Shopping with a mobility scooter

So I know I'm not the only disabled shopper in the world. As a first experience it wasn't the best,although it was slightly humourous, now i look back on it that is! I think I will be sticking to online shopping.As I don'tthink I will be braving a scoote for some time to come .

Firstly and this probably sounds rather vain, but I hated being in one and the looks that I got! I wanted to shout if you want to know just ask. Then its almost like a pity party of everyone jumping out your way avoiding eye contact or diving in to reach that product that's just a little to high up the shelves for you. Now that may sound extremely ungrateful, and I don't mean to come across that way but.. I was with my husband. Its for me difficult enough being in this position and I will ask him for help if I need it. I have or was always very independent until I met my husband, I still felt like I had some of that left so with people doing that it just felt they were taking strips of independence away. I suppose a little dignity, whats left of it after you have had a baby anyway!

Then as I was upstairs and the hubby had wondered off the blasted scooter wouldn't move. I'd like to point out that at this point the little light was still green indicating it still had battery left. Well it let me reverse but just refused to go forward. I could see people looking at me and felt the colour rising in my face. I felt like asking one woman if her mother had never taught her that it was rude to stare!

So after a few heart stopping minutes the thing starts up again, I go and join my husband and tell him in no way is he to leave me behind. Now I don't drive, so when I crashed in to a display full of clothes my husband said that it was probably a good thing. Luckily the display was sturdy and nothing broke. I however by now am scowling. I look to the little light, we'd probably been in the store for all of 15mins and its on red. So thinking that it turns to red with plenty of time to get you back to the front of I go.

Just as we reached the home stretch it started to give out on me. So the hubby pushed it from behind with the trolley and I made it to the customer service desk- just. I asked for another one. I couldn't use a normal chair as H was in the big trolley that D was pushing and we needed the big trolley. I like shopping and didn't want to have to sit on a bench red faced whilst the hubby finished up. So they give me another scooter...

I didn't get very far before it broke down in the middle of the store. At that point I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. There were no more scooters and it wasn't the shortest walk to the front of the store. No way was I dragging that thing and because it had completely lost power D couldn't even push it far from behind. So it had to be abandoned, bit like the rest of the shopping really.

There were no more scooters and really at this point, even though my husband was highly amused I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry as quite a few people had seen this happen and looking back yes I can laugh. But is it too much to ask that they charge the scooters when they put them back? I wasn't going to take the risk of a third scooter and there was no way I could walk round the rest of the way so it was a case of 'lets go home and D can finish it tomorrow'. Which got my goat a little bit really. I may have had a few disasters with online shopping but at least that's behind a screen!! So until I build up the confidence again I am only left with the choice of online shopping which after having my gallbladder out next week will probably be all I feel up to!

Back in Plymouth

I am back in Plymouth now. Hopefully to stay. Just waiting to hear when my gallbladder op will be and if D will be allowed the time off work if not I will have to go back and stay with my mum.

That's not such a big deal as luckily now that I am older me and mum get on a lot better and tend to try and talk things out rather than having argument. The other good thing is it means I get to catch up with all my friends because at the moment Plymouth is quite lonely as I don't know many people and unless there are mum and baby groups in the evening when D can take me, I don't really have a hope in hell of getting there.

I have finally changed the medication patches I was on, so at least I am not being driven up the wall with the urge to scratch! However, I am not entirely sure the dose is high enough as I can feel all my joints and gallbladder pain more than what I normally do. I am also getting the sleepy side affects. It would be so easy to just go back to Swindon for another week or until my medication is sorted out, but I don't see the point. I need to try powering through this as I am always going to have bad days with my joints and with my back.

I intend to ignore the housework, well try my hardest anyway. I am just going to concentrate on H and me and when she naps so will I. I feel like a new mum except my baby is 6months old and a hell of a lot more active than a new born. She is also stubborn as hell when she wants something... can't think where she gets that from lol! However, it does feel amazing that after all this time I can finally feed her without crying with the pain. I think and have probably said this before that the back surgery was the best thing I could have ever done!

She is sitting up unaided for longer periods of time and is getting frustrated that she can't crawl, not that it stops her from getting to where she wants to go, which is normally somewhere shes not supposed to be. She was shaking her juice all over her yesterday and had a roaring hissy fit when I took it off her and looked to her dad.

I am guessing she is going to be a daddy's girl! Would love to know what goes through their minds. She wasn't too well last night but seems fine this morning. Even if she did get up at 1am to have a little chat to herself and blow some bubbles, don't get me wrong she doesn't cry out to get up she sends herself back off to sleep. But I would love to know why she does it!!

Hub has joined me up with net mums so that I can meet other mums in the area. It really all depends on if they feel comfortable going to a strangers house for a drink though as there is no way I am near enough ready to get out and about. Which reminds me I need to do a food shop in a bit. Oh the joys. Considering trying asda to see if they are cheaper.

Anyway I think I have rambled on about nothing for the past ten minutes so if you managed to get this far well done! I guess the reason I am staying in Plymouth is that I need to try. I need to try and build up a good network of friends here like what I have in Swindon as I don't know that I can handle being a weekend wife. It also depends as to why my leg and arm have fits though, as I may be left with no choice but to move back. Its now just a waiting game and boy do I hate waiting!

A navy wife rant!! Beware!

So I am sat in the garden this morning writing this post, as H has decided yet again she would prefer to nap in the garden rather than her cot, not that she is doing much napping, note me writing a post rather than getting my head back down.

H decided a fun time to get up would be 6.15am blowing bubbles, this is after a restless night of her tossing and turning and coughing. One of the things I am looking forward to when I go home is her being back in her own room so that when I need the toilet at 2am and she is half awake I don't have to creep past!

Today is Friday and normally I would be spending the whole day in excited anticipation of the hubby coming home, as originally he wasn't duty for a few more weeks. However, this has now all changed. Life in the big blue one as his old boss used to say, normally at the most inappropriate of times but hey ho its true.

Yes I knew what lifestyle I was marrying into and the thoughts and worries that come with it. But sadly you don't get to chose who you fall in love with. What really gets my goat is when people turn around and say well you knew this was going to be your life. Just because I knew it doesn't mean I have to like it.

The thing I hate most at the moment, is knowing he is coming home from work everyday and yet I can't see him unless we do face time god bless the iphone! Its not the same though. You can't cuddle up to that in bed.  I didn't chose to come to Swindon, don't get me wrong I am enjoying spending time with my friends and my Mum. But its not the same, I want to be home.

This weekend I was supposed to be going home and seeing if I could manage in the hours that D works if not I would come back for another week or two. However, because today is the big day when they are announcing the redundancies apparently anyone who gets it is being sent home on 5 days leave. As D's office has already lost about three people and with two people up for redundancy it means that possibly he will be the only one that can do the duty and this weekend there is a lot of work on.

We had plans and I hate the fact that at the last minute a bombshell like this gets dropped. Just like the week before we were supposed to be moving to Cyprus everything packed in boxes and me living at home we found out that wasn't happening. No reason given. That's the life in the big blue one.

I hate the fact that I don't know if I am going to see him today or not. I may not know until four o'clock this afternoon. Its the constant uncertainties. As stupid as it sounds its easier when he's on deployment. Because I know I can't seem him, sometimes even have no contact with him. Its just knowing that he's at home and I am stuck here. There is no way on earth I am well enough to take the train. Plus then there is the luggage that comes with having a child, how the heck would I carry all that.

Its not just mine and D's plans messed up if this happens. Potentially its my mums to. As she will need to be here or at least someone will to help me out over the weekend.

Don't get me wrong not all aspects of a navy wife are bad. There are many support sites through which I have made some genuine and some not so genuine friends. One lady who I had never even met crocheted a blanket as a gift for when H was born, even though she had lost nearly everything in a house fire, no home insurance... Ladies and Gents please make sure you have it because you don't know who its going to happen to! Also other people have been supportive in times of need offering words of wisdom.

However, some forces wife's can be clicky and use their husbands rank as their own. This riles me, because whilst me and D are a couple I wouldn't dream of using his rank, I am my own person.

You can get women who are there through the thick and thin because they know what its truly like, as your normal friends can only really sympathise. Don't get me wrong I am thanking my lucky stars that D isn't in the category for redundancuy and for now his job is stable. Its a good wage and means that I can stay at home with my baby.

Which is even better considering all the problems with my health at the moment. Also their welfare system can be really helpful. The housing is cheap. You can get discount in certain places, but why shouldn't we have a few luxury's when our husbands could be putting their lives on the line for our country.

Plus those with children are single parents to all intents and purposes when there is a deployment. I am proud of my husband and the job he does. What makes it even better is that he enjoys his job, so I would never dream of asking him to give it up. Only if he wanted to. I have always said that whatever he chooses to do I will support him in and I mean that 100% because that in my eyes is what marriage is about. Its also about so much more, compromise as well as understanding truth and trust. Because I have always believed that if you don't have trust you don't have anything left. Especially when your oh or husband is in a job like mine. Its so much worse than long distance sometimes.

There are times when I don't even know where he is. My main concern now is for H and how it will affect her and I guess it wont as she will know no different. It will affect me on her behalf though, especially the times when there is no contact for months. Those are the times I chose to not watch the news, its too depressing and worrying when an article comes on.

Sometimes I think that what the navy fail to realise is us women are the ones fighting behind the scenes, fighting to keep a smile on our partners faces when they go to battle or in tough places. Fighting to make them remember that they have something worth fighting for, something to come home to. That's why every time D has been away for awhile I try to give him the best home coming every time. So that he fights tooth and nail to come home.

Hey ho life goes on and we have a beautiful daughter who I thought was asleep for all of five minutes anyway. Here's today's picture that made me smile. Because when life gets tough you have to roll with the punches and make your own happiness.

Brilliant news since writing this I have found out that D doesn't have to take the duty because those who applied for it don't get the 5 days leave.. Hurrah!!

Daddy's girl in her sailor dress!

A Birthday and a Long Weekend (Plus H's long awaited hospital results)

Well the weekend just gone was a long weekend in more ways than one! D had the Monday off as we were getting the long awaited results of H's scan.
Also it was his Grandma's birthday. We went to visit her in Paignton and she loved her present which was a photo album with a few wedding pics of mine and D's as she had asked for one before and we hadn't got round to it. The rest of the album was H. On the front of the album I put my favourite picture of H and her great gran on the front.

 I was pleased to see that the present was a real hit! She loved it. In her eyes H is perfect. I love D's grandma to pieces she's one of the most honest people going. The way she see's it is that she is 94 and has earned the right to say what she feels no matter what other people think!! Fair play!
We were planning on going for a cream tea but by this time she was quite tired so we decided we would all go out for Sunday lunch the next day. Well when we got to D's Uncle and Aunties plans had changed and we were eating there. Sadly I don't like fish or eggs so I made do with a ham sandwich, whilst H chattered away or should I say shouted... my she has found her lungs!
My mother in law managed to get some fantastic photos, one being the four generations of a family. The other photo's were of all of us that had gone to the birthday girls lunch. They were all fantastic, she really is a dab hand with a camera! The ones she took of H when she was first born looked like professional ones.
Here's two of my favourite pictures.

So then it was Monday which was going to be a mad day, as H had her hospital appointment I had the doctors, and the rabbit should have gone to the vets. So up ready and early again. I suppose I better get used to early mornings...

Well we went in to see the consultant and he told us that H's scans were clear. So if she does bang her head then I don't have to worry that she is completely deaf. So the next thing was for me to deal with the consultants god like arrogance.
I asked him what exactly did he mean by the comment next time I was pregnant I would have to be more careful. To which he stuttered and stammered and said he was going to get the nurse who had sat in on the last consult as he didn't think for one minute he would say something like that. As I pointed out to him there was two of us that had heard the comment.
There was so many contradictions, for example we had been told originally that the type of hearing loss H had a hearing aid wouldn't help, we have now been told otherwise. Then it went from H being completely deaf to the fact that she may not be completely deaf but only slightly.
I did get more than one apology and I left it there as we do need to deal with him in the future and I don't want it affecting H's care. I left feeling satisfied this time, rather than being left feeling like H's deafness was my fault. Which it isn't! Even though now it would appear she may not even be deaf!! Whats the point in the tests when they don't tell us they can be wrong?
My doctors appointment was for my pain patches, they have been driving me up the wall. They have been itchy and when they come off leaving massive red lumps and weeping until like a sun burn peeling. Turns out I am allergic to plasters now! So we are trying a different type of patch, same drug so that what happened last time can't happen again!!
D's fine, he always is bless him. I really miss him during the week and know that he is missing us, especially the way he comes running in to see H on a Friday, its so sweet to watch. As a couple we have been through more than most couples go through in a life time and we are coming out stronger for it. He has been amazing and I can't thank him enough for being there as a shoulder and keeping my confidence up and also not repeating on what I have said to him. I love you D and I can't wait to be home again xxx

Little H and Me

Firstly big apologies for neglecting my blog so badly. I promise I will try to come on more often with updates but life for me at the moment has been one manic time!

For those of you who follow my blog you will know I recently have had a back operation and needed to move back in with my mum so she could help look after the little one whilst I got back on my feet as my husband wasn't allowed any more compassionate time off, as he had had quite alot.

This back operation was a risk as we didn't know that it would solve my back pain. Obviously with any spinal surgery it also carried risks. I was so desperate that I was ready to try anything.
I have to say its the best thing I have ever done. Yes I am still waiting to have my gallbladder out and to find out why my arms and legs sometimes have a life of their own. But to go from being wheeled from the bedroom to the bathroom because I couldn't walk that far due to the pain. To being able to feed H and walk is just amazing.

Being in swindon has also come with benefits like many visitors! So it's been great but it means that I havent had much time to myself. Which is hard enough to come by as it is! I have enjoyed it don't get me wrong. I have also enjoyed the fact that the time me and hubby have spent together has been more quality time because we are making the most of what we have!

H is changing everyday at the moment. To start with in the highchair she had to sit on the cushion, that was only a week ago, but now she doesn't need that cushion as she has grown so much!
She can sit up unaided for short periods of time. She can get anywhere she wants by rolling and commando crawling. She says mumumumum and dadadada. She can also say yeah and no.

It was quite funny last night she was being really loud and it was getting close to her bed time. So I turned to her and said, it's quiet time now H your going bed soon. To which me and my mum heard a shouted NO! Well she probably didn't know what it meant but it was comical timing!

A quick update on me, I am still in Swindon but I don't think it will be long before I am able to go home. Admittedly the house work and cooking will still fall down to D but as long as I can sort H out and get myself breakfast which I need to start remembering we will be alright!

I also know that when I move back it doesn't matter if I don't see many people as I have one friend who has texted me everyday and has kept my spirits right up. I have never met this lady but I can't wait to. Once again people like this restore my trust in people. As that as most of you who are regular readers will know has been such a hard thing for me to do, after a fair few people collectively used and abused my trust.

I have decided to write a letter to H, for her to look back on in years to come.

Dear H,
When I am feeding you please stop looking down and moving your head just as the spoon is going in, I don't like it anymore than you do when the food goes up your nose.

Also after dinner time you are messy and I need to wipe you down. Your baby wipes are NOT food please stop trying to eat them.

When I am changing your bum it would be great if you didn't keep rolling over because it would be done quicker and everyone would be happy.

I know you like to think your the next Houdini but you can leave your high chair straps alone!! Your too little to start trying that!

When I say no to you, your not supposed to laugh. When I say no and you get upset don't look to your dad, he's on my side!

But mostly I have to stop going shops as you have enough toys and clothes now lol!

I love you lots, but please just go to sleep at your nap times like a good girl!
Mummy xxx

A Great Day

Today has been well brilliant. Yesterday due to a dodgy tummy I blame the orange high juice personally! I had managed to ditch the zimmer frame, because trust me, you can not run with that thing! Yesterday I had made the decision to come off the Ora morph unless I needed it badly say in the evening. So after not taking that for the first time ever, I heard Holly wake up and cry.

I left it for a few seconds, which always feels like hours when your baby is crying, I decided stuff it I am going to tackle the stairs. I made up, nearly giving my mum a heart attack in the process! Then I fed her breakfast and was glad that she went sleep after because it was 6am.

So mum took her back upstairs and I got back in to bed and just as I was getting in to a deep sleep the doorbell went. It was Mr Postman. So I took the stuff inside, and decided I may as well ring the doctors. Then I was planning on getting back in bed.

Well that plan went to pot, someone was awake so I decided to change her on the sofa with the changing mat, saves my back and I tell you its actually better than my changing station as that is too low for me. So with that done I let her play on the floor with her toys, whilst I got comfy on the sofa keeping an eye on her. H has decided its fun to either commando crawl and roll to reach the handles on my mums T.V unit trying to chew on them or open. Plus she will then go the other way trying to get in to the dinning room which currently is my bedroom.

Anyway, she decided she had had enough of that and it was getting close to her lunch time so I put her in her round thingy ma bob that helps her sit up.. cant remember what its called haha! When mum seen me pick her up there was a gasp and E didn't think you could do that just yet.

You see the leaflet says two months. I've not even reached to weeks post op yet. The relief I feel however is immense. I have now managed to cut down all off my tablets apart from those that seem to be helping with the shakes.

So anyway. I fed her her lunch. Went and sat outside with her for a bit, as she loves it in the garden. She is so alert and totally fascinated by everything and every noise. Although to start with she wasn't too keen when mum started up the lawn mower but by just stroking her face and telling her it was ok calmed her.

After that mum had decided to take H for a walk to the shops to get some bits in. I crawled in to bed. I was shocked I knew if I didn't sleep I'd regret it so I read for a bit and slept some. Then the doorbell went and it was Smiley C. So we had a catch up and apparently I am a bad influence and made her smoke too many cigarettes haha! By the time she was leaving it was H's tea time. Which is desert time which she normally laps up.

H was having none of it, apparently the strap on the high chair was more tasty, so glama held that back and the lil bugga lugs just went to the other side, clever bugga lugs admittedly, but still lil bugga lugs! So after managing to get half down her bib and a couple of spoonfuls in she then decided to spit it out. Obviously she wasn't that hungry. So I left my mum to give her some juice while I spoke to the hub, who had left his phone in a different room. Yet had the home phone in front of him, not realising that particular one was not charged doh!

So anyway I finally managed to get hold of him and the doorbell went again, because mum was cooking I got out of bed and it was T. She had changed her mind and decided to come round after all, she loves H. Then about 8 H had her bottle with her rusk in (which I fed her) and then put her down.

If I say so myself I am quite pleased with myself, like I said before I am not even two weeks on from the surgery, and yes I do get pain, but nothing I can't handle. So I am ready to tackle this. Obviously the first week or so before going home I will do here to make sure I can do it and am ready, if I am not I have back up.

The only thing is its like being a new mum. As I never really had the chance to do this much with her before. So its quite scary but I know I can do it and I will do it. I can't wait to get back to my husband. He can't wait either because he misses seeing me and H each day when he comes home from work and feels a bit lost. I tried to tell him that doing the house work would take his mind off it, but he didn't believe me, dunno why... haha.

So that's all for today. I am posting this because I am proud of myself. I cannot thank the surgeons enough, they have changed my life less than two weeks ago I was in a wheelchair unable to walk or sit for long periods of time and now this. I am still resting though, I don't want to run before I can walk and set myself back.

Me, hub and mum had come up with Christmas as a deadline, its looking likely that that may be thrown out of the window! Thing is H is so easy to look after, shes so happy and content to play. She will chat away to you but she doesn't need 24/7 attention. If she rolls over and bumps herself she's more likely to get back up and carry on. Just as if something makes her jump she will jump and then begin to laugh. My baby is a tough cookie, it runs in the family.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday as it means the hubby gets to Swindon and I have decided to keep the wheelchair for the weekend so that I can get the Christmas shopping out the way because I don't know how long it will be before I can walk or stand for long periods. I still couldn't stand and cook a dinner. What I can do though is look after me and my baby and that's what matters! This time I really am going, but I will leave you with a piccy that I love.

Coming Round, The op and Recovery plus general catch up!!

coming round

Well I had my surgery today. Although I may not be able to post this till I am home. At the moment I am very drugged up so if I am not making sense, that's my excuse and I am sticking to it!

We had to get the ward for 7am so when someone told us that i may not go down until 1pm I felt like crying my mouth was dry my back however was in bits. I was very surprised to see my husband get all manly and demand that I be given a bed to lay on as I can not sit for long periods.

I'm surprised neither me or my husband launched at the stupid bollocks of a man who speaking at the top his voice said that nhs cuts were because they were paying money on equipment for the army, but he felt that more chairs were more necessary d. i. c. k. head. Personally I would loved to have put him straight, shame we got called out at that moment.

So anyway I have to stay on oxygen pretty much till I leave apparently it helps lower the risks of catching an infection which I do not bloody want thank you very much! I even have my own special toy.  Its called a morphine pump although they have offered me Ketamine as well but this i refused as i would have been put on a ward and taken out of my side which i have luckily acquired.  I cant sleep on wards so i thought it was a fair sacrifice.  They gave me something else instead though but it did begin with a c.  Bit like Gas and Air really!!  Makes me feel like i don't give a flying F***!!

I say i don't give a flying but that was until hubby walked in.  I felt sweet relief as i had my bitch back to run my errands LOL joke.  I sent him to get sweets drink and trashy magazines which always makes a girl feel better, even if at the moment everything is blurry and I am getting the hub to type this, im sure if i put my face close enough to the magazine I will be able to read it! Then for another shock which made me choke a bit. Uncee A the hubs mate had sent me a lovely card wishing the best of luck but it didn't stop there he had also sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers which arrived apparently in a nice vase as well. D has some competition for my hand LOL - erm I was dictating to my husband not anymore. I can't believe he has done that, it really is so sweet especially when some of my so called friends couldn't even wish me good luck! (And they are still looking and smelling lush a week on!!)

So uncee A I just want to say a big thank you. You have always been their in the background. As soon as we brought H home from the hospital there was a parcel waiting for us. A Liverpool kit for H. The oh was none to pleased! neither was h come to think of it as no sooner had we put it on she was sick everywhere on the kit.

A week later.

Well the operation had gone well, I was as you can probably tell by the above post as high as a kite on morphine until I asked for the commode. The nurse brought it in. Left me, bear in mind I have just had back surgery and before it I was in a wheelchair, so its been a while since my legs have been used. Anyway I manage to get on the darn thing with the nurse button near me but the morphine button the other end of the bed. So I do my business and 40 yes 40 minutes later someone comes in leaving the door and curtain open whilst I am sat on the commode so obviously pretty stressed in a damn site lot of pain I tell her to close the curtain and I want a formal complaint made. You cannot leave someone like that for that long. Not that they really cared as far as they were concerned they were busy. So I said now I need something else for the pain, because at this point I was crying and on the verge of screaming in pain. The nurse comes in and says to me do I want ketamine. Er no. Don’t fancy being paralysed and hallucinating surely that’s not good for people suffering depression, just come round from surgery and wanting some sleep?!  I want what I had before which had worked. I also want to stay in the side room because of how I'm feeling I wont sleep and don’t want to have other people looking at me or me looking at the horrid blue curtains that they don’t bother closing when you actually need privacy!!

Anyway it took them 3 yes that’s right 3 hours of me screaming and crying in pain before they sent someone. Who got on his high horse when I told him yet again why I didn’t want to take the horse tranquilizer drug. He got the hump and said the one that I wanted meant 25minutes of his time and he would have to do my obs and I wasn’t worth his time as he had more important patients. There was also a third drug but he refused to tell me about it. So after arguing about patient choice for about 20 minutes in which time he could of done it he goes off gets the drug beginning with C which at the start you can see makes me a happy bunny. Except he doesn’t give me a full dose he, he doesn’t check any of my obs. Then he says is that any better, a little but not a lot. Well that will have to do, I have wasted enough time with you and I will not come back down if your in pain and if they do send someone you will have to have ketamine. Thought I didn’t have to do or have anything against my consent!!

Anyway I am a week on the dressing has come off. I can walk slowly with a frame. Sometimes I am brave/ stupid you decide and go without and then have to sit down half way. I have had to come to Swindon for my recovery because the Navy will not allow my husband anymore time off.

I can’t pick up my baby girl for two months but at least when I am led or sat down people can pass her too me for cuddles. I am still going through the whole guilty about everyone else doing everything for her phase on and off. My auntie in Ireland sent a package of clothes over for H and they are adorable, she has great taste! I have managed to end up with lots of visitors which is nice but tiring.

I am going back to Plymouth soon for some appointments one of which is H’s hearing scan results. I am still waiting for my latest MRI results.

Someone who obviously knows me and my husband well-ish is playing games and signing us up for sites that we didn’t join and couldnt have done on some of the dates!  And I don’t just mean dating sites. So we know who-ever it is, is trying to split us up. But they are going to have to wake up a lot earlier than that to catch either of us believing that the other has joined such vulgar sites. This has happened tonight and me and the hub are wondering if we can get the police involved whether we should? What would you do. Its beyond a joke now. And can only be one of a few people. So passwords and emails and other things may have to be changed!

But other than that all is fine and dandy here! I feel better being able to walk again. I am managing to reduce my diazepam which has got to be good, and take the oral morph less often because its yucky! Although I am still getting very sleepy pockets during the day or evening where if I don’t go to sleep I will pass out. On that note I am going now as this post has been long enough. But then again it has been a week that I, Mrs Gabby Guts has tried to condense!!!

A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?

A Little Light

Well Wednesday we went to see the neurosurgeon. I didn't hold out much hope. I was falling towards rock bottom at this point. I had had enough and trying to figure out a way round things was getting harder. A very kind person said that they would hope for me as I said I didn't have any left.

That's the amazing thing about blogging and forums, you talk to people and they support you, even though they don't know you. I write about my struggles and problems because this is MY blog to do with as I wish! Why should I just keep quiet to please one or two people. If I have a problem with someone I come straight out and say it. My blog has been about my struggles and has been a huge help to me. It has given me faith that there are some genuine people left in the world.

To my surprise the neuro surgeon was fantastic and understanding. She showed us the damage to two of my discs in my back. Then showed us how a normal disc should look. There is a big difference, considering how badly my mobility is at the moment she has decided to operate.

Yes I am scared and nervous about it but at the same time I am glad finally someone has decided to take some action! I know what the risks are but I feel they are worth taking. The gallbladder surgery will go on hold as this takes priority! It has also been classed as urgent which could still mean 8 weeks, I really hope not.

We do kind of have a back up plan of care thanks to strongman aka cheesy chips man. I am not going to let the cat out of the bag on that one just yet don't want to jinx it, but if it pulls off it means finally my luck has changed.

As for H wow. She has come on so much. She could already roll over on to her front and shuffle on her bum, now she can roll over the other way. We gave her some baby rice and she lapped it up! Hopefully she may go down a bit earlier tonight.

H has definitely been showing signs of teething as she had some bloody dribble and you can see the white of the gum, and a bit protruding out where the tooth is. Still she is a good baby all she wants is extra cuddles. Like father like daughter, she is rather laid back. We were up at the hospital for five hours on Wednesday as I had to go to pre-op. She was amazing, she kept quiet and when people came over to pull faces and chat to her she would chat back and laugh. One nurse said she thinks she will be forward when she's older. Another said she should be a model as she has the perfect baby face. I agreed... Not biased at all!!

We also discovered how H was managing to get to the top of the bed when our backs were turned. Its not quite crawling (she isn't even 5 months yet so I don't expect her to do it until she is ready!) What she does is uses her knees to push herself forward to get what she wants. She hasn't realised yet that if she used her arms as well she would make her life easier!

Because she will be five months this month and has been draining most of her bottles and looking for more, after seeking advice, and also realising we can't hold her off much longer we decided tonight to try her with some baby rice. She didn't spit it out, hardly made a mess (although she was trying to get her hands in the bowl!) and grabbed the spoon to give herself some more! I think we can call it a success. Its such a hard life being a baby and having your every need looked after lol!

The only thing I worry about with weaning her is her reflux. Is that going to cause problems and how are we going to get the gaviscon down her if it is! I think its a case of time will tell.

Oh and this morning I was woken up to a brilliant surprise. A beautiful delicate ring with 12 diamonds and 18 carat white gold eternity ring engrave with xx love you xx. Choked me up, as the hub has know how long I have wanted one, mainly because my wedding ring is giving me an allergic reaction at the moment and some days my rings fit and others not. So it seems like the start of a good weekend.

Trying to get round to planning a games night soon. Won't be a long one though as I haven't got the stamina and it all depends if  I can get down the stairs or not! I have a pain clinic assessment next week so hopefully they will sort some better medication for the back out so I can ditch the wheelchair!

I think I have rattled on enough for now so I'm going to go!

Decisions

Time seems to have gotten away from me yet again. So it has been a few days since I last posted!

H is teething so at night time she has to have cuddles to fall asleep. Today she took the dummy for all of five minutes before spitting it out and having a hissy fit because shes over tired. D after a few attempts with the roundabout right outside where we live managed to get her to the docs about her rash. They said thrush. I however am not convinced, but I am not a doctor so will wait and see if the cream helps.

D as ever has been an amazing supportive husband. We did have a good anniversary and he surprised me by bringing my home flowers and chocolates even though we had already exchanged presents. Got a fantastic card off my mum with two camper vans on, if you have seen our dinning room you would understand why this is so apt. We both have a bit of an obsession with camper vans!

But going back to the title the decision is do I stay in Plymouth or move back to Swindon where I have a support network who could help me with H during the day. Also there is a house opposite my mother that's for rent. Seems kind of ideal. Except for night time, that's when I need the most help when I have taken all the tablets of an evening its impossible for me to get to the bathroom on my own without falling down as has already been proven.

However, I don't want to leave Plymouth. Here with the cheaper rent we can save up for a deposit on a house. Here I am settled and the thought of moving again makes me shudder. Plus all my appointments are on the go here and I remember from when I first spoke to a GP over here you cant just transfer everything over.

I would probably have to start again. Meaning being at the bottom of the waiting list for having my gallbladder out, which also means re-qualifying for the psoriasis and psoratic arthritis drug.  Plus waiting longer for pain management. I don't want to be a weekend wife I remember how hard that was last time. I also remember how hard it was on D. We didn't have H in the equation then.

Personally I don't think it would benefit me or H to do that. So I guess you could say my minds already made up. But its not really, as I may have no choice. If I can't cope then I will have to go. I just feel that a week ago before I got this cold I was getting there, I felt able to do more things, unless we went out I didn't use the wheelchair. Even then depending on the length of the walk as long as I had something to lean on I didn't need it.

The reason for that is we seem to have found a balance as far as painkillers are concerned. Now I know that I can't stay on these for ever because of the risk of addiction and the fact that after a while they will eventually not work as well.

This is only supposed to be temporary though. I am seeing a neuro surgeon Wednesday and I am going to make a point of asking what can be done and asking if I need to get myself admitted in to hospital before they take action!

I also have an MRI of my hips again. Now when I see that idiot consultant again I am going to tell him if he doesn't know what it is to do a biopsy. After getting really upset and in a state earlier I have got my fight back.

I will see how our visit from the naval personal family service goes. Depending on that I will whilst D is here try to take care of H as if he isn't here so that I know if I can cope or not.

After getting off the phone to my mum and speaking to D and feeling like I had to move I decided stuff it. I told D to give me the bottle I would feed H. Not only did I do that but I gave her a top and tail bath, not that successful the madam managed to pee all over me and be sick three times. Meaning I had to re-wash her a lot. I then gave her a massage with lavender baby oil which she seemed to enjoy.

Then I put her to bed. Admittedly my back is hurting alot. But I would rather that than go to Swindon at the moment. My happiness is here. But I am just not sure if that's the right decision anymore. I guess the only way to figure this out is to try it in Plymouth for a while and if it doesnt work go back to Swindon. Yes I risk that house across the road being gone but after mulling it over and talking with D for hours this seems like the best way to do it so that I dont sit in Swindon a month or so down the line feeling better and thinking what if.

I think this is almost one of the hardest decisions for me to make, there are so many pros and cons for both.

My Guilty Pleasure - Retail Therapy

I have to say it. I must be a typical woman. When your down there is nothing better than a bit of retail therapy!! Especially when you get some bargains.

I had decided to make my way down the stairs. Whilst down there I knew I needed to get out of the house and it not be just for an appointment. So we decided to go to Tesco. D had a voucher for £5 off when you spent £50.

Well lets just say we definitely spent that. Originally I was just going to get a few books and a few more grows and vests in the next size up for H. Seriously though who can resist pretty dresses and dungarees when they are half price.

My husband seems to be a Jeans man. It always tickles me that whenever we go to a clothing shock in deep surprise he will say oh they stock my size. Every time, talk about gold fish memory. Well I did a deal if he wanted new jeans he could have them on the provision of chucking some of his old 8 yes 8 pairs away. Which reminds me I need to get him to actually chuck a pair away.

Hubby cracks me up if a top has a hole in he doesn't want it chucked because, well its a comfy top. If it has a stain on it.. He has a fair few of those then they are saved for decorating. Even though we have done all the decorating we intend to do before we move out. You see we are in married quarters and I would rather not spend a fortune on decorating it to have to put it back to square one in a year to 2 years!

Anyway, I am a pj girl at the moment. Considering I spend most of my time in my bedroom and when my skin is flared, they are the comfiest things to wear. So how could I resist when I saw some bright yellow sponge bob square pants pj's in the sale, in my size. That in my books is a sign. All my husband had to say on the matter was, they were that bright he would feel like the light was on even when he had turned it off humph!!

One thing that does annoy me though is how difficult it is to shop. I have to hold on to H in the wheel chair and D puts big bags for life on the back and fills them up, that's the only way we know how to do it at the moment. H loves it as she can see so much more than she can in her pushchair. But I do get annoyed when people come up and start touching her. I think its a bit rude!

So we left Tescos a lot lighter, with far to many clothes for H. And a few more clothes for ourselves. I don't know whether this would be seen as a good or bad thing but my hubby is better at picking clothes out for me than I am. But not always great at picking stuff out for himself!

So what do you do when your feeling down and want to cheer yourself up?