Finally!

It seems like things are finally happening to sort me out. My MRI has been moved forward to Monday. I rang and asked if I could possibly have a sedative as I don't think I will cope with being fully in the machine for over an hour as I am having a brain neck and spine MRI. The last few I have had I have not been to bothered by as I have not been totally in the machine I haven't had my whole body totally in! So they advised me to ring my doctors, but if you are a regular reader you will know just how helpful they are.

 When I was having a total breakdown and my husband rang them for a doctor to come out. They said they would get someone to call back. That call back was two hours later and his attitude was to just up my anti depressants and take more diazepam for that day to calm me.

When I actually went to the doctors and broke down in front of her, she said mine was a complex case and as she was only part-time she wasn't prepared to take it on. Also I was told I had to much on my mind and to forget about certain parts of it! (Erm hello). She then went on to say that I would just have to pretty much get over my meltdowns until the higher level of anti depressants kicked in. Which as she pointed out could take more than a month. She didn't look at what I was asking told me the rest of her patients had been waiting long enough and said I could stay in that room until I calmed down.I only thought a GP could refuse to treat you if you were rude, not because you were a complex case!

Safe to say until I got indoors took all my medicines and a sneaky baileys hot chocolate it took me quite a while to calm down. Anyway that night I didn't sleep to well but tossing and turning and just had a thousand and one things running around my head.

The next day I was still feeling teary, but low and behold I got a phone call from my neurosurgeon's secretary. Asking me to come in on Tuesday for my spinal surgery. Turns out the surgeon has been as good as her word. It will be about 3 weeks since I saw her when I actually have the surgery.

I know I have been told not to get my hopes up that it will fix the other problems including my back pain. However, I can't help but hope, and I am not going to stop hoping as its the first time in a long time that I have felt hope. It would seem that their is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband and mum have both been fantastic at keeping my mind of it (when I haven't been asleep that is) I was talking to my Husband the other day and saying how I think he may be a little bit addicted to games. He sat there and said no its been days since I played a game. I looked at him and to my phone which he had in his hand and was playing a game on and laughed.

Then trying to dig himself out of the situation he turned round and said I meant on a computer, then I sweetly pointed out that the night before we had played a hidden object game together!

It made me realise all over again who I am fighting this for, I'm fighting for my family.

Lil H's Scan

Well I went to the hospital worried, I really didn't think we would get her to sleep. As she only seems to take ten minute naps these days. Plus the past week it sounded like she hadn't really been napping. But then again I think she may have been getting spoilt with cuddles. Don't get me wrong yes she needs love and attention and cuddles, but you can't pick a baby up every time they make a noise otherwise they expect it. Babies are not stupid. Yes she needs interaction but not 24/7, people still need to be able to do the house work. But it would seem after our guests left, whether or not its because shes teething I really don't know. You can't put her down, as soon as you do she whinges.

Now if she was full on crying, needed her nappy changing, needed feeding then she lets you know if you see what I mean. Then she will really cry not just little moany whingey noises, or as has happened now fake coughing. We seem to be managing to get her back in to routine now, so hopefully it was just a phase. Lil madam will laugh as soon as you go in to see whats wrong which leads me to believe she's dipping her toe in the water so to speak to get attention.

It brings questions to the mind of controlled crying, or do you tend to them straight the way. I don't think there is a wrong or a right way of doing it, all babies are different. There is a huge difference between controlled crying and neglect. As I say though unless shes hungry or maybe under the weather it isn't really a cry.

Any way back to the hospital. I really was worried, because if she didn't sleep for the scan it would be more weeks of waiting and then the fact that she would have to have a general anesthetic. Which as I am sure most parents would agree I don't want for my baby.

So we were trying to feed her, she took two ounces and started crying and fussing. So not like her at all. I managed to calm her and passed her to her daddy, he managed to get another three ounces down her and some heavy eyes! So I took her back and had her resting on my chest gently stroking her hair and making low shh shushing sounds in her good ear.

She was out for the count I was so relieved, but still anxious, how long would we have to wait? How long would she stay asleep like this for? So when the nurse finally came out I managed to breath a little, but still not completely they still had to get her on to the bed for the ct scan.

As soon as she was took from my arms and placed on the bed she started crying. Because the beds a lot higher than the wheelchair I thought she had woken up and honestly my heart was breaking. The radiologists were fantastic stroking her hair and swaddling her.

Finally she seemed settled, it would seem she had cried out in her sleep, because they had to put her head in some sort of vice like thing to stop it from moving and they don't think she liked that. When they asked who wanted to stay in the room we agreed I would. I think D did this knowing how little I can do for her at the moment and how anxious I would be outside. I am grateful to him for that, because I can imagine it wasn't easy being the other side of the door waiting.

I honestly can't imagine how parents must feel when there children have to have operations, she was only having a scan and I was in pieces. But you see this scan could end up changing her whole life. If its positive it means one simple knock to the head and she will be completely deaf.

So now we have to sit and wait for an appointment for the results. I tell you if I see the same consultant I will be asking him what he meant when he said the next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. I will not take the blame for this. For a while I did. But I did everything I could to protect my baby. I took painkillers towards the end on both doctors and consultants orders, telling me that I would harm my baby more by not taking painkillers because I would be stressing the baby out.

H will grow up knowing no different. We will tell her how special she is. If the test comes back positive, which my gut is telling me it is. Then me and D will learn sign language and teach it to her from now. We will talk and sign so that if the worst was to ever happen, she will still be able to communicate.

So for now I will try not to worry I will watch over her as she sleeps and be prepared for whatever the answer is. Next big day coming up  is my private appointment with the professor in neurology. Lets hope we are one step closer to getting answers.