At Last!!

I think I may finally after all these month just possibly, hold my breath and cross my fingers be getting somewhere. After having to pay £250 for a 15 minute consultation (Thank you so so much dad!!) Which my husband worked out at roughly £17 a minute... Maybe I need to think about a new career ha ha!!

But getting back on to the subject yesterday was the day, again. I didn't want to call it d-day again in case of jinxing it to disaster day again. He took some notes did a through a examination and thankfully doesn't believe it to be MS... breath a sigh of relief.. possibly the first one in months!

He did admittedly get my back up when he tried pinning it on my arthritis and psoriasis..oh and lets not forget pregnancy... I thought here we bloody go again. But instead of keeping my mouth shut this time I piped up and asked him how would that cause the other symptoms I am having. At which point he shut up. Probably not the wisest move to insult or put a professor in his place, but I have got to the stage that I am sick of doctors with their god like arrogance.

So anyway he said that he wants to review my last MRI, because, wait for it... It could be to do with my slipped disc and the possibility of Avascular Necrosis as.. as I had said before, symptoms mirror and also refer to other places.. that's why its called referred pain! But he did say he also wants another MRI of my Neck, Brain (that should be an interesting one ha ha) and of my spine, to see if there are any changes. Then go from there.

I asked how much an MRI would cost and he was honest and told us to go through the nhs as it will be just as quick and will save us A LOT of money! Then my doctor rang to say that she had put through a referral for the pain management team (could be interesting as they aren't sure whats causing the problems and she doesn't think they will help) and was also going to send me to a spinal specialist.

Finally they seem to be sitting up and listening. But what I think is disgraceful is the fact they cant get me in to pain management until the middle of September and they only managed to get me in that early by saying back pain rather than general!

Ahh well, have to chase up my hip MRI, which if it still shows water on the bone means that its looking more and more likely that it is Avascular Necrosis, and if the idiot says hes still not sure as much as I don't want to I will be telling him to take a bloody biopsy. I don't particularly want to wait around to see if my hip collapses!! Gorden Bennett I need a bloody good holiday!!

So maybe just maybe, slowly but surely I am making progress. Today for the first time in a long time I have woken up with out my legs feeling completely weak and am able to use my zimmer rather than the wheel chair to get to the bathroom. Not going downstairs, don't want to spoil what is actually at the moment a good day pain wise.

My mum was telling me this morning that she thinks I have lost confidence and am not the person I was. I have to say I totally agree. There has been alot thrown at me this year. But step by step I am getting there. I WILL beat whatever this is. I WILL get better for my Husband and Daughter. I WILL be able to start living again not just existing! The last few days have also taught me that their are Doctors out there willing to listen and help!

I have had some cuddles with H put her on the bed and boom feet straight in mouth. Then looks at me cheekily with her cheeky laugh as if to say look at what I can do!

I Am What I Am

Before I start I want to point out this post isn't intended to sound depressing. Its just some reflecting that I have done over the last few weeks. And after a conversation yesterday made me decide to lay the cards on the table so to speak.

I am what I am. Those who know me will know this. I don't pretend to be someone I am not, and I don't take kindly to those who do. I give my trust far to easily and normally end up being the one that gets hurt.
Sometimes people see my skin and not me. Sometimes people don't notice it because they have bothered to get to know me. My skin is just that. It isn't anything to do with who I am as a person and I refuse to let it rule my life.

I don't lie unless it is a white lie to save someones feelings and I hate people who compulsively lie. Who worm their way in and eventually try to destroy something good that you once had.

I am blunt, I tell it how it is. It often gets me in to trouble. But that is who I am and why should I try to be any different just to please a few?

The thing is you will never please everyone. There is no point trying to. So now I please myself and my family. My family comes first. My husband and daughter are my world. I will fight tooth and nail for them. I will always do the best I can by them.

If you hurt me once I normally (and stupidly) give people a second chance. Whats the saying you fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I have a saying that springs to mind whilst writing this post and that is everyone is like and elastic band and we all have different snapping points.

I beat myself up when a friend betrays me. I ask myself over and over again why didn't I see the warning signs before? What have I done to deserve this? Am I a bad person? But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I said to my mum yesterday, that's it there is no point trusting anyone anymore, its me that ends up hurt.

As my mum pointed out you cant live like that. Because then you don't know what friendships you may miss out on. I have some friends from Swindon still who I know I can rely on at any time and they have been there through the ups and the downs.

One of my closest friends T, who I refer to as big sis has used most of her holiday to come down and help me out. She wont brag about it that's not who she is, she is doing a kind turn. I will never be able to thank her enough and I don't think she knows what she means to me.

Yet others have done things in the past which has meant that I have overlooked the bad things that they have said and done thinking they are a good person. Until I realised that actually these people they do it to make themselves look good. Instead of keeping quiet they will brag about it. Not only will they do that but then they throw it in your face.

I am like my mum in the sense that I don't like to be indebted to anyone. It causes to much hassle, but sometimes you have no choice.

I like to have a laugh and a joke. I like to read. I over analysis far too much, which sometimes is a good thing but at other times is a bad thing. I have far too much time on my hands at the moment and over think things way to much. I guess what I am saying is I can be a bit like marmite you either love me or you hate me.
The way I have come to think now, a leopard doesn't change its spots. No more second chances. I am not a doormat and I wont be treated the same way I have been in the past. I may say that I don't care what people say about me, but deep down it does matter. No-one likes to be disliked. No-one likes to be slagged off.

Sometimes when I am in agony I put on a brave face shrug my shoulders and act like every things ok. Those that aren't that close to me wont see it. But those that are lucky enough to be close to me can read me like a book, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, apart from when I am in pain. I don't like to bring other people down its not fair on them.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that no-one is perfect. Not everyone is going to like you. Don't act anything other than yourself. Because it will all come out eventually and can backfire on you big time.
Be who you are, and be it proudly. Everyone is stronger than they think they are. I have had people say to me before I wouldn't cope if I was in your shoes. My reply you would because you have to. No matter how hard it may be to do things you do them because you want the best for your loved ones, and that doesn't mean taking the easy way out. If people don't like it they know where the door is.

Don't let anyone convince you that your not good enough. That your not strong. That your not beautiful because everyone in some way is. I know this post is a bit strange but its something I wanted to say, as I know so many people who have been knocked down and let other people take something away from them i.e. their self esteem and its a long battle to get it back.

So I guess in all my rambling what I am trying to say is be who you are NEVER pretend, don't play games and get caught up in bitching, don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face, because in the end you will get caught out, I have caught out so many people. I even caught someone out with my baby monitor slagging me off in my house. Be yourself and be happy that you are who you are and remember people are LUCKY if they get to be a part of your life.