A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?