One day at a time.

I think right now the only way I can deal with the things happening in my life is to take it one day at a time. But I am finding even that difficult, I know I am being impaitent and wanting everything fixed now but wouldnt you?

Everyday since my breakdown if I haven't taken a diazipam which I am supposed to be getting weaned off in the next few weeks I'm inconsolable. I hyperventilate, I blame myself for things that I have/had no control over. I am normally a logical person but on days like that I am illogical.

There is an Anastacia song and some of the lyrics really really say it all 'I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired'

No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say
I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired

Doesn't it just sum it up completely. Don't get me wrong I had my fairy tale wedding, but not a fairy tale ending. When I had H, there was so much I was going to do with her. Now though I can only feed her once a day because it hurts to much and I am normally asleep all the time as well.

My heart feels broken because as I said to my mum and husband tonight when we were having a conversation, I feel guilty all the time. I feel like I am bringing them down with me and its not fair. They are having to do what I should be doing.

I feel guilty about the miscarriage that I had before H. The reason for this is I was convinced I was pregnant but when I took the test it was negative. So that day we went to the fun fair I went on all the rides and then the next night me and hub went out and got absolutely bladdered. It was from that night I started to cramp. A day or so later hub left on deployment. Two days after he had gone I started to bleed and there it was. I got it confirmed by the doctors. I originally didn't want to tell the oh but he knew something was up and wouldn't give in. So I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have, according to some, but it was my decision and I had just moved to a city where I didn't have one friend who I could cry on I was on my own apart from when my mum came down just after we found out.

 A certain person rang, and said I should be happy because I 'dont have to deal with it now'. It hurt at the time, in fact it still hurts now. I will never forget the careless comment but I will move on.As it is history and needs and must.

 Its only tonight I realised that I never really grieved sure I cried but that was mainly because I was worried about the hubby who was miles and miles away unable to be here and I knew it would hit him hard. So I felt like I had to be strong and put on a brave face and that's exactly what I did. Maybe I put on too brave a face.

At that time we were having problems getting things sorted out in the Masonite we were living in because the company we went with were useless and it took them well over a year to refund our deposit. So I was dealing with all of that then hub got home we decided to try for a baby. Got pregnant straight away and then we were offered a draft in Cyprus. It was ideal because our lease was coming up I could stay with my mum for two weeks and then jet off to the high life.

The week before we were due to fly out I passed out. That night the hub phoned me told me he was coming to see me in Swindon as he was to go and talk to his boss the next day at 12. His boss wasn't there, hub looked on the system and realised we weren't going to Cyprus. Long story short I was stuck apart from my husband for four month before they got us accommodation. There was never a real explanation and never an apology.

Then the car broke down. In fact its now off roaded and we intend to scrap it, we spent far to much money on it its not worth it any more. Then the computer broke. Then just before Christmas our account got defrauded by £300 which took a while to claim back.

Then cherry on the cake for Christmas was we got pulled over. It appeared we had no insurance, because we paid by direct debit and didn't have a reminder we didn't realise. It was a genuine mistake. So the car got impounded theres £250 and i think the fine was nearly £300.

So you think when we finally get to Plymouth start getting settled things would get better, nope. I was a high risk pregnancy. I had high platelets meaning I was liable for blood clots. I could barley walk and have since found out after an MRI which was taken about 3 months after having H and having had physio. I really should have been in a wheelchair. Luckily now because I am its finally starting to close its not as serve as it was but still there.

Then we get told H is deaf in one ear. My dad has cancer. I need my gallbladder out and a spine operation. Plus I need to find out whats happening to my body. Everyday is the same. I sleep I read I spend time with H and hub then its time for bed. I am not living, I am merely existing.

I have blamed myself for H being deaf in one ear, but logically know that's not my fault. I feel guilty for not doing more. I feel guilty for crying and worrying everyone else.I feel guilty because my Dad was upset that he can't do more,but firstly he lives too far away and secondly he is too ill, so I feel guilty for making him feel guilty.I then feel like a stupid cow because there are people out there worse off than me, but this hasn't just been one tiny things this has been a combination and finally I have exploded and its hard to stop.

 I blame myself for my back problems because I  honestly believe it happened in labour because the epidural had numbed my legs and trust me only my legs they kept telling me to hoist myself up the bed, I didn't have any help in moving about. So I think I should have demanded a c-section, especially when the consultant turned round and said if what he thinks is wrong with H's ears is right it was probably the labour that caused her to be deaf.

So no I can't smile that much at the moment. Although I am trying soo hard to see the light, to find things to look forward to, but its near impossible. I can sit and give advice to my friends but I think its a case that its difficult to swallow your own medicine.

What really bugged me though was when I got slagged off for not going around a mates house as much as they came round here. Hang on a minute, I can't walk to the bathroom so getting down the stairs is like climbing mount Everest and the same with the steps outside the house. Long car journeys do me no  good because it causes the pain in my hips and back so its impossible. I just wish people would just stop and think for a minute before making judgements. Just because you can't physically see whats happening inside my body you shouldn't make judgements. But unfortunately that is today's society if you see a miss behaving kid you blame the parents, you never stop for one minute to think wait hang on there could be something wrong which is not his or his or her parents fault.

We English love to complain and I know all I have done is moan and droan in this particular blog. But I will leave it on a good note, when H saw me upset earlier she held her arms out to me for a cuddle i picked her up she put her arms round her neck and nuzzled her head in to my neck as if to say its going to be ok. I know it is, I know that because I have found out those who are real friends, plus my mum and husband couldn't do anymore than they already are.

Also for those of you who actually read the whole of my blogs, thank you. Especially those that comment. It means a lot to me right now, and it gives me faith back that people care, even when its someone they don't know personally.

This my family, is whats keeping me going. I love them more than words can ever say.

A very hard post to write and click publish- warning its a long one

I am writing this, yet wondering whether or not to post it. I feel if I do it may or may not make me feel better I suppose its a gamble.

Basically a day ago I had a breakdown, still feeling teary today but the drugs are allowing me to almost take a step back, and sleep, even though I was doing a lot of that before. I am now a day on from writing this post and all I can see is I feel numb. I can't see the positive in anything at the moment. Also if I am honest I am scared about whats happening to my body.

To have no control over it when I have an attack, well it takes a lot of strength to smile and make jokes with my husband. I thought I was coping. I thought we all were.

However, its all the little things that lead to one big crash and burn. My regular readers will know that I am due a spine operation and I am having my gallbladder out. They will also know about the fact that my leg and arms randomly seem to have fits.

Due to the pain in my back, and even more so the side affect of the tablets meaning I sleep nearly all the time. I don't feel like a hands on parent with H. I feel like I am stuck on the sidelines watching whilst everyone else brings her up. The most I can do for her at the moment is when she is having a bad night is to get her to sleep on my chest and do one feed. Just doing those small things does put me in agony, but I'm beginning to wonder if its the emotional or the physical pain that is worse right now.

I am in a catch 22, the more depressed I become the more I will feel the pain. The more I will need to sleep. The more I almost feel like a zombie. However, it's the pain that's getting me down, that and feeling like a failure. Which on a good day I know isn't true, we have the most content little girl. Always happy and giggling, and always has a smile and a snuggle for her mummy.

It wasn't to bad because D was on comp leave and I knew me and H were in safe hands. Because at this present moment in time I can't get to the bathroom due to the pain and the fact that it would seem the more I use my legs or arms the more fits I have. So now I even have to be taken in my wheel chair to the bathroom, well pretty much anywhere really.

We have a service in the navy called npfs. Now in the past they have been helpful. Although more than a few mistakes have been made.

After some supposed friends treated me like shit I felt down enough. Then we had something that we thought could potentially be good news, D could try and get a draft in commutable distance from Swindon. There is a house for rent opposite my mum. Which would mean that D could go to work without either of us stressing.Thats more than likely not possible now due to the lack of work ethic of our case worker.

So our caseworker who was gobsmacked that we'd done our homework as we want D to go back to work but both know that it wont work at the moment with out me having help. So she says she will speak to drafty and give us a ring the next day. We heard nothing by 12ish so D got on the phone to be told she was out to lunch. He rang an hour later to be told she had left for the day and wasn't going to be in till the Thursday, this was on Tuesday.

I don't know about D but I was starting to despair at this point. When ever she has promised something its never happened. Whenever she has asked for dates of appointments to be passed on to D's boss it's never happened. So now I'm angry upset and feeling pretty lost in a whole range of emotions and tell D I want a different case worker someone who can actually do their job!

So Thursday comes D rings her after leaving several messages for her to call him with an update. When he gets through she replies that she has been waiting for drafty to get in touch with her but she will chase her up and ring D straight back. D then points out that I have been given new tablets to try which will make me sleepier and then I am to have steroid epidural in my spine the following week, so him being back at work isn't going to be practical. Bear in mind here she has sat and told us there is no limit on compassionate leave, unless they have proof that there is no need for it. A month later she is telling us you can only have two weeks compassionate leave. She said to leave it with her and she would see what she could do. Once again she promised to call straight back. Time went on and no phone call and once again she had left for the day.
So its Friday morning and D picks up the phone leaving several messages yet again. When he finally gets through to someone he is told she is on leave till the 31st. He requests a different case worker and explains the situation to be told there is nothing they can do because the person who can change the case worker is out the office.

In utter despair D goes to his boss and explains the situation. His boss tells him he has to be back in work on Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that I can't walk and get to the bathroom but hey lets not forget H! That's it que snot monster, utter despair. It feels like a black hole has swallowed me up in and I am drowning in it. I can't control the crying and I keep hyperventalating. Screaming and shouting. It's exhausting, its pulling me further down in to this hole and I can't stop.

Hub phones my mum in a panic, upset, unsure of what to do. This is affecting everyone now. My mum rings me, can't understand a word I am saying and tells my hubby to get the doctor out. He didn't come out but told me to take more diazipam over the next few days and to up my antidepressants. So two diaziapam later and a sneak irish hot chocolate I managed 5 hours of blissful sleep with no dreams that I remember of.

You see the dreams I have been having recently are horrid. To horrid that I don't even want to write them down here. There is a funny side to one of my dreams I was dreaming I was on a boat that was sinking and my hubby didn't have a life jacket. I spot one but its stuck under something. I keep pulling, realising hang on someones pulling back. Manage to wake up and realise I have been trying to take my husbands pillow from under him!

Rock bottom has been hit. So surely if I have hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I just have to wait for someone to throw me a ladder and torch to get me out of this dark hole. Where all my thoughts are negative. I try to function like nothings wrong. I laugh in the right places but most of the time, I am not listening anymore. I have fallen prey to self pity which is stupid because, there are people out their that are so worse off than me, and hopefully most if not all of my problems can be fixed. Its just going to take time. Time that I feel is precious for me and H but I am missing out on.

Luckily my mum is coming down for two weeks, after that who knows. I so don't want to go to Swindon but I think in between appointments and when mum can make it here or not, I have no choice. I hate that. I hate being a weekend wife. I know D will hate being a weekend dad and hubby, you see its so much easier when hes on deployment. Its the knowing that he will be going home each night and I might not be there that's killing me if I am being totally honest! But  maybe a week away from him looking after me and H may do him good, because if anyone deserves a medal its him. He is my rock. He is my world and I would be lost without him.

I feel numb today. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone, because after all its been proved that everyone has a hidden side and that I am a bad judge of character picking out the people who will only ever do me harm.

This has been the hardest few months of my life but with H around some of the best, its so mixed up. There are days that I cant even hold my baby girl because of the pain. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel useless, worthless. Almost to the point of whats the point in me being here. But I would never do anything stupid because my love for my daughter and husband is too strong. I may just be existing and not living at the moment. But I hope and pray that one day they will help me live again.

I guess I just have to try and hope. Which at the moment I don't. No one apart from two consultants have actually listened and taken me seriously. The leg and arm fits are nothing to do with the discs that are causing problems. So that means its something else. That scares me, because what is it?

D-Day = Disaster day.

We went to the hospital today as explained in my earlier post d-day. We were full of hope that finally we would have some answers and I could begin to get on the road to recovery.

When we first got there we were led into a room with an assessment couch. H was being as good as gold and being her flirty little self! I was asked to get on to the couch where he could then asses my mobility. With much difficulty I got out of the chair and on to the couch.

The last few days have been particularly bad to the point where even with my walking frame last night, my legs gave way and I ended up in a heap on the floor.

So he pulled and twisted, and I felt like I was being torn from limb to limb crying and telling him yes that does blinking hurt! But he would repeat it more than worse leaving me in tears and biting back from screaming. After doing his examination he got me to sit on the couch and tested my reflexes, which as I have been told before are a bit weakened.

He then when down the line of questioning saying have I lost control of my bowel or bladder. Did I have any numbness.. No... Been down this road before.

So he asks me to stand up. Bare in mind I can hardly stand and I am wobbling even holding on to my chair and the bed he then asks me to stand on tip toes. Nope not going to happen. So he tells me to sit down.

Good bloody job really. I'm sat fighting back the tears because the pain he has just put me through, I know for a fact is going to set me back by days. He then turns around and says he doesn't believe its my hip that's the problem but my back. The reason for this is because my right hip is hurting and  nothing showed on the right hand side just the left.

So he says it may not be Avascular Necrosis, water on or in the bone, cant remember which apparently can be caused by a few things. So he suggests pain management and physiotherapy. Even after saying he DOESN'T think that what the MRI showed on my back should be causing this many problems as it wasn't seen to be pressing on the nerves.

I explained to him that I have gone from only having to use crutches on a bad day, to having to use a walking frame everyday. To now not being able to walk even to the toilet and having to use a wheel chair. That my legs and arms shake and spasm like mad and I cant control them when they are like that. That the back pain has worsened as well as the feeling of weakness in my legs. Could it be the disk has slipped further and is now affecting the nerves.

Oh well we use surgery on the back as a last resort. HELLO WHO MENTIONED WANTING SURGERY?! I JUST WANT ANSWERS! But his response was that even though I have deteriorated and am thoroughly depressed and struggle to manage with H and the hub cant keep taking time off work. Well I the only way to tell if the disk has slipped further is an MRI, I don't believe I can justify that. If you cant cope then you should phone social services.

Good job I'm depressed and stuck in a wheel chair because I would have bloody thumped the stupid idiot. After saying he didn't think it was avascular necrosis, he then contradicts himself. Well it very well could be the beginnings of it, it does look like it. I will order another MRI for your hips for a few months time and then come back and see me in 3 months so we can see if we think it is that!

Well it either is or it isn't. By this point I needed to get out of there. So I asked the other half for my handbag. I turned to him and said I want a second opinion from a neuro surgeon someone who deals with backs and nerves. Oh well you are entitled to that of course but don't expect to get a different answer. I doubt he will send you for another MRI but if he does that's his choice. Make your bloody mind up!!

So I left the hospital a crying snot monster. Took some painkillers and managed to sleep for 3 hours. I am awake again now and things look bleak. We had rung the GP to get them out but was told they only do visits for the elderly. Talk about ageist! What about the disabled?? I cant get to the toilet let alone down the stairs. So then the story was changed to that she isn't in today when I was told by Dr herself that the only day she had off was Friday.

I am supposed to have fasting bloods and an appointment at the docs but I know I wont make it. I have an appointment to see the gallbladder surgeon tomorrow, and I will be saving my energy for that.

I think when the doctor comes out I will have to get my anti depressants increased. I have lost the fight in me. I have got to the stage where if it wasn't for H and D I would just want to go sleep and not wake up. I don't see the point in fighting anymore. The book keeps getting passed around and I am left with no answers. No one seems to care that I have a young baby that I cant pick up because of this. That I am stuck in a bed and have to use a wheel chair.

I cant stop sobbing I really thought that today I would finally get some answers that today was the day that I would finally move forward. How very wrong. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I cant find a way to climb back up.

The only option I see left is to either get myself admitted in to hospital to get things moving faster. Or pay for a private consultation, but what use is that if they can't get the notes or results of my MRI not sure how it works. Guess I will have to ask doc tomorrow. I know she is reluctant to allow me to continue on my pain meds, but even they only just keep it at bay so how the hell am I supposed to cope if they take them away.

Here's the list of problems:
Uncontrollable leg shaking (sometimes in both legs, mainly when standing)
Uncontrollable shaking in the arm
Feverish
Hot flushes
Blurred vision in one eye
Double vision
Tingling in arms which leads to pins and needles and eventual numbness in hands
Vibrating sensation in my spine, legs and feet
Constantly tired and fatigued
Dizziness
Nausea
Spine and Neck spasms
Never feel like my bladder is completely empty
Some days cant lift my feet up leaving me unable to walk
Weakness from thigh down
Bleeding from my bum
Stomach ache separate from gallstones
Persistent back ache, which only eases when laying down
Pain deep in buttock
Cant sit for longer than 15 minutes
Cant stand for longer than 3-4 minutes...
Cramps in front and back of legs

I don't think I have left anything out. There is no point in telling me to keep my chin up. Its easier said than done. This has got out of control. I feel like no one is listening, almost as if they think I am just a hypochondriac I'm not I would much rather be playing with my baby girl. Going for walks with her and my husband. Being able to live a normal family life. Instead I am left like this. What the hell am I supposed to do. Where am I going to find the courage to continue to fight this? Should I just give up and accept my fate that I may possibly be able to walk properly again?

Why should I do physio and pain management when they don't know what the problem is? Surely physio will make things worse just as it did last time. I know physio hurts for a while whilst doing it. But surely it isn't supposed to deteriorate your condition? That's what happened. Why should I have any faith left? If someone could please just give me an answer..

My dad has offered to kindly pay for a private consultant appointment. But if its anything like the nhs will anything get done?

Emotionally drained.

Bear with me on this post. I think I am trying to make sense as to why I feel worse right now.

Yesterday I went to the hosp with the oh whilst my mum looked after H. My appointment yesterday was with occupational therapy, for those who don't know what they do,  they basically provide aids and ideas to help you be a little more independent when disabled.

The woman was lovely. Did feel sorry for her as she was the only rheumatologist ot in the department, ridiculous and probably due to cuts. Any way she gave me two different types of supports for my wrists one with metal in and one without. As the metal ones are to restricting to do certain things i.e. use my crutches.

Then as we were talking it was obvious that I needed tuby grip for my knees, the reason for this they have really flared and are swollen. Normally I would go to the rheumy nurse, however, like the ot said not much point as until I have been seen by the surgeons no-one is going to touch me with a barge pole for fear of making things worse.

So then it was also decided that one of those things that picks stuff up off the floor would be useful. Bit grannified to me, but I can live with that.




So then she also comes back with a sponge on a stick, for when I am in the shower. God this is getting worse by the moment. So she then also says a bath board will come in handy because I can't get in and out the bath which is where the shower is at the moment. So means I will be able to have a shower sitting. Then she also suggested us getting a second banister rail installed so we are getting on to the modern housing solution team.

Then came the absolute crippling, wish the ground would open up and swallow me moment. And I am so going to blame my husband. He's talking about how I can't use my crutches that often at the moment and how getting about the house, even though at the moment its mainly from the bed to the bathroom, is difficult. Especially after I have taken my medication, I get spaced, my limbs go like jelly. I also have another problem with my legs which I will get on to in a moment.

So I am sat there and the hubby turns to me and says 'I am sorry babe but needs to be done..' turns back towards the ot, she replies with a knowing look. I am oblivious to whats coming next. She says 'I know what you are going to say, was just thinking myself a walking frame'.

As she goes off to get said 'walking frame' I don't know whether to bloody laugh or cry. I don't know whether to kiss my hubby or kill him. Confused and feeling I suppose shallow, I know I don't want it. Just like some of us don't want glasses, but I also know in my heart of hearts I need it.

She then gives us a leaflet and tells my husband that he needs to get me a wheel chair so that once a week I can get some fresh air and get out the house. I feel like its a new low. Its been a long time coming, but I don't feel I have the fight left in me anymore.

So I get back home, Mum is outside the front door giving moral support, by trying not to wet herself laughing. As we were browsing through the catalogue mum and me were making a joke of things. Trying to lighten the mood and it worked. Especially when she turned around and said. 'Its ok Em, Will get you some tinsel for Christmas to put around it!!'

So that set me thinking. I do want to liven it up a bit, personalise it. Make a joke of it, whatever, something whereby when I look at it I don't feel like an 80year old. Before I could ask any of my friends someone who I speak to on BritishForcesSweethearts, a website I have used since being with my husband, asked if she could make some crochet flowers for it to tie on.

Now I have never met this girl in my life. When I had my baby girl she sent me a beautiful blanket that she made herself. And now, even though she has her own problems going on she wants to do something like that to cheer me up! It once again made me smile. Especially when one of my other friends said that we should all get mobility scooters and race one another. Dealing with this via humour is the best way.

But I still have moments where I cry, and I sob, with big fat snotty tears running down my face as I try to explain to my husband how humiliating this feels right now. A week or so ago a new symptom started. My leg jerks uncontrollably can be from a few seconds to nearly half an hour. Now to start with it was only when putting weight on it. But has since happened when I have been laid down.

Its soul destroying to think that you have absolutely no control over your body. It took me nearly half an hour to get to the bathroom which is pretty much opposite our room last night. Because both legs were jerking uncontrollably and my hub had to keep catching me before I fell.

I told him last night I would understand if he wanted to leave. Whilst our vows were for better or worse. I don't think either of us envisaged something like this happening, especially so young and before our first anniversary.

Moving on to today. The Father in law was coming down, so hubby helped me in and out of the shower, washing my hair for me, because I couldn't even lift my shoulders that high. Then dressing me. You would never guess I am 24 by the way things are going. So I slowly made my way downstairs and used my frame to get about.

After about 15mins of my father in law showing up, I had to excuse myself to take painkillers. Knowing that that's me done now for a few days. So again I am led in bed, alone. Wondering and waiting what time the hubby will be up. Feeling lonely and very sorry for myself. I cant blame him we have company. I kept apologising to the hubby worrying that his dad would think i am being rude or ignorant.

So later on the hub came up to have a fag with me and said that he had said to his dad did he have a problem with me being up here. His reply was no, why is she feeling left out? Other half said yes. To start with I was like no that's not what I was getting at. But now once again with too much time on my hands I am realising yes that is a problem, I am being left out of a lot of things at the moment. Because I can't do them

I'm going to leave it there because I feel like I am going to really sob again soon. I hope the anti depressants kick in soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of the reason that I have to stay with it and get better...

Little H aand the hospital

For those of you who don't know about  a month or so ago we found out that Little H was deaf in her left ear. To start with I was completely devastated. But the more I thought about it the more I realised, she will know no different.

Also when we look at how well shes doing it would seem apparent that her right ear more than compensates for this loss. Anyway today we had an appointment with the consultant to discuss what would happen next. We had already been told that the type of loss that H has a normal hearing aide wont help. The aid that they could use is called a bone ( i think).

Basically this bone has a little box which goes underneath her bad ear and goes across her head like a head band in to her good ear. Now this leaves me and the hubby with a bit of a dilemma. Will having the bone really help? If her right ear is compensating for the left ear and doing a good job whats the point? Also having something like that on her when she starts school will only draw attention to her and make her a potential victim to bullying- we all know what kids can be like.

So we were just beginning to pick ourselves back up from all that's happened in the past few months. Me facing potential hip replacement, needing my gallbladder out. Suffering from serve psoriasis and serve psoriatic arthritis and having disc disease (along with a bulging disc) in my back, which at the moment has left me bed bound and I think understandably depressed.

However, I was dealing ok with everything and was looking forward to H's appointment to learn more about it and what it may mean for her growing up. I certainly didn't see the blow that was about to come. I sat there and listened as the consultant said we need to have a CT scan for her because of the fact it could be that her ears didn't develop properly.

If that shows up positive then it means that simple knock to her head could leave her completely deaf. Considering a few weeks ago I had said to the hubby that I would worry about her having a knock to the head for this reason I am convinced it will show positive.

It felt like someone had punched me in the chest, all the air seemed to leave my body. I couldn't say anything. I was then further upset when he said that if it was positive it could be that in labour she suffered a trauma to her head that could have caused the deafness in her left ear.

How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?  I asked for a c-section which I will explain in another post and was denied it, but I never thought it. So I left the hospital in floods of tears blaming myself. I know realistically that it isn't my fault, but that is how he made me feel.

Also he asked how the pregnancy had been and I explained that I had been prescribed anti-biotics and when my spd got bad, paracetamol and codeine. The look that I got said it all. Thanks alot mate. It was a GP that prescribed me and told me it was ok to take.

So now, we have to sit and wait. We have also been told that if she doesn't sleep during the CT scan then they will have to put her under general anesthetic. I can't describe how gutted I am. I know we haven't got the results yet and she maybe just fine. But if she isn't how do I cope with the constant fear of her having a knock to the head.

Kids will be kids in the playground, and when she starts learning to walk she will fall. I have decided that if the test is positive me and the hubby will learn sign language and teach it to her, so that if the worst is to happen she can still communicate.

I feel like its a ticking time bomb, and perhaps so am I. How much crap is one person supposed to take?! I know this doesn't just affect me it affects the hubby and H. But H will know no different. And the hubby seems to take these things in his stride. I however am finding it a little more difficult.

I feel like I have to be careful when playing with her and putting her down in case something happens and she loses her hearing. Really feel lost and confused. I have stopped sobbing, and have calmed down. Its the waiting that gets me.

What he also said to us was that we would be more likely to have a deaf child than any other person as we already have one, even though it may not be genetic. Also there was a comment that we would have to be more careful. What the HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! I wish I hadn't have been feeling so low as I would love to know what he meant by that. What could I possibly do to stop that happening??

Please keep your fingers crossed that the scan comes back negative and that she manages to sleep without needing a general anesthetic.

But for now she is happy and giggling, she was even laughing at the consultant. Wish I had her frame of mind today!!

Hair Loss

I have been suffering with psoriasis for a few years now. And with it on my skin I have come to terms with it, and I tend to find that if I am comfortable with how my skin is less people comment on it, the only explanation I can think of for that is if it doesn't bother me it somehow becomes less visible.
But about two or three years ago my skin, nails and scalp got really bad with the psoriasis and I lost about three nails and I lost some of my hair. I used bandannas and material headbands to cover it and put on a brave face but inside it was one of the hardest things at the time that I had to deal with. You see I'm not exactly a small girl and my hair and nails had always been something I was very proud of so to lose that was a BIG deal.
Well after having H as expected my skin flared, and I started malting hair- which is normal after pregnancy. But last night as I was reading my book I had run my hand through my hair to keep it out my face and was left with a clump of it in my hand. I know its the psoriasis I have felt how bad its getting in my scalp. The lotions and potions they give me don't work for whatever reason. The frustrating thing is that they have said I am entitled to a new drug, it has took me years to agree to go on it. But my joints and skin have reached a stage where I know I need to start on the stronger stuff. Then my bloods came back and my liver count was high, that combined with stomach ache- which I had just put down as my body going back to normal, meant gallstones.
I was then told that until my gallbladder has been removed they can't and won't start me on this new treatment, but that I could start on UV light treatment until it worked. Sadly though at the moment as I can barely make it to the toilet let alone down the stairs the UV treatment will have to wait. Although that won't help the scalp and nails anyway.
So now I am sat here praying that on top of everything else I have going off I don't end up with a bald patch again. As a woman I find it hard to bear, it makes me feel unattractive, and the skin can do that do. Especially seems as after breastfeeding I got psoriasis on my nipples of all places! So all I can do for now is continue to use the shampoo and pray and hope that my hair slows down on falling out, i think right now I couldn't bear that.
Its difficult enough as it is in the mornings to get up, the pain is unbearable when I am tired. I feel sick, dizzy, tired and in huge amounts of pain and days like this make it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know its there.. Its just really faint at the moment.

Bad Day

Well to start with this morning I made it down the stairs. I managed to feed H, but then I was in agony and had to retreat back to bed and take painkillers. Its frustrating. I'm finding it so hard being upstairs and when I hear H laugh or cry not being there, or being able to go down to her. Because I know if I do I will make it worse and I need to get better for her.
I started taking the anti depressants last week but at the moment they aren't really doing anything. I have days where I feel numb, like I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream. I just want to see the surgeons now and at least know what the plan of action is. I know this is going to be a long road to recovery, and I do know that I will get there I just find it hard some days to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The one thing that keeps me going at the moment is H, seeing her little face light up and hearing her laugh. I have to say that baby laughter is like medicine, no matter how bad you feel it makes you smile.
I worry about the future to. If I am like this at 24 what am I going to be like in 10years time. I have a daughter who is my world and all I want to do is be able to play with her, feed her and care for her. At the moment I struggle to walk to the bathroom let alone pick H up.
I also feel bad for my husband. He is the one at the moment that is left to pick up the pieces, hes the one who on a bad day gets it in the neck. Whilst we said for better or worse and in sickness and in health, I don't think either of us signed up for this. I feel unbelievably lucky to have him. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband. He tells me he loves my stretchmarks because they are my war wounds and when my skins bad he still sees me for me and tells me I am beautiful. How many women can honestly say they have that?!