroughly depressed and struggle to manage with H and the hub cant keep taking time off work. Well I the only way to tell if the disk has slipped further is an MRI, I don't believe I can justify that. If you cant cope then you should phone social services.

Good job I'm depressed and stuck in a wheel chair because I would have bloody thumped the stupid idiot. After saying he didn't think it was avascular necrosis, he then contradicts himself. Well it very well could be the beginnings of it, it does look like it. I will order another MRI for your hips for a few months time and then come back and see me in 3 months so we can see if we think it is that!

Well it either is or it isn't. By this point I needed to get out of there. So I asked the other half for my handbag. I turned to him and said I want a second opinion from a neuro surgeon someone who deals with backs and nerves. Oh well you are entitled to that of course but don't expect to get a different answer. I doubt he will send you for another MRI but if he does that's his choice. Make your bloody mind up!!

So I left the hospital a crying snot monster. Took some painkillers and managed to sleep for 3 hours. I am awake again now and things look bleak. We had rung the GP to get them out but was told they only do visits for the elderly. Talk about ageist! What about the disabled?? I cant get to the toilet let alone down the stairs. So then the story was changed to that she isn't in today when I was told by Dr herself that the only day she had off was Friday.

I am supposed to have fasting bloods and an appointment at the docs but I know I wont make it. I have an appointment to see the gallbladder surgeon tomorrow, and I will be saving my energy for that.

I think when the doctor comes out I will have to get my anti depressants increased. I have lost the fight in me. I have got to the stage where if it wasn't for H and D I would just want to go sleep and not wake up. I don't see the point in fighting anymore. The book keeps getting passed around and I am left with no answers. No one seems to care that I have a young baby that I cant pick up because of this. That I am stuck in a bed and have to use a wheel chair.

I cant stop sobbing I really thought that today I would finally get some answers that today was the day that I would finally move forward. How very wrong. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I cant find a way to climb back up.

The only option I see left is to either get myself admitted in to hospital to get things moving faster. Or pay for a private consultation, but what use is that if they can't get the notes or results of my MRI not sure how it works. Guess I will have to ask doc tomorrow. I know she is reluctant to allow me to continue on my pain meds, but even they only just keep it at bay so how the hell am I supposed to cope if they take them away.

Here's the list of problems:
Uncontrollable leg shaking (sometimes in both legs, mainly when standing)
Uncontrollable shaking in the arm
Hot flushes
Blurred vision in one eye
Double vision
Tingling in arms which leads to pins and needles and eventual numbness in hands
Vibrating sensation in my spine, legs and feet
Constantly tired and fatigued
Spine and Neck spasms
Never feel like my bladder is completely empty
Some days cant lift my feet up leaving me unable to walk
Weakness from thigh down
Bleeding from my bum
Stomach ache separate from gallstones
Persistent back ache, which only eases when laying down
Pain deep in buttock
Cant sit for longer than 15 minutes
Cant stand for longer than 3-4 minutes...
Cramps in front and back of legs

I don't think I have left anything out. There is no point in telling me to keep my chin up. Its easier said than done. This has got out of control. I feel like no one is listening, almost as if they think I am just a hypochondriac I'm not I would much rather be playing with my baby girl. Going for walks with her and my husband. Being able to live a normal family life. Instead I am left like this. What the hell am I supposed to do. Where am I going to find the courage to continue to fight this? Should I just give up and accept my fate that I may possibly be able to walk properly again?

Why should I do physio and pain management when they don't know what the problem is? Surely physio will make things worse just as it did last time. I know physio hurts for a while whilst doing it. But surely it isn't supposed to deteriorate your condition? That's what happened. Why should I have any faith left? If someone could please just give me an answer..

My dad has offered to kindly pay for a private consultant appointment. But if its anything like the nhs will anything get done?


Well today is the day. It has been such a long time coming! And a rather stressful one at that. For those of you who are newly reading the blog I have what they believe to be avascular necrosis of the hip (which is where the bone in the hip dies).

So today is the day where I finally get to see the surgeon. Like I say it has been a long time coming and a very stressful time for all of us living in the household. Apart from lil H, she don't give a monkey's. Shes always smiling and laughing.

My husband goes around like nothing phases him like hes not worried. But I know differently. How do I know? Well if you refer to my sleep talking/walking post you will understand that when he is stressed he either goes walk abouts or starts talking.

The beginning of this week all I could talk about was THE appointment. So one night after talking about we go to bed and to sleep. I feel better for talking about it and think the hub feels better too. Best to get it off your chest right?

*Insert buzzer sound here* WRONG. 7am in the morning I get shook awake.
D: Sh~t its Easter
Me: No its not
D: Yes it is
Me: No its not remember the presents your mum and dad and my mum got H.
D: Your just lying to me because you don't want to get me an egg. Its soooo not fair (mumbles)

I turn around to give him the look of death to find out ladies and gents that the husband is yet again talking in his sleep. When he woke up I told him what he had said and he laughingly turned to me and said 'dunno how that happened I was dreaming of Santa clause, the Easter bunny must have come along'. I didn't ask anymore, I didn't think I wanted to know ha ha.

So anyway I have my questions ready and I will be back on later, if its not to bad and I'm not a crying snot monster with the results.

Not to happy already though as I know tomorrow I have the doctors and I have to have fasting bloods as they want to check me (again) for diabetes. So watch out world, until I get my grub I will be a miserable cow! Also I have another appointment with a different surgeon about having my gallbladder removed, I feel like I may have a fight on my hands, will explain in my gallbladder surgeon post!

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Friendship Disasters

Did you know that a friend can break your heart? I didn't until a few years ago. You see my problem back then that I was far too trusting and gave too many chances.

Anyway I was young and pretty naive. I had fallen in love for the first time and couldnt see the guy for what he was. I would get dumped and then we would be seeing one another again and couldnt tell anyone. Looking back now I wonder why the hell I stood for it. The person I am today wouldnt take that crap.
I suppose as they say love is blind. Anyway this guy ended up sleeping with a so called mate. To be honest I wasnt that gutted she was more of an aquaintance than an actual friend. The fact that she had had chlamidia more times than I had hot meals and her goal was to sleep with 40 men before she was 18 kind of spoke volumes. They deserved one another.

Still feeling pretty heartbroken and probably still a little in love with this guy. I turned to my best friend at the time for guidance and support. Then she broke the golden rule of friendship. At the time I was living with my ex- not as in me and him together but in the same house separate rooms with another lady C. She was ace and Im sorry I ever lost contact with her.

Well by this time me and the ex were kind of mates, we would still have massive rows at the pub we worked in and all the regulars thought it better than big brother. So back to the story. We had all decided to go on a night out. I think it might have been St.Patricks day.

Anyway the so called bf spent the whole night flirting with him, so enough being enough I said I want to go home. You go I will stay with the ex. Stay with the ex she did. Then she did worse than that, she spent the night in his room, she denied anything was happening. Funny how all I could hear was the headboard.

I wasnt very happy to say the least but she was my bf, and had promised nothing had happened. I soon moved out and into a flat with a workmate. I get a text from the ex asking if him and the bf can come round. Erm nope. I already know whats going on as the regulars and even my boss had warned me.
My so called bf had broken the cardinal sin of friendship and was going out with whom at the time I felt was the love of my life. We didnt speak for a year. Then we started talking again. By this time she had moved away from Swindon, and confessed to me afterwards that she didnt see the point in staying as she didnt really have any friends there.

Her and the ex had broke up and I think they had lasted almost a year? But she got bored of him and threw him away like an old toy. I did kind of feel sorry for him. You see he was pretty messed up in the head.
So with all that in the past she used to come to Swindon on her time off and stay in the flat and we would go out. I will give credit where credits due she was always at the end of the phone and always a good mate.
I met the other half and I have to admit I was very reluctant to introduce them. But knew at some stage I would. So with alot of reluctance I introduced them. As I was introducing them it hit me I had nothing to worry about, the oh was nothing like the ex and would never do what they did.

They got along fine and the bf made a joke about how I was safe because he wasnt her type anyway! What kind of a comments that?! She obviously felt she was better than me. Anyway she would often come round when he was there and was extremly excited about the wedding.

She helped me pack up my flat and waved me off. When the oh was deployed for the first time, once again credit where its due, she had just passed her driving test and just got a car. She hopped in it and drove the four hours to comfort me. But also to introduce her new boyfriend.

He seemed alright and kept saying to her I'd marry you tomorrow. They had been going out for about a month if that. But if she was happy, I was hardly one to talk. Anyway they were a good source of comfort those few days.

Leading up to the wedding she came down. Made comments about a few things that narked me but I didnt say anything didnt want to row. We went out dress shopping for me and then looked for a dress online for her. I had already said because it wasnt a big wedding the wedding party was a total of 8. I wasnt getting her a long dress but more of a short one because it was my day and it wouldnt look right to me if she was in a long dress. She had the major hump but I told her to get over it.

I was sat with the oh just as she had been with her oh a few months before and she kept saying oh get a room. Bear in mind I was pregnant at this stage and very hormonal. She didnt seem too pleased for me but hey ho. So I was trying not to laugh at something the oh had said as I was trying to be cross with him for some reason and the bf come out with think of dead puppies. Well that got me. Big fat snotty tears, which for some reason she found hysterical and kept it up for quite a while until the oh told her to pack it in.

So on to the wedding day. She was fairly well behaved, but kept asking if she could have her hair and make-up done. I told her no I couldnt afford it and hadnt booked for that so there wasnt the time. Once again I got the cold shoulder. Then when her oh told me that I looked beautiful and if my now husband hadnt married me he would of, he got a stormy look before she went off. It was a joke, but i told him to go after her.

Then when I was about 26 weeks pregnant and stuck in Swindon after a draft to cyprus got cancelled- dirty word- and another blog haha! I got a phone call from the hub. He sounded werid and I was concerend considering he had gone bed at 9pm and it was about 2am. Anyway I tried ringing him back about 30 times.
I was determined he was going to answer the phone and boy when he did he was going to get it in the neck!! The phone was answered 'You must be E' 'Who the f**k are you and what are you doing with my husbands phone, this isnt funny put him on NOW.' 'I think you need to sit down and calm down. Your husband is currently in the back of my ambulance on a spinal board. We dont know whats happened to him you will have to give it an hour and ring a and e. Plus theres no point me putting you on the phone to him as he isnt making any sense.' WHAM. At this stage H is going mental kicking. I guess she was picking up on the adrenaline.

So I texted the bf are you up? She rang back straight away and I told her what was going on. She kept me calm until I could ring a and e and told me to ring her back. So after I had rung a and e and they had told me my husband couldnt feel his feet. Alsorts were going through my head. Was he going to be paralaysed? What the hell was going on? I jumped on the computer my heart racing and all thoughts of sleep out of my head I packed a bag to get ready to go to Plymouth on the next available train.

My mum came down to use the loo I told her what had happened and then the bf called and said I wasnt getting the train in the state I was in if I gave her the petrol money she would pick me up and drop me off. It was about an hour from where she was and then another 3 hours to Plymouth. (I sooo need to learn to drive) Her oh had come with her so that he could sleep on the way whilst she drove and then on the way back they could trade places.

By the time I got there the oh was fine, his drink had been spiked and to this day we still dont know if he had been hit by a car because of the bruises and the way he was found or if he had been attacked.
So once again thats the kind of thing you do for a mate. Except I would always have my face rubbed in it. What a brilliant friend she was how she was such a better person because she had done all this. Now this is just my opinion but when you do something for a friend you do it. You dont brag about it. If you brag about it that means your doing it for the glory that you get from doing it, which doesnt make it a selfless act. It makes it about you.

So anyway after months of waiting me and the oh finally got our quarters and were going to live happily ever after!! Not long after we had moved in she wanted to come down. Now T and P were already down that week so I told her that but also said she was still more than welcome to come. However, unlike the millions of times she had stayed with me for weeks on end before I couldnt afford to feed everyone because they were also fussy and T is coeliac so they would have to do there own shopping.

The bf asked couldnt I just tell T not to come. She wanted to just see me before H came along and took up all my time. Like after H I wasn't going to have a life. I explained to her I wasnt putting T off as I hadnt seen her in ages and in fairness she had arranged it first and if bf had a problem with it to come down a different week. Obviously afriad she was going to miss out on something she came down that week.

Now before everyone had got here I told them I was pretty much confined to the house as I couldnt go far even with my crutches. T said Im not coming to see Plymouth I am coming to see you. Bf didnt say anything.
So T and P arrive. Times getting on and really the boys need to go to the shop to get the food before 6 so we can all eat. Bf and her oh were running late so I told the boys to just go. Anyway shortly after that the doorbell goes. I answer the door 'EWW whats that smell it stinks in here.' Bite your tongue E bite it. Ouch drawing blood. Bf has just walked through the door and its already started. I told her we would be in the dinning room but before going there showed her around.

She turned her nose up at everything whilst her oh is going dead nice. Then she turns and goes your not even supposed to get a three bed. I dont think its fair. Your not entitled to this. Whilst T had said after everything that had happened with the draft falling through and me sleeping on an air bed she was chuffed that we had landed on our feet.

I show her the garden. Its too small. Its massive its just on a hill. I dont like it. I dont like your kitchen either. I dont think its fair you get cheap rent. Ok then. She then goes in to the living room me and T look at one another and have a fag and sit there talking. I got up to go toilet and shes moaning going oh its dusty in here. Hate it. Shes sat with a face like a slapped arse and I dont get it. I had so been looking forward to it and supposedly so had she.

Anyway all of us are playing UNO and she makes a comment that I forced my oh to marry me, because no-one would have otherwise and I didnt give him a choice about the baby. That she wants a baby because her ambition is to get a council house. She then turns round and says Im sick of people moaning about preganancy your supposed to glow arent you. Not that you ever did. Hurt and confused and not wanting to make a scene I kept quiet. If there hadnt have been other people there I would have kicked her out. Im trying to make excuses its probably that time of the month. Her and her oh must have had a row in the car on the way here. I just refused point blank to see the truth. Well T made a few comments back at her to stick up for me but I could tell she was also biting her tongue.

The next day me and T went to get our cards read, bf and the boys didnt want to so I suggested bf and boys go pub. But she made it clear she didnt really want P there so he stayed with us. And we agreed to meet them at the pub afterwards and get something to eat. I hadnt been out of the house in ages!

So we finish our readings and shes outside with an ice cream I suggest getting lunch. Oh we've already eaten. I want to go home its cold and I have seen the barbiacan before. Well T and P hadnt but to save a row we went back. T was cleaning up whilst bf sat there stuffing her face and throwing her sweet wrappers on the floor. She would finish her drink get up to get another one and leave her can where it was.

I had just told my husband off for rocking on the chair incase he broke it, because its rental furniture. So bf starts doing it instead and says she cant understand why my husband is still with me because all i do is nag. I dont do anything I just sit on my arse all day. HELLO I CAN HARDLY WALK! I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY AND I HAVE A DISABILITY. She then carries on along this line. Aswell as comments such as you better not give birth whilst I'm here. Hello dont come down near my due date then!!!

Now once would have been a joke but to continuously say it is not. Then she kept saying to my husband you will be useless you will just pass out. You wont cope. E will have to do it on her own. HES A MEDIC! HES MY HUSBAND AND WILL NOT PASS OUT. DROP IT!

She then plans to go in to town with her oh T tells me this and I say nothing. About 1pm everyday she would make an appearance leaving glasses and rubbish in her room. She comes down and asks what the plan of the day is. I say well your going in town so me and T will stay here. Well you can't get out the house and I'm sick of staying in all the time. Surprised shed been caught out she sulked off and didn't get back till gone 6. Then had the arse because we were eating. Well she hadn't had the decency to text how was I to know that she wanted something plus she hadn't bothered getting food in!
Anyway she then gets the hump because I wont lend her a DVD she had already asked the hub and he had said no, ask E they are our DVDs. She goes on a rant about how its either mine or his and if it was brought recently it would be his as I am not working and not paying my way. THANK GOD YOUR LEAVING TODAY!

So she thanks me for a wonderful weekend and goes off. I thought I had over reacted but as soon as she left T exploded thank god shes gone I wasn't going to stand for any more of that. I had decided I wasn't going to take her calls for a while she had really upset me. So I texted and said I'm a bit pissed off you need to leave me alone for a bit I will be in touch when I am ready. Now normally when she had not known what shes done in the past and something like that has happened she has asked me to tell her whats wrong so we can sort it, so in my eyes she knew exactly what she had done.

I had already decided to wait until H was born and see if she said anything as she would see it on facebook. She didn't so I deleted her and her oh as I didn't want them seeing what was happening. She sent me a message on facebook f'ing and blinding saying I had issues I ignored it.

On mothers day we were at H's great grandmas and she kept ringing and ringing and I kept cutting her off. Long story short words were exchanged and she was nothing but horrible. And clearly had saved it for mothers day ending the text with happy mothers day hope you have a nice life. You will never have any mates because your such a bitch. She also tried saying that it was her oh making the comments not her. She has done that in the past blamed someone else and I have believed her. You see I once walked in to the toilets at the pub to hear her and another so called friend slagging me off. So I guess that makes me the fool for continuously allowing them back in to my life!

So I learnt friends can break your heart. And when they do don't let them back in. It would seem she was jealous. Because there is no other excuse. I have had my heart broken again by a friend. It just makes me feel like I should just be careful as to who I trust now because I am beginning to feel like a fool when its me that ends up hurt.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Emotionally drained.

Bear with me on this post. I think I am trying to make sense as to why I feel worse right now.

Yesterday I went to the hosp with the oh whilst my mum looked after H. My appointment yesterday was with occupational therapy, for those who don't know what they do,  they basically provide aids and ideas to help you be a little more independent when disabled.

The woman was lovely. Did feel sorry for her as she was the only rheumatologist ot in the department, ridiculous and probably due to cuts. Any way she gave me two different types of supports for my wrists one with metal in and one without. As the metal ones are to restricting to do certain things i.e. use my crutches.

Then as we were talking it was obvious that I needed tuby grip for my knees, the reason for this they have really flared and are swollen. Normally I would go to the rheumy nurse, however, like the ot said not much point as until I have been seen by the surgeons no-one is going to touch me with a barge pole for fear of making things worse.

So then it was also decided that one of those things that picks stuff up off the floor would be useful. Bit grannified to me, but I can live with that.

So then she also comes back with a sponge on a stick, for when I am in the shower. God this is getting worse by the moment. So she then also says a bath board will come in handy because I can't get in and out the bath which is where the shower is at the moment. So means I will be able to have a shower sitting. Then she also suggested us getting a second banister rail installed so we are getting on to the modern housing solution team.

Then came the absolute crippling, wish the ground would open up and swallow me moment. And I am so going to blame my husband. He's talking about how I can't use my crutches that often at the moment and how getting about the house, even though at the moment its mainly from the bed to the bathroom, is difficult. Especially after I have taken my medication, I get spaced, my limbs go like jelly. I also have another problem with my legs which I will get on to in a moment.

So I am sat there and the hubby turns to me and says 'I am sorry babe but needs to be done..' turns back towards the ot, she replies with a knowing look. I am oblivious to whats coming next. She says 'I know what you are going to say, was just thinking myself a walking frame'.

As she goes off to get said 'walking frame' I don't know whether to bloody laugh or cry. I don't know whether to kiss my hubby or kill him. Confused and feeling I suppose shallow, I know I don't want it. Just like some of us don't want glasses, but I also know in my heart of hearts I need it.

She then gives us a leaflet and tells my husband that he needs to get me a wheel chair so that once a week I can get some fresh air and get out the house. I feel like its a new low. Its been a long time coming, but I don't feel I have the fight left in me anymore.

So I get back home, Mum is outside the front door giving moral support, by trying not to wet herself laughing. As we were browsing through the catalogue mum and me were making a joke of things. Trying to lighten the mood and it worked. Especially when she turned around and said. 'Its ok Em, Will get you some tinsel for Christmas to put around it!!'

So that set me thinking. I do want to liven it up a bit, personalise it. Make a joke of it, whatever, something whereby when I look at it I don't feel like an 80year old. Before I could ask any of my friends someone who I speak to on BritishForcesSweethearts, a website I have used since being with my husband, asked if she could make some crochet flowers for it to tie on.

Now I have never met this girl in my life. When I had my baby girl she sent me a beautiful blanket that she made herself. And now, even though she has her own problems going on she wants to do something like that to cheer me up! It once again made me smile. Especially when one of my other friends said that we should all get mobility scooters and race one another. Dealing with this via humour is the best way.

But I still have moments where I cry, and I sob, with big fat snotty tears running down my face as I try to explain to my husband how humiliating this feels right now. A week or so ago a new symptom started. My leg jerks uncontrollably can be from a few seconds to nearly half an hour. Now to start with it was only when putting weight on it. But has since happened when I have been laid down.

Its soul destroying to think that you have absolutely no control over your body. It took me nearly half an hour to get to the bathroom which is pretty much opposite our room last night. Because both legs were jerking uncontrollably and my hub had to keep catching me before I fell.

I told him last night I would understand if he wanted to leave. Whilst our vows were for better or worse. I don't think either of us envisaged something like this happening, especially so young and before our first anniversary.

Moving on to today. The Father in law was coming down, so hubby helped me in and out of the shower, washing my hair for me, because I couldn't even lift my shoulders that high. Then dressing me. You would never guess I am 24 by the way things are going. So I slowly made my way downstairs and used my frame to get about.

After about 15mins of my father in law showing up, I had to excuse myself to take painkillers. Knowing that that's me done now for a few days. So again I am led in bed, alone. Wondering and waiting what time the hubby will be up. Feeling lonely and very sorry for myself. I cant blame him we have company. I kept apologising to the hubby worrying that his dad would think i am being rude or ignorant.

So later on the hub came up to have a fag with me and said that he had said to his dad did he have a problem with me being up here. His reply was no, why is she feeling left out? Other half said yes. To start with I was like no that's not what I was getting at. But now once again with too much time on my hands I am realising yes that is a problem, I am being left out of a lot of things at the moment. Because I can't do them

I'm going to leave it there because I feel like I am going to really sob again soon. I hope the anti depressants kick in soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of the reason that I have to stay with it and get better...

Thursday, 7 July 2011


I just want to say to anyone that is reading this and is about to have a baby, don't take it to heart. Everyones birth story is different. And I believe just like anything in England only the bad is talked about haha!

Before I go in to details I need to explain a few things first. My pregnancy wasn't an easy one and by four months I was on crutches with a disabling thing called SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Anyway after reading up on lots of sites and researching that along with my psoratic arthritis I felt that the best way for me to go would be a c-section. I was under consultant led care because of all the issues I was facing. They had also found out during my pregnancy that I have a blood disorder called Thrombocytosis, this is basically where the platelets in the blood are too high, they were worried that H wouldn't be getting enough food from the placenta and would be a small baby.

After a few weeks of panicking and being scared we went for a scan where we were told she was already measuring at 6.6lbs and that the sonnagrapher believed that she would be 9lbs if I went to full term. Oh god. a 9lb, and I have to push that out! Plus knowing how these scans can be out and the fact that i was 11.7lbs when born I knew that I wanted a c-section as I felt I would recover more quickly as far as my joints were concerned as I wouldn't be placing the pressure on them that I would during labour and also with the SPD I was worried that they could do something to cause more damage.

Now the first consultant I saw, seemed and I say seemed sympathetic to my cause. She told me she didn't have the power to make that decision as she was only a registrar filling in. That she would put in my notes my wishes and she couldn't see why I wouldn't be given one.

So full of hope off we trot to the next appointment. Where the consultant tells us he will not be giving me a c-section, and he didn't understand why I had asked for a second opinion. WOAH hold the line here! So he shows me my notes where the other consultant I had seen has clearly put in her view that a c-section isn't necessary.

Now he did give good reasons. One I have had adhesion's in the past so it would be most likely I would get them again, which meant if I wanted more children it could make it more complicated and would more than likely lead to further surgery. Two because of my psoriasis I was likely to get it on the scar which would cause an infection, thus leading me to have a set back in recovery term. Three due to my high platelet count I was high risk for blood clots, thus making the surgery a dangerous one. Four people with SPD don't need c-sections as they are aware of all the risks and do everything to prevent the condition being worsened.

He told me I could go and get another opinion and more than likely if I looked long and hard enough I would find someone willing to do a c-section. He then added that he would see me at 38 weeks because of the pain I was suffering from SPD and if it was still really bad he would induce me.

So at 38weeks off I trot all excited my baby could be here very soon, to be told he wasn't going to induce me, because whilst the baby was head down he didn't think she was ready and her health was more important than mine. Being a first time mum, I just felt that the doctors knew best and left disheartened. You see by this point apart from appointments I was bed bound I couldn't move without pain ripping through me. He also said he would book an appointment for my due date, but didn't think he would see me then as he believed I would have H by then.

So back to the car back home and back to bed. I tried all the old tricks in the book to try and help things along, everything apart from castor oil, I think that's VERY dangerous.

My due date was the 23rd March, but there was a full moon before then and I had heard alsorts of stories about how that sped things up! So all excited and then the braxton hicks started. They seemed to be getting more painful and more regular! Ooooo I could feel the excitement and nerves start to build. Then after an hour nothing, nada, zip, zilch. I was gutted. So on my due date went to the hospital very disappointed, where they told me they would do a sweep and if nothing happened over night then I would be going on to the ward to be induced.

The sweep was extremely painful for me. So I went home all excited thinking this could be it, tonight could be THE night. Once again I woke up sorely disappointed and when I found out someone who I knew who had the same due date as me had had her baby on her due date, I felt more than a little bit peeved.

So we get the bags ready the next day hoping against hope I wont be in there long. I hate hospitals and it was roasting. I was given a nice side room and one of the nice nurses managed to root out a fan for me. So when the midwifes used to come in and take ages talking to me, I reckon it was because my room was the coolest haha!

After 3 days and many false contractions. I was about to be given another pessary and was told that I didn't need it, it was time! As soon as there was space on the labour ward, originally they said about 5pm I would go down have my waters broke and get this show on the road!!

5pm came and went so did 6,7,8 and then visiting times were over they told my oh to go home as it would now more likely be 10pm they then came and told me it may not be till the following morning. So after much floor pacing my oh trotted up to bed. To only be phoned by me "Its time!"

I think it was about 11pm so by the time we had got there and I had a drip put in it was 11.30ish when they broke my waters. Because they had given me picoting the contractions started coming thick and fast. Because of the amount of pain I was in an epidural was recommend.

All along I hadn't really wanted one because with my SPD I wouldn't feel if they pulled my legs too far apart. Anyhow at this stage it really was a case of give me the drugs give them NOW! So the epidural went in and I felt relief, brilliant, this labour malarkey is going to be a piece of piddle.. How wrong was I?!

About an hour later I begin to feel tightening again, I am pressing for more epidural but all that's happening is my legs seem to be getting number. So they roll me on to my side to see if its all gone on one side. Its not working and safe to say I'm not a happy bunny. So they roll me back. At this stage oh has gone for something to eat.

They ask me do I want to try diamorphine, yes please! But not alot because last time I only had 5mg and that sent me a bit funny and I felt really sick. So in they come and give me 15mg. The next thing I know I keep being woke up and I have an oxygen mask over my face the midwife is concerned asking me whats wrong. ERM well you have put an oxygen mask on me, so I obviously am not breathing properly. Apparently I kept falling asleep and as soon as I did I would stop breathing.

So the oh comes back from lunch to find me completely out of it, oxygen mask on my face and they are trying to do an ECG, saying they think if I don't come round properly soon they are going to have to rush me for an emergency section. My oh ends up having to tell this midwife how to do it. She was a snotty cow to say the least, shes shouting at me telling me to stop being so silly. Yeah because I really wanted to be like that.

Anyway I'm trying to pull the mask off I desperately need to be sick (silly cow hadn't given me anti sickness) and its lovely really. An orange colour from the lucozade I had been drinking and you can see the haribo that I had eaten!! My oh is in the corner his back turned to me. He really hates the noise of someone being sick- great for a medic huh?!

So they tell me, and to be honest I kind of felt forced, that I should have the old epidural removed and a new one put in, as we are hours away from anything happening as I'm not really that dilated. So after crying and being told that its the best way forward and it really should work the second time round I agree.

It didn't surprise surprise. So I cant have diamorphine it obviously doesn't agree with me, so they pass me the gas and air. AHH BLISS! It feels like I'm pissed. So I'm back to joking about with the midwife, updating my facebook status in between puffing on the gas and air. By this time I have been awake for at least 24hours because I didn't sleep well in hospital and hadn't slept since they told me I was next to go down.

So your thinking I must be knackered but so must the oh right??

Yes that is my husband ASLEEP!! I'm doing the hard work here! But remember I'm also high as a kite on gas and air, so the midwife says to me, aren't you going to wake him? Not much point at the moment. So he managed to sleep through quite a lot of my labour!

In between texting my cousin in law who was getting married that day I was chatting away to the midwife. I must have been talking crap, because when I looked at my facebook I couldn't understand what I'd put. The rest is pretty much a blur. But I will continue with what I do know.

The midwife looks down and as H had a clip on her head because she was moving to much for the one round my stomach to work she can slowly see the wire turning, good thing really as she was facing the wrong way. But she decided to check to see how dilated I was as she thought the movement of the wire must be a good thing.

I was about 5cm thinking yep not long to go now we get excited. How wrong, very very wrong. Anyway when I got to 7cm I had the urge to push and was being told not to push. Now anyone who has had a baby will know how difficult it is to not push when your body's telling you to.

This was when my carefree mood starting going downhill. I had silent tears streaming down my face. To then be told it could be another four hours before I am fully dilated and then possibly a couple more to push her out. I want to go home now. I've had enough she can stay where she is she obviously likes it there. Noticing my deterioration in mood and the fact that it had already been 21 and a half hours they decide to speak to the consultant.

If she isn't fully dilated in 30mins shes going for an emergency section this has gone on for long enough now. I'm crying whilst they try and numb my back, and then tell me to take more dia morphine. I don't want to but once again felt cornered in to it. They didn't give me as much, but all it succeeded in doing was making me feel sick.

They started moving me about and getting me gowned up. I was well and truly ready for a section. When the consultant came round and checked I was ready. So grabbing my gas and air I sat up to be told I wasn't allowed it AT ALL, not even between pushing. So stuff this, this baby is coming out and shes coming out now.

I pushed, I was even naughty and pushed in between contractions and after about half an hour I could feel her head when through gritted teeth I growl, and I mean growl WE ARE NEVER HAVING ANYMORE CHILDREN!!

My husband was really supportive and I wouldnt have got through it without him. The only other time during labour I shouted at him was when he was shouting push, he was actually pushing me. So I screamed stop blooming pushing me your making it harder!!

At this stage I could feel H's head and it wasn't a nice feeling so I continued to push and whoosh out she finally comes. Gas and air is handed back to me. But I can feel that I am losing blood, when the placenta came out it felt like sweet relief!

I had wanted H straight away, but they didn't give her to me, she didn't make a sound. Me and the oh are crying him telling me how happy and how proud he is. And me shouting whats wrong with my baby why isn't she crying. No-one answered. I was thinking the worst and was extremely distressed when 3 mins later she let out a cry. Trust me when I say those 3 mins were the longest of my life!

She was finally here. But they had two nurses push my legs right back during giving birth because of the size of her, thus affecting my spd. I had also tore badly and had lost 1 litre of blood. I was told I was being taken to theatre to be stitched up as they thought I may have to have an operation.

I just wanted to feed H but was told no. I told them I'm not having any stitches till you numb me so they said they would do a spinal block. However, when they took my temperature it was sky high. So they couldn't and they didn't want to do a general unless absolutely necessary.

So I am wheeled in to theatre moved on to the bed with the bright lights above me and by now I am crying ALOT. I am scared. A theatre awake is a pretty daunting place to be when your the one on the table. They have the bright idea of topping up my epidural I keep telling them NO I can feel EVERYTHING apart from my legs. They did the ice test about 7 times, why would I lie?!

So after a while I calm down a bit and had 7 local anesthetics to the area. Not a nice place to be injected in repeatedly, but every now and again I would scream at him to stop as the area wasn't numb. The anesthetist has given me gas and air but is actually holding it over my face. I'm trying to pull it off. The whole idea of gas and air being self administered is so you cant over dose on it and this silly cow is practically suffocating me with the stuff. By this time they had given me a sedative as well. Without my consent.

Anyway about an hour after I went to have my stitches done I came out was wheeled in to recovery where I was crying I was that hot and my temp was soaring still. They gave H to me for me to try and feed her.. but that is another story for another day as I have probably bored you all silly now!!

In total my labour was 23 hours with two threats of an emergency section.I suppose looking back now I didn't have it as bad as some but it still left me traumatised and with SPD. But this was the result.