Holiday Night One

So we arrived safely in Skegness, I was glad the journey had ended. I think H and D were also relieved.

So everyone said their hellos and gave H cuddles and kisses. For the most part of the afternoon she was fine if not a little off colour but I suppose with her jabs that's to be expected. However, when A went to pick her up from her chair she started screaming and crying. There was no consoling her. It took me half an hour to calm her down.

I tried to give her calpol, admittedly she spat a fair bit back at me, can't blame her the bloody stuff is awful. Finally she settled a little and I managed to feed her a bit, she started falling asleep. Great I think only half an hour behind schedule.

The word jinx comes to mind, as well as minx. My back was spasming my legs were jerking out of control. I was ready  to cry. I was also worried that H was going to puke everywhere with the bouncing about. Nope seems she enjoyed that.

So after ten minutes of sleep the minx is wide awake again. In between trying to figure where we are going to fit the travel cot and making our bed up she is flitting from crying to laughing. Dribbling, pulling on her ears, biting at anything in site. Yup, definitely a teething baby.

So its 10 o'clock now we have put her in her travel cot, not that that's going to deter her from having a good night! She is happily squealing kicking her legs up and down in the air and moving about and punching her arms out.

So time to see if a warm bottle may make her sleepy. Although I will now be passing the reigns over to daddy as mummy needs to take her tablets. I'm beginning to wonder if doing this journey was the right thing to do.

I will give it a day or so and depending on how I feel, and how H is we may just have to cut it short. It seems to me the only thing that's helping with the spasming of arms and legs and persistent pain, is pretty much total bed rest. Which is completely gutting. I don't want to go home but fear if this carries on I will have no choice but to!

This can't go on. I won't be able to look after H on my own if this doesn't get sorted soon. Rather than getting upset about it. I'm starting to get really mad at the nhs at the fact that if you want something done quick you have to pay. Most of the time its an nhs doctor your paying, so in essence your jumping the queue, it would seem that if you have the money you get better treatment.

Bad Day

Well to start with this morning I made it down the stairs. I managed to feed H, but then I was in agony and had to retreat back to bed and take painkillers. Its frustrating. I'm finding it so hard being upstairs and when I hear H laugh or cry not being there, or being able to go down to her. Because I know if I do I will make it worse and I need to get better for her.
I started taking the anti depressants last week but at the moment they aren't really doing anything. I have days where I feel numb, like I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream. I just want to see the surgeons now and at least know what the plan of action is. I know this is going to be a long road to recovery, and I do know that I will get there I just find it hard some days to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The one thing that keeps me going at the moment is H, seeing her little face light up and hearing her laugh. I have to say that baby laughter is like medicine, no matter how bad you feel it makes you smile.
I worry about the future to. If I am like this at 24 what am I going to be like in 10years time. I have a daughter who is my world and all I want to do is be able to play with her, feed her and care for her. At the moment I struggle to walk to the bathroom let alone pick H up.
I also feel bad for my husband. He is the one at the moment that is left to pick up the pieces, hes the one who on a bad day gets it in the neck. Whilst we said for better or worse and in sickness and in health, I don't think either of us signed up for this. I feel unbelievably lucky to have him. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband. He tells me he loves my stretchmarks because they are my war wounds and when my skins bad he still sees me for me and tells me I am beautiful. How many women can honestly say they have that?!